Hot Breath

There’s something grimly amusing about the fact that Boris Johnson – Westminster’s most prominent alleycat – has been squeezed into a life of tepid domesticity (new wife, baby and dog; personal scandals now revolving around wallpaper) while his cabinet of supposedly respectable ministers are shagging up a storm.

It’s nothing new, of course. You probably remember the ‘List Of 36’ that circulated a few years ago under Theresa May (the aide-compiled spreadsheet which kept tabs on the various sexual allegations surrounding Tory MPs – ranging from rumours of the occasional wank in a handbag, to fully-fledged interoffice affairs). Those who saw the unredacted version might remember who was just above Boris in that list, alleged to have had noteworthy “relations” in a previous position.

Clearly someone wanted Matt Hancock gone – and they got him. But given the whirlwind of whispers the whole affair has set spinning, we can’t help but be reminded of that old joke:

Q/ Why is the government like IKEA?

A/ One wrong screw and your whole cabinet falls apart.

It’s easy to call these things in hindsight but, looking back, the clues were there from the outset that Matt Hancock’s marriage would always take a back seat to his office relationships.

Those present at the wedding noticed with some astonishment that the first person Matt Hancock chose to thank in his groom’s speech – mentioning them before his family, his wife’s family or, indeed, his wife – was… George Osborne.

Which award-winning actor is happy to be dressed head-to-ankle in a fashion label’s clothing as part of their brand partnership – but stops short of wearing their shoes because he can’t build the heels up enough to make him look as tall as he wants?

The last thing you want when getting wrapped up in a sex scandal is a distinctive name. Luckily for the Coladangelo family, this isn’t their first rodeo.

Gina Coladangelo grew up in the same village as noted bonkbuster author Sarah Harrison. Harrison and the Coladangelos were good friends for a time, but that came to an end when one of Harrison’s books featured a character that was a little bit too like Gina’s dad (Dr Coladangelo) for Gina’s mum’s liking.

The fanny-fluttering novel Hot Breath tells the story of a married woman (an author of torrid historical romances) who took a shine to her local GP (a sexy Mediterranean doctor). The two then embark upon an affair, meeting in the field between their two houses for a good old-fashioned alfresco romp.

There’s no evidence whatsoever to suggest this was anything other than fevered imagination on Harrison’s part – but Mrs Coladangelo didn’t see the funny side.

You don’t need to have done a stint at Bletchley Park to be able to crack the code of Sarah Vine’s recent Mail On Sunday column: “The Problem With The Wife Who’s Been With You For Ever Is That She Knows You’re Not The Master Of The Universe You Purport To Be”.

We have to take our hat off to her. As old hands at the write-it-without-writing-it routine, it was a masterpiece of the genre – leaving very few readers in any doubt as to who the real target of the piece was. Broadly seen as a warning shot at her own MP husband, Michael Gove, Vine has apparently been itching to write on the topic for quite some time.

Liberally lacing your columns with innuendo is not without its drawbacks though (as we have occasionally found to our cost). Any hint that there’s some subtext at play and things can quickly spiral out of your control, with readers drawing all sorts of unintended inferences from what you’ve written.

So let’s just hope the other men who got a mention in that column have lawyers with a good grasp of irony…

If Matt Hancock has been trying to follow in the footsteps of his mentor, George Osborne, he’s not done too bad a job of it. The only real difference between the two is that when George Osborne started up an extramarital romance with an aide, he managed to keep it off the front pages.

If Hancock wants to continue on the Osborne trajectory, the post-split pattern from here appears to be:

1/ Get mistress up the spout

2/ Hastily announce engagement

3/ Spend most of your time in separate properties in different counties

One of the smaller revelations to be publicly confirmed in the wider Matt Hancock fall-out was that of his office chair.

In all the forensic efforts to map out Matt Hancock’s office to show exactly how his inartful arse-squeezing could have been caught on CCTV, a picture of Matt Hancock holding a meeting in that same office did the rounds. And sure enough, his chair was as we told you.

Instead of sitting on one of the normal chairs that matched his conference table like everyone else, Matt liked to sit in his own special big boy seat. A Hollywood director-style chair, with the name “HANCOCK” written across the back of it.

Last week’s story about Tucker Carlson sniping behind Sean Hannity’s back has clearly touched a bit of a nerve. Popbitch got a little shout-out on Hannity’s Fox News show on Thursday night, teeing up his “I actually don’t care if my colleagues hate me” rant – but it hasn’t stopped there.

On an episode of Steve Bannon’s ‘War Room’ yesterday, Bannon and his guests claimed the gossip attempting to drive a wedge between the trusty Fox boys is actually deliberate disinformation placed by the US security apparatus via a secret undercover field operative. Not, as we’d been so foolish to imagine, the natural result of two egomaniac broadcasters being locked in years-long competition with one another.

Embarrassing for us, yes. But we look forward to receiving our Deep State cheque.

As the nation takes a new set of Love Islanders into its heart, we hear that Toby’s teammates at his semi-professional football team, Hashtag United, can verify his story of him not having dated anyone for years and confirm he’s extremely naive when it comes to women.

The result they’re expecting from him?

“Eaten alive.”

Gerald Ratner nearly collapsed his £500m business when he made an infamous joke about his company’s products being “total crap”, instantly becoming a cautionary tale in business textbooks about why CEOs need to exercise extreme caution whenever they’re making public statements.

One person yet to learn the lesson is Ratner himself. A journalist who once conducted a phone interview with him was struck midway through their call that – as well as hearing his many thoughts on business, branding and bad publicity – they could also hear what sounded like him taking a long, refreshing piss.

And then a tell-tale flush to finish it.

Overheard anything more awkward in an interview? hello@popbitch.com

Gloria Gaynor’s New Jersey mansion is up for sale…
[$1.25 million]

…as is Mark E Smith’s old Prestwich semi-detached
[£200,000]

Why the sudden spike in interest in this old Popbitch long-read from 2019?
[Read ‘Swing Vote’ on Popbitch]

Latter-Day Careers Of Grange Hill Kids, Pt.2: Margo Selby – who played Julie Corrigan in the early 90s – is now a very successful weaver
[See her work]

How Dua Lipa conquered international pop
[Read on Vanity Fair]

A cute little He-Man browser game
[Play here]

More on the Hannity Carlson beef
[Read on Washington Post]

Want to hear a set by the alleged money-laundering Azeri DJ Mikaela Jav, who was unmasked this week in a London court?
[Ibiza Global Radio 2015]

Help plant trees while listening to Spotify
[thissongplantstrees.com]

Still Bored?
Loads of stories about the rise and fall of All Tomorrow’s Parties – inc. a tremendous Nick Cave spot
[Read on Vice]