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COME TO OUR END OF YEAR QUIZ NIGHT! Weds 26 Nov, Roundhouse bar, Camden, London. With Tom Webb, and accordion wizard Will. Best of 2014! Mask making! Speed Eating! £5 each. Tickets here, with reserved table for whole night. Info/tickets here
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“We’re the gassiest band ever. Danny’s farts smell like a bin that’s been stored by a radiator. Harry’s are outright offensive and mine always come with a squeak. I think I’ve got a tiny butt.” – Dougie McBusted
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|_| |_| 13.11.14 ISSUE 714
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* The many women of Glen Matlock
* Off the crack; in the jungle
* Children in Need is No. 1
>> The new Black <<
Dapper’s Destiny Foretold
One of the weirdest things to emerge from ITV2’s Dapper Laughs disaster is that the series’ co-creator and executive producer Dan Baldwin accidentally, but accuratel, predicted this whole fiasco months ago.
Back in July, when the series was first announced, Baldwin was quoted as saying: “I actually believe [Dapper Laughs] is the new Cilla Black.”
Turns out he was bang on the money – for the only person at ITV thought to be more toxic and more reviled than Dapper? Forever and always… Cilla Black.
FYI: People are still wanting to know why on earth ITV would commission Dapper Laughs in the first place. We have an answer, if you’re interested? Link
Poor Mike Skinner from The Streets. Now that Dapper’s series has been axed he won’t be getting any more money for the theme tune he wrote for it.
>> Big Questions <<
Who wants to know what
Which boyband star said it best when he said “I never spend like to spend more than about three grand on a watch. There are kids in the world starving” to his session musicians?
Popbitch’s favourite adult shop owner? Australia’s Love Rouge supremo… Katrina Pfister.
>> Oversexed pistol <<
Polygamy in the UK
Glen Matlock from the Sex Pistols (who will be gracing our TV sets Christmas Day on Never Mind The Buzzcocks) is currently managing an interesting love life. As well as a London girlfriend, he is also said to be juggling two in New York. One a waitress, the other an attractive blonde pop-punk singer from the eighties, who currently has an album out, possibly funded by Glen.
North Face Explorers Event at Pure Evil Gallery, EC2 – 27th November. Limited places for 150 people to see amazing original artwork by Pure Evil, SatOne and V3RBO. DJs, bar, video – all proceeds to charity.
>> I’m a liability <<
Cream of the celeb crop
I’m a Celebrity… is starting again and we have high hopes. The two favourites this year are Jimmy Bullard and Craig Charles.
Bullard – a man who got so drunk at the FA Cup Final this year that he didn’t bother turning up to play at his charity football match the next day, and whose job seems to be managing parody Twitter accounts – is somehow more highly thought of by the bookies than Craig Charles, an actor who got turned over by the Mirror for smoking 60 rocks of crack in the back of car on a drive from London to Manchester. A drive where, a source at the Mirror said, he was “masturbating furiously” when he wasn’t on the pipe.
Poor old Tinchy Stryder will need to pull his finger out to keep up.
Finally answering all those “Is he gay?” stories? James Franco is said to be considering becoming a Scientologist. Like Cruise and Travolta.
>> Driving Miss Lazy <<
A wheelie annoying wife
Could we be looking at a new record? Over the course of filming for Mission Impossible 5, the production has gone through six official limo drivers and are now working with their seventh.
Why such a high turnover? If you’re thinking it’s the fault of Tom Cruise, you’d be wrong. He is apparently a superb bloke on set. No, the culprit appears to be the director’s wife, whose West End shopping trips are causing multiple headaches. Alongside all the parking fines she’s been racking up, she’s also been annoying drivers to the point of resignation by getting them to wait outside shops for her, then getting them to drive her a few feet down the road to the next shop.
The same wife was involved in Katie Holmes’ old fashion line – the one that Katie couldn’t shut down fast enough when she made her ‘escape’.
>> Bump ‘n’ ride <<
Romelu Lukaku is a softie
This weekend sees Belgium host rivals Wales in a European Championship qualifier. Everton’s Romelu Lukaku is probably grateful to be playing just a couple of train rides from home. According to a team-mate, he didn’t enjoy the World Cup flight home from Brazil very much. When the plane hit turbulence Lukaku asked the flight attendant if she’d hold his hand.
Training For Yewtree: In Issue 10 of Popbitch Magazine, we take look at how media advisers help suspects of scandals to manage their reputation.
>> Ghostwriting <<
Hotel, motel, crematorium
Tributes have poured in for Sugarhill Gang’s Big Bank Hank, who died earlier this week. Many of them have mentioned that he only started rapping because he couldn’t get a job with his oceanography degree (true), and many have joked in the obituaries that he was “six foot one and tons of fun” (less true).
Hank actually stole a lot of his most memorable lines from Grandmaster Caz of the Cold Crush Brothers. Grandmaster Caz also went by the name Casanova Fly (“I’m the C-A-S-A, the N-O-V-A, and the rest is F-L-Y”).
It was Caz who is 6’1, not Hank. (Hank may well have been tons of fun though.)
Found on a box of MoD rations: “Around 10% of all casualties during a recent Op Herrick tour (Afghanistan) were as a result of burn pit (i.e. burning trash) injuries.”
>> Save the celebrity <<
Christmas campaign horrors
Christmas is a horror time to be a celebrity. If it’s not Geldof calling to ask you to help him patronise the whole of Africa, it’s Save The Children hassling you to wear a sweater.
Celebrity managers have been grumbling a fair bit. As the Save The Children campaign is a collaboration with Asda clothes brand George, it hasn’t exactly made life easy for stars like Fearne Cotton and Myleene Klass, who already have clothes deals with Very and Littlewoods, but they can hardly say no and look like moody grinches who turn down a kiddies charity.
The problem is only going to get worse for certain celebs, though. We’ve heard some accountants are telling their famous clients to do fewer campaigns as the repeated exposure is diminishing their value for paying ones. We’ll see what happens to their conscience when their wallets start to take a hit.
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Urinetown – an unbelievable title for an unbelievably brilliant show. A satirical musical comedy that is light on schmaltz and heavy on clever humour. Best available tickets for £20 on Mondays with promo code MONDAY http://www.urinetown.co.uk
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>> Hmmms <<
Fat, Koch, Sadowitz
Richard Madeley’s 50 greatest quotes
Link
The fattest states in America
Link
Ever wondered how potatoes fit into the lives of Millenials?
Link
Bye bye, #guardiancoffee
Link
The Koch Brothers’ Empire
Link
Forget the ice bucket challenge, the ice cap challenge looks HARDCORE
Link
What is Sadowitz up to now?
Link
RIP Guardian Coffee?
Link
US elections postmortem
Link
Follow @popbitch for all Junior Eurovision updates. Eurovision Deepthroat isn’t missing on moment.
Link
Tom Latchem, ex TV Editor, NOTW and ex-Daily Mirror 3am Girl Halina Watts have quit the papers to do the Weekend Hangover show, FubarRadio.com. An anarchic mix of news, showbiz, sport, interesting interviews and general daftness. Get the podcast here:
https://itun.es/i6Bj6MQ
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Thanks: SG, Stris, LH, spank_daley soapy_handerton, MF, flange, intheissynoho, dollymixture, Roozi, SS, LH, SA, SL, CJ
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Old Jokes Home
Q: How did the Welsh cannibal select his victim?
A: Very Caerphilly.
Still Bored:
With news of a Rockford Files remake, here’s a way to remember the best: a James Garner jigsaw. Link