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“It’s cool to do Fall Out Boy as Fall Out Men” – Pete Wentz
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_| 28.02.13 ISSUE 631
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* The Brits and the BARFTAs
* Paul Danan – more popular than Jesus
* Charts: Justin Timberlake is no 1
>> Bothers Grimm <<
Nick not in good mood
While the Brits last week have been roundly slated for being bland and inoffensive, one guest was seemingly determined to make sure the same couldn’t be said about him. Nick Grimshaw cut a swathe of rude through Brits after-parties. From being overheard going into the Roc Nation party answering one girl’s polite question
of whether he enjoyed the Brits with the sneering phrase “What do you care?” to blanking fellow guests who dared to speak to him; something had clearly got right up Grimmy’s nose that night.
Nicolas Cage delayed the making of Ghost Rider for ages as he “hadn’t found his voice” for the character yet.
>> Zane-y antics <<
Partytime with Alex
You may have thought that Alex Zane was a bit of a dick. Well, apparently not.
Even though he once went round a student house party, flashing around an advert paycheck he’d received – which is one of the twattiest things we think we’ve ever heard – fellow revellers said, that aside, he “wasn’t a dick or anything.”
So there you have it. Proof.
Paul Danan has been proudly telling people recently about how he nearly has 1,500 followers on Twitter.
>> Six pest <<
Brit drinkers in bar shock
If you did manage to stay awake through the Brits this year, you may have wondered to yourself what it’s like to be at such a massive, semi-glamorous event.
Expensive, is the answer. To sit in a box at the Brits this year cost GBP 1,600. Per person. That got you a very nice buffet, some champagne and a free bar.
Until the show started. Whereupon the bar became a pay-bar. Plus you couldn’t buy an individual beer, you had to buy a minimum of six. So rounds were thirty quid and up. Maybe that’s what annoyed Grimmy.
What the world has been waiting for – a new Emile Sande track is due. (On Rick Underworld’s score for the new Danny Boyle film).
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Who is ‘bitchforu18’? The celebrity who was prowling around Gaydar chatrooms on Monday, posting such delightful messages as:
bitchforu18: I NEED SOMEONE TO COME AND NAIL ME
bitchforu18: I’m drunk willing
bitchforu18: im an actor
bitchforu18: well know
bitchforu18: I NEED TO BE FUCKED NOW, IM IN SOHO. IM GOOD LOOKING, DEFINED, 29 AND GOT A FAMOUS FACE. IM ALSO SO FUCKING DRUNK. WHYS IT HARD TO FIND SOMEONE TO BREED ME??
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Lord Nelson (Union St, SE1), home of the delicious all-horse burger, will be cracking on with a second week of horsey fun. Mon 4th – Sat 9th March. Book: 0207 207 2701 No beef. No bull. Here we are on CNN:
http://bit.ly/15NqCau
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>> Basket cases <<
More celeb shopping sightings
‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser (M&S):
* Eight tins of Sheba cat food (He was stood in the “Five Items Or Fewer” queue; nobody chose to take him to task on it though)
Tiffany (Tesco):
* Kettle chips, organic yoghurt, sanitary towels
Robbie Coltrane (Waitrose):
* Laphroig, Quavers
Rumours were circulating this week that Liam is looking to leave One Direction.
>> Vin Deasy? <<
Everyone loves Diesel
One Popbitch reader was staying at a fancy hotel in Rio recently and fiddling about with her new camera at the poolside. Before too long, two heavies drew up close to her and started making demands that she delete any photos she had taken. It transpired that Vin Diesel was on the other side of the pool and he had started getting nervous.
When the reader recounted this story on Facebook that evening, two of her male friends chimed in with their own stories of Vin. They both claimed to have hooked up with him.
Football Nominative Determinism: Rod Fanni is right back for Marseilles, playing behind Joey Barton. So that’s a team with two cunts in it.
>> Pedants’ corner <<
A slice of humble pi
JG writes:
“Nice pi joke. But it’s very slightly wrong. Pi (to the relevant number of decimals) is 3.1415927. That means the relevant copy of the book that most closely approximates (pi x 1,000,000) is the 3,141,593rd, not the 3,141,592nd.
“I imagine that copy also sold last week, though.”
(FYI To pre-empt your emails about this week’s Old Jokes Home, we know it should actually be 1024MB.)
“Skat” means “tax” and “honey” in Danish, so when you pay tax, you give your honey to the skatman. Which is even better.
>> Jangle rumbled <<
“Infamous in Scarborough”
Last November, back when BBC were still in Savile tribute mode, here are just some of the user comments on the BBC’s moderated Jingle Jangle tribute site:
* “Awful sentimental tosh for someone who should have been locked up for child molesting back in 72.”
* “One of my best friends in 1972 was molested by this creep Savile. He was never the same again. Killed himself in 1985. How’s about that then? Good riddance, I say. All his good works were the product of his guilty conscience.”
* “Sorry to rain on the parade of all the well-wishers, but he was infamous in Scarborough, I would not let my son sit on his knee.”
Network Rail employees have been sent an email this week detailing how to do reporting of dead otters.
>> Cold as ice <<
Nadine’s lukewarm Xmas cheer
Nice to see Girls Aloud back on tour, but let’s hope Nadine has got her singing hat back on. Before Christmas, Nadine took a trip to Lapland with 100 sick kids as a celebrity guest in an attempt to spread a little bit of festive cheer. She failed to impress absolutely everyone on the plane though. Obviously well-meaning, but perhaps a bit of a novice at this charity thing, when asked if she’d join in singing xmas carols Nadine declined, saying that carols weren’t really “her thing”.
Q/ What’s got two legs and kills women?
A/ The Pistorius Brothers
>> The BARFTAs <<
Shit cinema at its best
Last night was the inaugural BARFTA awards. Celebrating the very worst in British cinema, a select group of film reviewers and key industry figures voted on the most terrible films and performances of the year.
And what a year it’s been for crap flicks. You know it’s bad when films like The Knot, A Fantastic Fear Of Everything, and Nativity 2: Danger In The Manger manage to walk away empty-handed.
The full awards announcement is to come but here we have the winner of the Best Worst Dialogue award (which, coincidentally, is also the worst cameo by a celebrity sex text pest).
Nice comment on Benedict’s resignation day from @RobinFlavell “Say what you like about popery, but at least it smells nice.”
>> Hmms <<
Onion, cock, badger
The greatest tumblr ever? Scroll down for Ross Kemp and Keith Chegwin in Paris:
http://jimllpaintit.tumblr.com/
Most popular animal on ZooBorns? The fennec fox!
http://bit.ly/XEC2cX
Articles that sound like they’re from The Onion; actually real:
http://theon1on.com/
Why journalists shouldn’t automatically believe official denials:
http://bit.ly/WjkBk2
Why journalists shouldn’t automatically believe official or unofficial denials:
http://bit.ly/142xDAj
Nice piece on Seth McFarlane’s boob song:
http://bit.ly/XIeAsi
One man loves drawing cocks on his newspaper:
http://on.fb.me/WtdSyF
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Thanks to: LJP, bitterqueen, TM, KW, whitemaninhammersmithpalais, fatlimey, soapy_handerton, deep_stoat, SD, PM, JG, GA, MS, bengobaz, stevievegas, M, DW, leathslweasel, JH
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Old Jokes Home:
I named my band 999MB.
We haven’t got a gig yet.
Still Bored:
Popbitch never outs our sources but we’re going to sort-of break that rule now as we want to say how sad we are to have lost one of our favourite contributors – Mark Kamins – the New York DJ legend who made Madonna – who died last week. We’ll miss his stories and enthusiasm for good music:
RIP Mark – our favourite Kamins remix:
http://bit.ly/YZFlZl