Keep On Sucking!

One of the more interesting parts of Justice Warby’s ruling in last week’s WAGatha Christie hearing was his view that Coleen Rooney’s use of ellipsis in the phrase “It’s ……….Rebekah Vardy’s account” actually served to heighten the suspense of her accusation – making it all the more clear how hard she was gunning for Vardy.

It’s a fair point, but Warby J also inadvertently demonstrated just how easy it is to get carried away with this sort of thing.

By our count, Coleen only used ten dots in her original Instagram post before fingering Vardy.

But when Justice Warby quoted it, the old drama fiend used sixteen.

Katie Price has been gushing on Instagram this week about her new man, former Love Islander Carl Woods, and how the two of them are soulmates. They do say that opposites attract, and you couldn’t ask for a starker example than Katie and Carl.

Katie has become famous in recent years for her “Mucky Mansion” – the rubbish strewn house she was living in, caked in dogshit, where nothing was ever picked up, cleaned or repaired.

And Carl? According to his chums, he’s so fastidiously clean and tidy that whenever his dog goes to the toilet, Carl will personally wipe the pet’s cock or arse to avoid even the most microscopic stains on his carpet or sofa.

Which TV newsreader has come up with an ingenious excuse to justify his habit of trimming a few years off his age online? (He maintains it’s simply a sensible precaution to protect himself against identity fraud.)

Now that Priti Patel’s bullying allegations have been comprehensively undealt with, it’s time to address the other murky scandal concerning her past: her schooling.

A common line in profiles about Priti Patel is that she attended Watford Grammar School for Girls with Liz Kendall and Geri Halliwell. The claim reappeared in the Sunday Times just this weekend – but, as staff and alumni are getting pretty sick of pointing out, she didn’t go there.

What’s more, Priti is aware this misunderstanding is causing issues for the school. WGGS has complained to her constituency office about how they have to keep fielding inquiries about her, but the most her staff has done is offer sympathy for the confusion, then claim to be powerless to correct the editorial content of media outlets.

Yet the one place that she could provide some clarity on the matter – Priti’s own website – is curiously vague about it all too, saying only that she was “educated at a comprehensive girls school in Watford” but not actually naming any place in particular.

Maybe you think it’s weird of us to care about this. And maybe it is. But is it any more weird than knowingly letting a fib circulate that you went to school with a Spice Girl?

Anton Ferdinand has a moving documentary out this week that explores his experience of racism in football, in which he talks for the first time about the infamous incident with John Terry.

Terry presumably won’t be overjoyed that audiences will be reminded about his past racist behaviour, but there is a small silver lining for him. With a renewed interest in his racism, it’s likely that the football community in Cobham will stop gossiping – at least temporarily – about how he’s supposedly up to his other famed behaviour instead.

Ronan Farrow’s book about #MeToo – Catch and Kill – pulled no punches with its handling of ex-National Enquirer editor, Dylan “Dyldo” Howard. After it came out, Howard made a huge noise to anyone who would listen about how he was going to sue Farrow and his publisher for claiming he’d aided Harvey Weinstein and Donald Trump in their attempts to suppress stories.

As far as we can make out, the statute of limitations on these claims ran out at the start of the month and there doesn’t look to be any big legal case forthcoming from Howard. He’s hired himself a crack legal team all the same though; one that seems to specialise in contentious clients.

The other big name that Dyldo’s lawyers are currently representing? The 17 year old Kenosha shooter, Kyle Rittenhouse.

The Curse Of Strictly has been an annual tabloid story in Britain for many years, but now a real ballroom curse has struck Hong Kong.

Hong Kong is currently undergoing its fourth wave of Covid lockdowns and there’s been a notable spate of cases cropping up among Cantonese high society. The outbreak appears to stem from a semi-secret group of ballroom dancing schools which pair handsome, young, male dance instructors with the ageing socialite wives of the local super-rich.

The going price for a pair of toy boys is around £2K per “dance lesson” and – as you’d expect for that sort of money – tuition can get very close and very personal. Going by some of the videos that have found their way on to social media, we wouldn’t be surprised if more than a few droplets had been exchanged.

There are few things more nerve-wracking for a Catholic than to come face to face with the Pope – even if their day job is Internationally Revered Sporting Icon. Diego Maradona was so nervous when he paid a visit to the Vatican that he had to be escorted to a side room to have a cheeky nose-up before meeting John Paul II.

If you’re wondering whether it was a smart idea for him to hoof a quick sharpener ahead of his introduction to JP2, this is how Maradona later described the encounter in his autobiography:

“So, yes, I fell out with the Pope. I went to the Vatican and I saw that the ceilings were made of gold. And I heard the Pope saying he would take care of the children, but if so, sell the ceiling, tiger! You’ve got nothing going for you. You were only a goalkeeper!”

While boring countries like Germany, Spain and even England prepare for the World Cup with sports scientists and data analytics, Diego Maradona chose to get his 2010 Argentina team in shape with methods more familiar to school kids.

The losers in any training game would be forced to line up, bend over and endure a rather special torture for losing: having the winners welly footballs full pelt at their arses.

It wasn’t just his training techniques that were plucked straight from the playground either. This is the same Maradona who said to a roomful of journalists upon qualifying for the finals “To those of you who didn’t believe… and with apologies to the ladies, suck my cock! And keep on sucking!”

The post-election transition in the US is finally creaking into gear with preparations being made to install Joe Biden at the White House.

Usually what happens on Inauguration Day is that the outgoing President packs up, their replacement arrives at the White House and then the pair of them both leave together for the Inauguration ceremony.

One trusted person from the incoming team will draw the short straw and have to stay behind to oversee the move – checking that nothing untoward happens as the old guard’s boxes are removed and the new stuff is moved in. But things might be a little different this time around though.

Word from the Biden camp is that they’re having to seriously prepare for the eventuality that the Federal Guard may be required to pop in and help Trump with his decision to leave.

And as Trump is putting about the idea that he intends to be the first President since 1899 not to attend his successor’s swearing in, they’re staying pretty flexible with their transport plans to the Capitol too.

An endless playlist of YouTube covers of Billie Eilish
[Infinte Bad Guy]

Michael Flatley is selling off the contents of his stately home in Cork
[Take a look here]

An early version of a-ha’ s Take On Me
[Listen here]

FT have done a great explainer video on QAnon
[See on FT]

Celebrity Penis News: Johnny Rotten got a flea bite on his from rescuing squirrels
[Read more here]

Who had “Dead Danish Minks With Mutated Covid Rise From Their Graves” in the apocalypse sweepstake?
[Read on USA Today]

Remember that local news piece from Florida we flagged a couple weeks ago, about dark money in state senate elections?
[CNN are on the case now]

Maradona giving some of the finest football analysis ever seen on TV
[View on ESPN]

Fun Steps interview
[Read on NME]

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