Kitty Litter Meth and Milkshake Gak

In many ways, 2021 has been a pretty uneventful year. With life stuck in lockdown limbo and Her Majesty’s Government apparently the only ones allowed to get tanked up, cop off with their side-pieces and go out raving, things have been pretty dull. Had we not inadvertently caused a national security situation by stumbling over Boris Johnson’s mobile number, then we might well have sleepwalked through the entire year.

Still, there’s been a few spots of fun and silliness over the last 12 months, so we’ve assembled a small selection below.

If you’ve enjoyed your year of Popbitch and would like to buy us a little Christmas pint, then we appreciate any and all donations.

We’ll be back next week with our annual RIPbitch tribute issue to pay our respects to the celebs we’ve lost this year. In the meantime, a Merry Xmas to you all – wherever you end up spending it…

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[Chuck us a few quid here]

Surreal as it was to hear Donald Trump mark the end of his presidency by blasting out the Village People’s YMCA (famously a song about trying to hook up with young men in the showers of a Christian hostel) another of his end-of-term musical choices stuck out to us too.

One of the other songs Trump played as he left the White House for the final time was Gloria by Laura Branigan. Originally an Italian song, Gloria was first brought to the attention of English-speaking audiences by a British hit-maker who gave it a translated set of English lyrics… Jonathan King.

We’re still waiting for QAnon’s thoughts on that one.

What with all the music, TV work, films, modelling and endless brand partnerships that she was juggling in February, you maybe found yourself asking “How does Rita Ora find the time to get absolutely everywhere?”

Well, there’s an interesting rumour going around that might explain it. Rita’s sister-manager, Elena, does such a convincing impression of Rita that journalists suspect she takes care of a lot of her sister’s phone interviews on her behalf.

It would make a lot of sense for the Ora camp, given the set-up. Elena has micro-managed Rita’s press relations for so long now – prepping her on her lines; briefing reporters on what they can/can’t ask; tipping the paps off as to Rita’s whereabouts, etc – that doing the interviews herself is really just the next natural step, cutting out the middleman (a.k.a. Rita).

Because kitty litter is commonly used in home meth labs (both as an odour suppressant and sometimes an ingredient) supermarket delivery services are meant to keep an eye out for any customers ordering significant amounts of the stuff, treating a big online shop for cat piss pellets as a red flag – the same way they might with booze, bleach or aspirin.

Which is why someone at one of the big name home-delivery services found themselves having to make a call to a celebrity customer to check that their order – which contained almost nothing but kilos and kilos of kitty litter – was legit and that they weren’t planning on ditching their high-flying football career for the marginally less lucrative life of a meth cook.

But, as far as we know, Robin Van Persie has yet to break bad.

Drake’s decision to give R Kelly a writing credit on his latest album – at the very same time R Kelly was being found guilty on multiple counts of racketeering and sex trafficking minors – resulted in some pretty predictable blowback.

Maybe you think it was absolutely fucking moronic of Drake to use an R Kelly sample in 2021 because anyone who tried would have very obviously been crucified. But, honestly, how was he to know?

In April, the Isley Brothers released their big comeback single ‘Friends And Family’ to universal acclaim – and it didn’t just use an R Kelly sample. It was a full-blown R Kelly demo, shelved on account of R’s arrest for heinous sex crimes, that the brothers dusted off and re-recorded with a guest verse from Snoop Dogg.

The only difference? The Isley Brothers didn’t mention R Kelly. Which meant they enjoyed completely uncritical fawning in the music press, with Rolling Stone describing the song as “a breezy party-starter”, Billboard calling it “a perfect summertime family reunion groove” and the NME saying it was “Cookout music at its finest”.

One of the stand-out moments of the Brits in May was Elton John and Olly Alexander’s performance of It’s A Sin – but the papers soon revealed that we were robbed of a special appearance from Pet Shop Boys there too, thanks to an insurmountable ‘contractual issue’.

Unnamed sources in the tabloids insisted that the dispute centred around the song’s stage performance, where some parties wanted it to be an emphatic celebration of gay culture, while others felt it would benefit from having a more ‘general’ appeal.

Which was slightly different from the story going round backstage at the event itself: that the whole thing fell through because Elton, Olly and PSB couldn’t agree on the order in which they should appear on the billing…

The next big trend in celebrity plastic surgery? At an influencer event in China earlier this year, one of the star names in attendance spilled the beans as to why she and many of the other influencers were all looking a little different.

She said they’d all undergone a new set of surgical procedures that involve slightly slimming the chin, filling out the cheeks and doing a touch of neck work.

Why? Because one aesthetician claims to have worked out the exact face shape that looks best on camera when you hold your phone out at arm’s length for a selfie – so they’re now all rushing to get the same procedure done.

July saw the year’s funniest sexting scandal, when Michael Owen was caught texting women for tit pics in his inimitably dreary style (“Come on then, fire them through” / “Tremendous, by the way”). But his tepid tone belies the fact that Michael is actually a bit of an old hand when it comes to glamour photography.

Back in his early Liverpool days, when digital cameras were still in their infancy and press photographers routinely used film, Michael had a little prank he liked to play whenever the team was gathered together for a photo.

It was only when the photographer would return to work and develop their roll of film that they’d notice one of the younger players had tugged down his shorts, exposing a bit of his arse for the camera – rendering most of the pictures unfit for publication in a family paper.

The persistent bumflasher? Michael Owen.

Paris Hilton’s new cooking show hit Netflix in August, where she made meals with celebrity friends like Kim Kardashian, Demi Lovato and Saweetie. Unsurprisingly, Paris is a bit of a chaotic force in the kitchen – as you’d expect from someone who grew up in a suite at the Waldorf Astoria, being waited on hand and foot.

But, sadly, it seems her best known recipes haven’t made the cut this series. There’s no instruction whatsoever on how to make her signature Strawberry Cocaine (cocaine laced with Nesquik milkshake powder – for a sweeter, pinker line).

Nor any on how to prepare her classic pudding: “Stray Dessert”.

We’ve always enjoyed revealing the secret pseudonyms that celebrities use when trying to stay incognito. Like Kate Beckinsale, who has been known to check into hotels under the names “Sigourney Beaver” and “Tina Biscuit”. Ozzy Osbourne was a fan of “Harry Bollocks”. Pink opted for the classic “Mike Hunt”.

But we were reminded of one of our favourites in September when Shaun Ryder appeared on This Morning, telling a captivated nation about the time he stumbled out of bed to find a 20ft alien spacebus pootling about in his garden.

Someone who once arranged a photo shoot with Shaun was asked to send a driver to pick him up from the station and was given instructions to use a specific codename when collecting him. Not to protect Shaun’s anonymity. But because it amused Shaun to see a chauffeur holding up a placard in a busy train station bearing the name “MR PANTS”.

It made a lot of sense that Julio Iglesias was one of the celebs revealed in the Pandora Papers in October. Making large, sneaky deposits in places he shouldn’t is very on-brand for him.

It’s standard tourbus etiquette in the music business that onboard toilets are reserved for No.1s only. Anything solid should be disposed of elsewhere.

However, crew members on a tour of Julio’s vividly remember the time he came to join them outside a venue in Spain for a chat by the crew’s bus. He chatted with them all for a while, before disappearing onto their bus, then re-appearing a few minutes later to bid them farewell.

It was only when the crew piled back on the bus to undertake the next leg of the journey that they discovered what Mr Smooth had been up to. He’d left a log of such gigantic proportions in the bowl that the term “doing a Julio” was coined to describe particularly massive turds.

Those who worked with Anne Robinson in previous jobs weren’t in the least surprised to see November headlines that she’d bumped heads with Rachel Riley on the set of Countdown.

On Watchdog, Anne used to view all the filmed inserts ahead of broadcast, and producers used to make a game of counting the seconds between the moment that one of Anne’s younger female co-presenters appeared on screen – and the moment Anne would bark “I think this should be a voiceover.”

The only surprise was that a bigger beef didn’t erupt with Susie Dent on Dictionary Corner. On The Weakest Link, Anne would mangle the English language so badly that the show’s producers would often have a long list of corrections for her at the end of each shoot. However, Anne would get so grumpy if she was ever asked to do pick-ups that editors found it was usually quicker and easier just go through old footage to find examples of Anne using the individual syllables of the words she’d messed up, then patch the corrections together from those.

It feels fitting, after the re-run year we’ve just endured, that the Xmas No.1 race is once again between a sausage roll-themed novelty record and someone calling Boris Johnson a cunt. For what it’s worth, this is how the race is shaping up.

1/ Elton/Ed/Ladbaby: the dreadful sausage roll song is selling at twice the rate of its nearest competitor, which is…

2/ Elton and Ed: who are trailing behind themselves with the non-sausage roll version of the same song

3/ Wham!‘s Last Christmas is the UK’s number one streaming track, but not selling enough to pull ahead

4/ Mariah‘s All I Want For Christmas is streaming just behind Wham!

10/ The Kunts‘ Boris Johnson Is Still A Fucking Cunt should scrape the Top Ten. If you want to push it higher, you have until midnight tonight: https://borisjohnson.info/

Sunday Sport headlines spliced into Hollywood movies
[Watch on YouTube]

Brian Eno’s daughter had an Alan Partridge themed cake at her wedding.
[Scroll down; it’s worth it]

Succession, but as a Greg’n’Tom romcom trailer
[Watch on YouTube]

The very first two hours of MTV, as broadcast 40 years ago
[Watch on YouTube]

The Lambeth Country Show Vegetable Sculpture Competition 2021…
[Cardi Pea and Carrot Southgate]

Frasier x Earth Wind And Fire
[Absolute nightmare fuel]

Strangest story of the year: how an episode of River Cottage with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall inspired a yoghurt-making mafia in the New Zealand prison system
[Read it on RNZ]

Weirdest rebrand of 2021: Jim Davidson becomes a foodie YouTuber
[Here’s his spaghetti bolognese tutorial]

Fancy a Scenic Rim job?
[They’re recruiting]

The legend of Sly Stallone’s “Work the shaft” hot mic moment
[Read on MEL]

Still Bored?

The downloadable, play-it-yourself Popbitch Xmas Quiz 2021 is perfect for wine and cheese gatherings, unexpected leaving dos and other such superspreader events. It’s equally good if you’re stuck at home, alone in isolation – or over Zoom if you can bear it…
[£5 gets you everything you need]