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Slightly Fat Features in… VARIETYSOUP! Crash landing into Leicester Square Theatre (15 Dec–4 Jan) is a show unashamedly stuffed with wondrous antics, performed by a stupefying septuplet of entertainers. VARIETY IS BACK & IT’S SLIGHTLY FAT. Best available tickets 16GBP (usually 20GBP) promo code VARIETY16
[Click Here]
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“When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple.” – Jaden Smith
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|_| |_| 20.11.14 ISSUE 715
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* Vlogging with Jihadi John
* Mel prefers Ford to Van
* Charts: Band Aid for no 1
>> Sam’s lonely hour <<
Shopping at Waitrose
Sam Smith’s transformation from great pop hopeful to total pecker is nearing completion. He was spotted in Waitrose this week, making a nuisance of himself trying to get noticed.
He was shopping with his stylist and one of their ‘games’ was to pretend that they hadn’t seen each other in years, and have a loud reunion in every aisle of the supermarket. Another was getting Sam to lean over other shoppers to pretend to reach items, deliberately trying to get in their way as much as possible.
No-one took the bait though, which prompted Sam to flat out ask his stylist, “Why is no-one recognising me?”
Maybe the question he should have been asking himself is “Why is everyone ignoring me?”
In her later years, the actress Talullah Bankhead had a maid who she addressed as “Cunty”.
>> Brown-eyed Girl <<
Mel prefers Ford to Van
Being in the public eye again seems to have gone to Mel B’s head. At a fundraiser she attended recently, the special surprise guest was Van Morrison. Everyone was very impressed and watched his set in awe. Apart from Mel, who talked loudly throughout, pissing off everyone in earshot.
She then wandered over to Harrison Ford’s table and hung round waiting to meet him, but Harrison was clever enough never to turn and catch her eye. In the end she just walked off.
Good to have you back, Mel.
Our new favourite tree surgeons? Gloucestershire’s Copse & Loggers.
>> Big Questions <<
Who wants to know what?
Which recently heartbroken celebrity is publicly blaming her husband’s infidelity for their separation, but has been rather reluctant to mention she herself had a go on Jack Wilshere in their marital bed?
Glenn McGrath prefers you to spell the Ooh Aah (in “Ooh Aah, Glenn McGrath”) this way, not Ooh Ahh.
>> 2014 Quiz Night <<
All we want for Xmas is You!
When? Next Weds (26) Nov
Where? Roundhouse Camden, 7pm
What? GAMES/PRIZES/BOOZE/FUN
With? Tom Webb. Live accordion from Will Barrett
Teams: As many as you can bring
Cost: A Fiver. The table is yours to eat and drink all night
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The North Face Explorers Event at Pure Evil Gallery, London EC2 – 27 Nov, from 6pm. FREE Entrance, limited places for 150 people to see amazing original artwork by Pure Evil, SatOne and V3RBO up for sale. DJs,bar, video – for charity: More info
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>> Chasing Cruise <<
City date for Tom
Tom Cruise fans who have been hoping to catch a glimpse of the little fella while he’s filming in the UK: he’ll be filming a car chase past 41 Lothbury (in the city) overnight on Sat 29 Nov.
In the plot, the hostage is pushed out of the front car at high speed, then is grabbed by a second vehicle. A gun fight ensues.
The director has requested that all unessential lighting is turned off that night in order to reduce unnecessary glare on the parked vehicles outside.
And possibly to help disguise the fact the scene is supposed to be set in Vienna.
A Lidl in Surrey had a visit from its German bosses last Friday. Staff were asked to remove poppies, in case they caused offence.
>> Quote unquote <<
Celebs rally round Hari
Johann Hari’s new book is coming out soon and, by the looks of what’s coming out of Bloomsbury, he’s been busy deciding which quotes he wants to use on the dustcover. Hopefully the ones he’s picked are quotes that the people in question have actually given Hari this time, and not ones that he has found elsewhere and repurposed.
“An absolutely stunning book. It will blow people away” – Elton John
“Wonderful… I couldn’t put it down” – Noam Chomsky
“This book is as intoxicatingly thrilling as crack, without destroying your teeth.” – Russell Brand
If we were in the mood to get letters from a particular legal firm, we might ponder if Hari had ghostwritten Russell Brand’s quote too – but we’d like a quiet Christmas.
So we won’t.
RIP Johnny “Mr Trinny Woodall” Elichaoff. He was once fired from Robert Fripp’s band League of Gentlemen for becoming “unreliable”.
>> Royal flush <<
How the Queen shits
chablis writes:
“Many years ago, a friend’s father, who worked at a hospital awaiting a visit from the Queen, described how they were given very clear instructions by Palace staff on the logistics involved in the allocation of a toilet for sole Royal use. Two men were required to stand guard outside. In order for there to be no potential for Royal embarrassment, a banana was dropped into the regal pan repeatedly, while the men positioned themselves at points where the splashing became inaudible.”
“This may or may not be true. I sincerely hope it is.”
FYI: The Duchess of Cornwall has mild IBS. Prior to a Royal visit, police search for and seal a selected disabled toilet, just in case.
Carl Barat prepared for visiting Pete Doherty in Thailand by spending a few days at Centre Parcs.
>> Hanging & Vlogging <<
Islamic State of mind
Now even David Cameron is referring to the ISIS fighter by his tabloid nickname, Jihadi John has finally gone mainstream. Which is a very big step for his personal brand.
Jihadi John’s international impact through social media is now so great that if he was a more traditional YouTube vlogger, the market price for his sort of audience figures means he could command appearance/endorsement fees anywhere between £50k-250k.
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We looked in greater depth at ISIS in Issue 11 of Popbitch Magazine (which, for the next 24 hours, is completely FREE.)
Also – the vile reality of penguin love (John Lewis, look away), review Jaden Smith’s new EP, figure out why Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars are ignoring the UK and lots, lots more:
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>> Wrath of Dhan <<
Queens of pop face off
Interesting to see showbiz supremo at The Sun, Dan Wootton, turn Adele’s lack of interest in Band Aid into a sensationalised front page cover: “Adele Snubs Geldof”.
Last year they took a similar non-story (Adele’s dad moaning that she had cut him off from seeing his grandson after he sold an interview about her – by, er, giving another tabloid interview) and used it as an excuse to slate her.
We wonder what it’s all about? The strangest things do happen when there’s such a big diva involved… as poor Adele is finding out.
Stefan Kuntz is now chairman of 1. FC Kaiserslautern. His new signings include Danny Fuchs and Florian Dick.
>> The Fly II <<
More tales of Casanova
Casanova Fly, who we mentioned last week, now runs tours of the birthplaces of hip-hop in New York. They are apparently great fun, and include the (newer) death spots for Big Pun and Big L. The downside? “He flogged his book relentlessly” and will remind you approximately every seven minutes about how he was robbed of the Sugarhill Gang dollars.” It seems Hanks’ passing didn’t cause Caz much sadness.
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Urban Art isn’t just for Xmas… Listing from today: Faile, Carmen Rose Garcia, Kidrobot, Denial, Dan McCarthy, Kozik, Invader, Matt Small, Nick Walker, Obey, Tokidoki, Jacob Bannon and many more.
[See more]
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>> Hmmms <<
Band Aid and more
TONIGHT – its WUT?!CLUB at The Shelter, Dalston, with residents Larry Tee, AttackAttackAttack and amazing guest DJs. PLUS they’re shooting TZUJI’s new collection and YOU could be in the shoot for a major magazine. FREE ENTRY
Guest List here
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THANKS: NW, Mrs_Homan, Ulysses, ED, deep_stoat, SG, JM, GS, EN, LT, humphrey_plugg, fayekorgazm, majicma, flavio, DM
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Old Jokes Home
Q/ What is Dean Martin’s favourite eel?
A/ That’s a moray
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Reality TV Season: It’s that time again, make a Xmas bonus from the TV. Think you know who’ll win IACGMOH, X Factor or Strictly? We’ve found a great offer with Titanbet. Bet 20 quid. Get 30GBP free bet.
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*** Last week’s issue had the words ex-3AM girl Halina Watts. Which must have scared her, as she is very much still at the Daily Mirror, though she is doing the weekend show on FUBAR so we got half of it right
