Lapdancing Lemon

There’s been some concern in recent weeks that the lockdown is turning the UK into a nation of snitches. Curtain-twitching amateur cops who are keeping watch out of the window to rat out anyone they see popping out for a Twix or a lungful of air.

It may put your mind at rest to know that, despite all this supposed citizen surveillance, someone is happily getting away with doing daily shits on the pavement on Danny Baker’s street.

Huge human turds have been appearing at different points along the road each day to greet joggers and emergency workers as they pass. What’s more, the mystery crapper appears to be doing a bang up job of wiping, as piles of used wet wipes are left next to them too.

Still, at least they’re not adding to the fatberg.

A few years ago, one of our readers attended a fancy party at a friend’s house where Myleene Klass was in attendance. It was a very jolly affair, wine was flowing, people were chatting, etc, so they decided to approach Myleene with a simple “Hi, Myleene. How are you?”

Firing a look that would “turn Jason Statham to jelly” she glared and replied, “It’s Myleene, actually.”

A year later, their lesson learned, our reader found themselves invited to another party where Ms Klass was among those present. Taking great care to ensure they pronounced her name to her exact specification, they were chilled to see the same furious glare returning.

Myleene’s response?

“It’s Klass, actually.”

Which posh Brit actor has made quite a name for himself doing period stuff? Not just on screen. In the bedroom too. He’s what’s known in the trade as a “bloodhound” – and an enthusiastic one to boot.

If you haven’t signed up for the temporary Popbitch daily edition we’ve been sending out from self-isolation, you’ve been missing out. We’ve been offering up short, sharp little blasts of gossip each afternoon with a daily music quiz and some excellent stories that we don’t have the space to repeat here.

If you want to catch up on them, we’re keeping a mini-archive on our website – but you can sign up and get it direct to your inbox to liven up your lockdown if you want.

[Sign up here]

On Tuesday, we asked for readers to tell us about the worst celebrity chat-up lines they’ve ever been treated to.

BJ writes:
“I was in the same bar as Westlife in the early 00s. I didn’t recognise him at the time but Shane Filan asked me if the ring I was wearing was an engagement ring. I said it wasn’t. Then he asked me to ‘Bend over and show us your other one!’

“No, it didn’t work.”

Yesterday we asked for your tales of mistaken celebrity identity; times where you’d realised a little too late who it was you were speaking to. We’ll run more of them in tomorrow’s daily, but for now…

scouse writes:
“I spent over two hours drunkenly lapdancing for, and chatting animatedly with, Keith Lemon at a Liverpool lapdancing club. He was with his production team and they were buying me drink after drink, pissing themselves laughing for some reason.

“It was only after they’d gone I was told that it was actually Damian Lewis.”

SW writes:
“About 10 years ago I was in the West End waiting to meet some friends after work. Knowing that the evening would involve alcohol, I popped into the Tesco near Soho Square and got myself a pasta salad.

“Having never purchased one before, I was stumped as to how I’d eat it. At the checkout I saw a pile of Tesco Clubcard application forms, complete with plastic Clubcards. Standing outside, I began tucking into the pasta using one of these Clubcards – folded to create a handy scoop.

“Just then I was approached by a smiling and friendly Bill Nighy who said, without any hint of sarcasm, ‘I think you’ll find there’s a fork stuck under the lid.’

“He wished me ‘Bon appetit!’ and walked on.”

During his stint as the editor of the National Enquirer Dylan Howard cut immunity deals with the feds over illegal hush money scandals; was exposed as Harvey Weinstein’s inside man; had a blackmail attempt against the richest man on the planet backfire – yet, somehow, he never missed an issue.

It seems shareholders have reached the end of their tether with Dyldo though. Clearly he didn’t get the hint when they turned his office into a podcast studio last year, so now his contract has gone unrenewed.

Let’s just hope his leaving do isn’t as bad as the office Christmas party where he had a friend deliver a mortifying 40 minute speech to the staff about how he was the best boss ever, the best friend you could wish for and how everyone should be grateful to be working for him.

When some employees started losing interest in all the arselicking and started whispering among themselves, Dylan The Wonderboss flew into a rage, grabbed the mic off his friend, and screamed at his grateful charges: “SHUT THE FUCK UP OR GET OUT NOW AND FUCK OFF HOME!”

The Jewish Chronicle is the latest publication to feel the pinch of Covid-19, announcing it would be shutting down operations and laying off staff yesterday. It must be especially tough for editor Stephen Pollard as he has previously had quite a bit of difficulty when it’s come to switching jobs.

In the early 00s, Pollard left the Daily Express after lining himself up a nice senior gig at The Times. Contracts had been signed, the ink had dried – but the Times withdrew its offer shortly after Pollard’s last column for the Express ran.

Eagle-eyed types had spotted a hidden message he’d left behind. Written as an acrostic, using the first letter of every paragraph, there was a heartfelt farewell to his outgoing boss.

“FUCK YOU DESMOND”

Since the lockdown, a number of you have been in touch offering to buy a copy of the play-at-home Xmas quiz we were giving out to PB donors last December to host for your pals over Zoom.

Instead of doling out that old thing, we’ve put together a new downloadable Popbitch Popquiz for you to play over the Easter weekend. We appreciate that times are tight right now, so this one is half the price of the Christmas one – just £5, for a full play-at-home Popbitch Popquiz.

[Get it here!]

Limited edition Trump 2020 rifles
[The patriot’s choice]

Japan’s finest kawaii metal band, BABYMETAL, will be live-streaming concerts tomorrow and Saturday on YouTube
[See them here]

Local news of the week: Council meeting interrupted by ‘adult content’
[Read on Somerset Live]

Whitney Houston’s isolated vocal for I Wanna Dance With Somebody
[Hear on YouTube]

Explore live radio rotating the globe
[Listen to radio.garden]

Still Bored?
The daily music quizzes we’ve been posing our daily readers are all here, if you want to try your hand at them.
[Play here]