“LET’S TRY THAT AGAIN, SHALL WE?”

It probably won’t surprise you to learn that champagne corks were popping at 10pm prompt at the Baby Shard on Thursday night, as the Times and the Sun celebrated the projected result of the exit poll.

It’s also unlikely to surprise you to learn that Rupert Murdoch, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton and all the usual News UK suspects were there too, getting their fourth and fifth trolleys of booze brought in to the office by the time Blyth Valley announced.

The one thing that might surprise you though is that in among the revellers was… Cate Blanchett.

It’s been a bruising few weeks for Prince Andrew since his cataclysmic interview with Emily Maitlis – but he’s probably brimming over with remorse and humility now, right?

Erm.

Earlier this month, Handsy Andy went on another of his (straightforward) shooting weekends. At breakfast one morning, everyone else in the party was sat quietly reading the papers when Andy came into the room.

As no-one stood up for him when he entered, he bellowed “OH HO HO! LET’S TRY THAT AGAIN, SHALL WE?” Then walked out of the room and re-entered, so that everyone could oblige him.

What could have caused the Mail to pull a recent exclusive of theirs about a French masseuse meeting with Prince Andrew at Buckingham Palace back in 2000? The story made the paper’s front page at the end of November but, save for a report of the Mail’s report in the New York Post, there’s no trace of it online now.

Before she became the accomplished businesswoman and occasional threat to global security that she is today, Ivanka Trump had teenage ambitions of becoming a fashion model.

Thanks to her family connections, she was seen for a number of jobs in the late 90s and became a bit of a favourite of Vivienne Westwood. Westwood’s team used to make a point of letting the models pick the music they put on in the studio as a way of helping them to relax and feel comfortable on a shoot.

Ivanka’s choice of music, every single time? Jamiroquai. Which she would then sing along to.

The BBC is going heavy on trailing their version of A Christmas Carol this year, making a big song and dance out of the fact it stars Guy Pearce, is written by Peaky Blinders’ Steven Knight and has been exec produced by Tom Hardy. One person who’s been a little left out in the cold though is director Nick Murphy.

Poor Nick was so miffed that the BBC didn’t invite him to take part in a special Q&A event about the show that he ended up turning up anyway to rage at the head of BBC Drama there. His ire hasn’t just been reserved for TV execs either as he’s started taking pot shots at Tom Hardy on Twitter too, claiming that the catering department was more involved in production than Hardy.

There may be some lingering resentment there, as Hardy was set to star in A Christmas Carol (as well as produce) until he suddenly decided to bail out. But if you ask us, Nick, you had a lucky escape.

On set at Hardy and Knight’s previous BBC1 collab, Taboo, crew members reported that Hardy wasn’t shy about staying in character, stark-bollock naked, for much of the time. And we can only imagine what it would have been like trying to direct with the Ghost of Christmas Past’s dick and balls wafting all around.

One of Jeffrey Epstein’s former employees claims that Epstein kept a 6ft portrait of his mysterious ‘fixer’ Ghislaine Maxwell above the pool in his sprawling New Mexico mansion. Not just any old portrait though. One of her naked and “posing provocatively”.

He wouldn’t be the first icky businessman to have had a life-size nudey portrait of a close associate on their wall though. West Ham’s porn-purveying chairman, David Sullivan, was once well known in the football world for having a huge painting hung in his basement office.

Of his now Vice-Chairman at West Ham FC, Dame Karren Brady.

This year’s bleak seasonal murder drama, Responsible Child (based on the real life story of a 14 year-old killer who was tried as an adult and jailed) has been getting rave reviews.

Whether it was the shocking nature of the story, or the impressive performance of the child actor who inhabited the role, we couldn’t tell you, but for some reason most of the reviews have failed to mention the most important thing about the production.

The kid who plays the murderer is the grandson of Shakin’ Stevens.

Now that The X Factor is an utterly spent force, and December streaming is dominated by seasonal classics, the annual race for Christmas No.1 has become a much more unpredictable beast.

Re-releases are subjected to permanent ACR restrictions (‘Accelerated Chart Ratio’) with streaming, which basically means that old, established classics have to generate twice the number of streams as new tracks in order to compete. (Without this, three of the top four last Friday would have been Mariah Carey, Wham! and The Pogues.)

So who’s in the running this year? There’s another tedious song about sausage rolls from Ladbaby (hideous; but for a good cause). There’s the inevitable Ed Sheeran (this year on Stormzy’s record). And of course, there’s the now traditional Facebook campaign choice.

Facebook campaigns are a bit of a lost cause but it has to be said: of all the songs that the British public could have picked to champion this year, Jarvis Cocker’s “(Cunts Are Still) Running The World”, is a pretty good one.

[Join the campaign]

On election day, there are very strict rules in the UK which forbid news organisations from discussing politics until polling is closed. Which means that news teams have to ignore the biggest story of the day and compile their news bulletins from whatever innocuous filler they can drum up instead.

As part of their non-political Six O’Clock News broadcast last Thursday, BBC1 chose to air an item about the postal service and people sending tiny items in oversized parcels. Alas, it seems there was a very good reason that the Six O’Clock News hadn’t touched that story previously.

One of the parcels that was prominently displayed as part of the pre-watershed segment clearly showed a cock ring.

That’s almost it for another year. We’ve got a couple of special issues to send out between now and 2020, so we’ll be back in your inboxes before the New Year. But if you want to sink your teeth into some more Popbitch material over the Christmas holidays, then download our 2019 annual.

It’s totally free, and features some of our favourite stories of the year. Print it off at work! Use it as last-minute wrapping paper! Give a copy to your most corruptible niece or nephew!

[Get it here]

And if you enjoy it – or have enjoyed any of the last 52 weeks of Popbitch – and feel like tossing a few quid into our Santa hat for a Christmas pint then we’d be ever so grateful.

[Donate here]

Rowan Atkinson deepfaked Dior advert
[Ready to lose your libido?]

The reviews of Cats are restoring our faith and trust in journalism
[Read on Prospect]

Picture of dogs in mid-air, catching frisbees
[Cute: what more do you want?]

Need to stock up on wine before the holidays kick off? Naked Wines is offering Popbitch readers the chance to get a case of six sumptuous bottles, plus free delivery, for just £19.99.
[Get your orders in soon!]

What do you get for the man who has everything?
[Try an annual Wank-Pass]

40 years since the Muppets/John Denver Christmas special
[Watch on YouTube]

A crash course in the 100 most memorable memes of the decade
[Read on BuzzFeed]

The real life, bricks-and-mortar Popbitch Popquiz will return in January. Don’t let dry January stop you having any fun. Join us at Smiths of Smithfield for another seven rounds of trivia, music and smut with our host, Tom Webb!
[Tuesday 14th January]
[Tuesday 28th January]

Still Bored?
If you’ve already read this year’s annual and fancy revisiting some previous years, the last five years’ worth are free to download on the Popbitch site throughout December…
[Load up for the holidays]