Next Wednesday, 29th May, Shoreditch
* Popbitch quiz * In excellent new members bar Rotary Room * 7-9pm * Celebrate the 4 day week, payday etc * Enter a team? It costs you nothing to play, and you may win! * RSVP asap to secure the last places
“I’m an artist, and I should be taken seriously.” – Justin Bieber
“You’re an asshole. Go to fuckin’ work!” – Jon Bon Jovi
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|_| |_| 21.05.13 ISSUE 643
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* Crack smoking mayors!
* Urine splashing Ugandans!
* Charts: Naughty Boy is number 1
>> Colonic irritation <<
Mario Balotelli’s full of shit
No-one ever seemed to be able to get to grips with the enigma that is Mario Balotelli. But what if his weird behaviour had a medical explanation? We’re told he has a condition known as Megacolon.
It’s not quite as cool as the name suggests:
“Megacolon is an abnormal dilation of the colon, often accompanied by a paralysis of the peristaltic movements of the bowel. In extreme cases, the feces consolidate into hard masses inside the colon, called fecalomas (literally, fecal tumor), which can require surgery to be removed.”
Chantelle Houghton has set up a dating website. Her track record, if you need reminding: Alex Reid and Preston from the Ordinary Boys. (Best of luck!)
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
With so many police enquiries into journalists, celebrities, phone hacking, conspiracy, corruption… countless laptops and hard drives are being examined by Met police. But which one of the arrestees is offering an interesting potential defence for why they didn’t want police to look at their computer? Nothing related to any of the above, of course. They just didn’t want the police to see all the animal porn on it.
POPBITCH RACING CLUB – 10 spots left. Want to join the fun? Own a horse (who sometimes wins, unlike our last one) free tickets to racing, drinks parties? email [email protected]
>> Dubai-ous appeal <<
The only way is exit
Could it be the beginning of the end for the TOWIE lot? Amy Childs and various others from the reality show are no strangers to being denied entry from clubs, but they suffered a terrible indignity in the UAE. Their group was turned away from the Dubai outpost of Movida as they are “not really on brand”.
Given that Movida’s clientele is predominantly shiny poseurs who wear sunglasses inside, it’s a fairly damning snub.
It’s Cannes, there’s a new Sofia Coppola film – so, an old-skool gruesome twosome: Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson, on the set of Lost In Translation.
>> Sign of the times <<
Death and the domain name
The modern way to fight over a dead relative’s legacy – the domain name. Malcolm McLaren’s son Joe Corre is annoyed at being left out of the will so has got together with McLaren’s web administrator to stop his widow, Young Kim, from controlling malcolmmclaren.com.
Corre was keen to start a Malcolm label but his father didn’t want that, so, according to his father’s friends has been rather vile to Young since the funeral.
Local journalism’s future sounds scary. According to one of its overlords, David Montgomery, “We will have to harvest content and publish it without human interface.”
>> Crackpot <<
Makes Boris look almost normal
Weeks don’t come much worse than the one had by Toronto mayor Rob Ford. Rumours about a video of him smoking crack were all but confirmed by reporters treated to private screenings. Gawker is gunning for him, having set up a dubious crowd-funding campaign to raise $200k so they can buy the video from Somali drug-dealers (imagine the Hacked Off/Leveson response if a UK publication tried something like that). But the latest blow has been most crushing.
Rob Ford loves to coach football. So much so that he skips his actual mayoral duties (attending council meetings, for example) in order to volunteer as coach of a secondary school team, the Don Bosco Eagles.
But after a week of dodging the accusation that he smokes crack, the Catholic school board thought it best to let him go.
He is still mayor of Toronto though.
The most Popbitch programme ever? Otters Of Yellowstone National Parks – narrated by Tom Baker. (27 Jun, 7.50pm, PBS America)
>> Party poopers <<
Missing the Desmonds
We do enjoy the back party pages of OK! magazine. But seasoned watchers have noticed something missing in recent weeks – photos of proprietor Richard Desmond and his lovely wife Joy out and about. We’re all very much hoping they’re just enjoying some quiet nights in and that it doesn’t mean there’s trouble chez Desmond. We’ll be anxiously awaiting the next issue…
Now Man City have sacked Mancini, Arsenal are the only club whose manager’s name starts with the same first five letters.
>> Discussing gay Uganda <<
And awaiting a second penis
This week, as Norman Tebbit raved about lesbian queens, artificial insemination and intergenerational incest all wreaking havoc with the otherwise blemish-free institution of marriage, we were handed a rather interesting document.
Proving that homophobes’ bizarre fascination with the logistics of gay sex transcends any national, cultural and political boundary, the Ugandan pressure group CAMOVA has prepared a brief entitled “The Horrors Of Homosexuality” in hope to have the Anti-Homosexuality Bill passed through parliament.
For those unsure what the gays get up to, it makes for enlightening reading. Rimming (“Practice of using the mouth on the anus (sucking). Disgusting!”); coprophilia (“Not even animals do this!”); and golden showers (“Splashing one another with urine during their orgies or wild parties”). There’s also talk of second-penis surgery and tuberculosis of the arse.
You owe it to your alimentary canal to read up on this.
There’s a giant portrait of Idi Amin inside the Ugandan parliament amongst a galaxy of ex-tinpot dictators. And the Queen.
>> EDL/EDF <<
Big companies must be delighted with the contact that social media gives them with their customers.
EDF Energy on Twitter yesterday, after the Woolwich murder and subsequent demonstration:
“Hi. The protest was from EDL (English Defense League) not EDF Energy. Regards”
“Hi Josh. If you are referring to Woolwich the protest was from the English Defense League (EDL) not EDF Energy. Best”
TV show title of the week: History Channel’s What The Duck.
>> Press enquiry of the week <<
UK’s loss would be Sydney’s gain
Katie Price’s Australian management company sent the following around last week:
“The highly anticipated arrival of Katie Price in Australia marks her first visit in 6 Years and her first ever trip to Sydney…The extensive guest list includes Australia’s hottest commodities in Fashion, Sports, Television, Media, Music and many more Australian celebrities
We are currently seeking products to make the gift bags of the year!
– Beauty & Cosmetics
– Electronics (Eg Smart Phone PDA, Straighteners etc)
– Hair Care Products
– Gift Vouchers
– Healthy or Energy Drink
– Mini Bottles of Alcohol (Targeting Males and Females)
If you have any products you wish to gift to Katie upon arrival please do not hesitate to contact us.”
UK’s five-person Eurovision “professional” jury included Tony Blackburn (age 72) and Tony Hatch (age 75). Eurovision’s main demographic? 14-29.
>> Eurovision fallout <<
The show is only the start…
Odds-on favourites Denmark won, but more interesting is how well the event reflects the politics of the region. Let’s look at how the dictatorships of the east viewed it:
* Belarus – President Lukashenko criticized the voting as false, because they got no votes from Russia.
* Azerbaijan – President Aliev demands a recount because they awarded Russia 0 points.
* Russia – Foreign Minister Lavrov is unhappy at this snub, ominously saying the two nations “coordinate joint efforts to make sure this outrageous action does not go unanswered”.
It may yet get worse for Azerbaijan. Lithuania TV claimed people in smaller countries were given phones and 20 euros to repeatedly vote for Azerbaijan.
FYI: Azerbaijan got 10 sets of 12 points, inc from Lithuania. Montenegro awarded 12 points to Ukraine in the Semi Final and 0 in the Final, giving 12 to Azerbaijan.
FY2: Azerbaijan’s entry was very good, winning the Eurovision commentators award behind the scenes, so a high placing was likely/well deserved.
FYI3: The split between jury/public votes is anxiously awaited everywhere, as Italian TV reported that Romania (23% public vote) – 1 pt from Italy, Denmark (3% public vote) – 12 points.
The last four songs to come dead last at Eurovision have all been 128 BPMs. (As was Jemini’s nul point abortion).
>> Hmmms <<
Football, films, darts
The hot ticket of the summer. We’re eagerly awaiting his arrival back to the UK…
Q/ What could be cuter than Italy’s Eurovision Marco Menghoni’s first English language single?
A/ If it was written for him by Take That cutie Mark Owen!
The Powder Room introduces a new girl band:
“I replay parts of Random Access Memories repeatedly while simultaneously thinking it is some of the worst music I’ve ever heard”:
Thanks to: AC, Meow, MS, D, R, LT, thebestnameshavegone, JW, BL, TB, RB, deep_stoat, Majorbloodnok, ulysses
Thanks to Eurovision_deepthroat for tweeting two weeks in Malmo
Old Jokes Home:
Given George Michael’s track record with car accidents, Club Tropicana is currently reviewing its free drinks policy.
Boyadee – eyewitness to the gruesome Woolwich murder – is a rapper. He has gash by the hour…