Mid-Morning Spatters

The Atlantic published a long-awaited exposé on Bryan Singer this week (a piece that was originally written, fact-checked and approved by Esquire – only for them to see it nixed with no explanation by a Hearst executive) and it’s exactly as damning as everyone expected.

It looks like we might be on the verge of a second wave of #TimesUp upsets across the various entertainment industries. There’s one huge rumour sweeping the corridors of the UK’s record labels at the minute suggesting big changes coming at one of the majors. Everyone – from execs to managers, stars and agents – is circulating the story that a big label boss is about to find himself on the wrong end of a serious severance agreement.

And everyone is hoping it’s true…

Seems that Piers Morgan’s isn’t the only discerning arsehole at Television Centre.

On days when he appears on Lorraine in the mornings, Dan Wootton doesn’t head straight back to News UK’s offices. Instead, he takes a leisurely Uber over to his members’ club, the Ned, where he has his mid-morning shit in the toilets there (toilets he considers far superior to those in either of his workplaces).

A far cry from the days when he was content to use the disabled toilet nearest to the Bizarre desk.

Which TV foodie is no longer flavour of the month with his wife? The rampant cheating has led to an ultimatum: every time she catches him, she gets another child. (We just hope she’s got a roomy womb…)

Sports stars often try and re-invent themselves with a fake love-to-hate-you personality after their playing days are over in order to secure more media work and attention. But if you think that’s what Chris Sutton was doing when he angered Liverpool fans by calling out Mo Salah for diving, and Everton fans for calling their team “rotten” and “boring” – we assure you, he wasn’t. He’s always been happy to be a bit of a dick.

One Blackburn fan was reminiscing about bumping into Sutton at the height of his playing fame. He rushed over to the striker and said “Hi, Chris! Can I have your autograph?”

Only to get the reply, “No. And it’s Mr Sutton to you.”

CC writes:
“LD50 (that Mel B and Tom Hardy vehicle you mentioned in last week’s missive) was filmed on the Isle of Man, and during filming I happened to be staying at the same hotel as the cast.

“There was a gathering in the hotel bar one night and I got talking to one of the actors, a young Irish fella called Tom with a broad north Dublin accent who told me how much he missed his family back in Ireland and rolled up his sleeve to show me a brand new shiny ‘fighting Irish’ tattoo he’d just had done. I know Dublin pretty well and we had a good old natter about it.

“After that I’d see him popping up in films here and there and think, ‘Oh, that nice Irish lad Tom’s doing well for himself, good on him.’ Then I saw him interviewed (I think it was for Mad Max: Fury Road) and detected not a trace of his north Dublin accent. That would be because Tom Hardy is from that well-known district of north Dublin… Hammersmith.

“‘Of course,’ I thought, ‘he must have been playing a Dubliner in the film and was staying in character. Method acting!’ So I searched out LD50 on YouTube to have a look and saw that his character is, of course… pure, unadulterated Hammersmith.

“In the bar that night he was just pissing about, but he was so convincing that even now I’m still not 100% convinced Tom Hardy isn’t an Irish fella from Dublin.”

If you’ve been wondering why there’s been so much coverage in the tabloids about how Harry and Meghan have “grown apart” from William and Kate, it seems there’s a bit of internal panic about what Meghan’s history with drugs might involve.

As heir to the throne, dull old William is supposedly keeping his distance as he’s worried that her past might come back to bite them all.

But given all the stories that exist about his own family (Princess Margaret’s infamous cocaine races, for example – where she’d get down on all fours with a competitor and try to hoover her way along a metre-long line laid out on the polished floors of the palace) might we humbly suggest to the good prince that if he’s truly concerned about his reputation, Meghan’s probably the family member he needs to worry about least.

If you read the story we published last week about the Russian popstar/property developer, Emin Agalarov, the news that he cancelled his American tour this week for fear of getting collared by Robert Mueller won’t have surprised you.

If you didn’t read the story, now’s a great time to catch up as the second part is here – and it explains why the son of a billionaire oligarch who is obsessed with becoming the next Michael Bublé might be the missing key to unlock the truth of that much-fabled piss tape…

[Read ‘Tower Struggle’]

FYI: Agate is currently offering double credit for new sign-ups, but you have to sign up using the link below. (It auto-applies a voucher.)

It’s been nearly three years since we lost the crack-smoking Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford – but we’re heartened to see that his family seems determined to carry on his good work. For instance, Rob’s niece, Kyla Ford, has just been caught promoting black market cannabis oils on Instagram.

Unfortunately for Kyla, it’s currently illegal to promote unlicensed cannabis products – punishable with fines of up to $500,000.

Fortunately for Kyla, her dad is Doug Ford, the premier of Ontario.

Popbitch is thinking of relocating to Susaki, Japan. Their unofficial mascot is a big otter furry called Chiitan, who has been upsetting local authorities recently by filming itself tipping over cars, pole-dancing and going beserk with a weed strimmer.

Chiitan’s social media feed can get pretty dark too. As well as publishing a photo of the smiling otter locked up in a filthy dungeon (“the special room”), there was a genuinely chilling post titled “Chiitan going to visit your house” – in which the kawaii otter silently removes a baseball bat from a locker, hides it in its costume and then slowly walks off-camera…

[See more Chiitan]

The UK’s Eurovision hopefuls have been released and – as is always the case – there is one clear winner and five absolute howlers.

The public haven’t got a great track record with voting shows like these though so, in an attempt to steer the nation in the right direction, we’ve dusted off our dossier, pulled apart the songs and analysed the nuts and bolts of them to see which one gives us our best shot of glory in Tel Aviv.

[Read the results on Popbitch]

Ozzy Osbourne is selling plushy bats with detachable heads
[See on ozzy.com]

Bruce Springsteen speeded up sounds like Dolly Parton
[Listen on YouTube]

Local news of the week comes from Muff Crescent, Nobber
[Read on Dundalk Democrat]

Just a classic boxing match – for cats
[Watch on YouTube]

New York has a gender-reversed play showing rise of Van Halen
[Get tickets at Atlantic Theatre]

Incredible correction on this story about that fated ‘influencer seminar’
[Read on NY Mag]

Astounding bit of jockey work
[See on Twitter]

Everyone who sent in PC Rob Banks for NomDet of the week. It’s a great one, but has been absolutely everywhere this last week.

Still Bored?
Harvey Weinstein has a new legal defence team. Two of them recently represented… Rose McGowan!
[Read on Daily Beast]