Moondrench

As we’re all finding out, being cooped up for days on end can cause anyone to go a little cuckoo – so it’s reassuring to know that it happens to A-listers too.

While filming away from home a few years ago, Benedict Cumberbatch spent a night in his hotel getting sloshed and playing around with the valuables safe in his room. When he woke the next morning, he found that the safe was locked but had no idea what the combination was or what he had locked in there.

Panicked that it was something important, he tried to get someone from the front desk to come and unlock it for him but to no avail. As the combination is set by the guest, and the hotel staff have no way of knowing what it is, they told him they couldn’t do anything for him – other than call the safe company to send someone out to manually dismantle it. Which is what they ended up doing.

And what did they find inside? A piece of gum and a receipt from the hotel bar.

If you’re looking to develop a new skill over this indefinite period of quarantine, how about training yourself to get good at a game called “Flaming Arseholes” – a pub activity beloved of certain TV production crews.

The rules are very simple:

1/ Squeeze a pound coin between your bum cheeks

2/ Squat over a pint pot

3/ Drop the coin into the pint pot

4/ If you miss, your forfeit is to drink the beer with all the coins swilling around in it

We hear (and would love to have it confirmed) that the person to beat at this game is… Claudia Winkleman.

Which musician-soapstar was given the nickname ‘Skids’ in his school days after a week-long trip to Norfolk that required him to share laundry facilities with his classmates?

One of the unintended consequences of the global coronavirus crisis is that Johnny Depp’s libel trial against the Sun and News Group Newspapers has had to be adjourned. It’s a wise step to take as Depp has form when it comes to spreading headaches.

Depp’s prodigious weed consumption has meant that he has taken to requesting that his trailer be brought to his film sets so that he doesn’t have to walk too far to escape to his little hotbox between takes. As a result, set decorators are made to discreetly place fans around the set and turn them on whenever the cameras stop rolling to ventilate the place as the huge plumes of smoke that drifted out of his trailer were starting to make the crew feel queasy.

Geri Halliwell has written an open letter addressed to “The Nurses, Doctors and All Staff of the NHS” to let them know how much she appreciates the incredible work they’re all doing and lauding them as heroes.

It’s all very sweet – and Geri is never anything less than achingly sincere – but the whole thing has just reminded us of the time she went to get some dental work done back in the early days. With the appointment concluded, she wrote a cheque to cover the treatment costs. One that was simply made out to “The Dentist”.

[See her letter]

What’s been amazing about the Nick Cave spots we’ve featured over the years is that, however ridiculous they are – whether he’s spotted paintballing in Surrey, assisting a fire-juggling unicyclist in Brighton, or waving a giant foam finger and singing along to It’s Chico Time with his kids at the annual Christmas panto – they have somehow always felt very Nick Cave.

Today’s Nick Cave spot is different though. Today’s plays with the concept of Nick Cave himself – who Nick Cave is; what Nick Cave is.

Someone who was sat next to the great man at Soho restaurant Garlic and Shots once tells us that they saw everyone’s favourite goth dad tucking into the house special Transylvanian Garlic Steak – a meal adorned with a cross made of garlic – absolutely destroying his well-established vampire credentials.

For the last week and a half, we’ve been sending out daily Popbitch issues to anyone who fancies a bit of filth and frivolity to liven up their days during lockdown. It’s ended up being a lot of fun and has turned out some great stories from readers.

We fully recommend signing up so you don’t miss out. Fuck knows there aren’t many laughs to be had in the rest of the week’s news, so you might as well get an afternoon shot of readers’ tales of Aswad’s willies, Russ Abbot’s party largesse and Stormzy’s school days.

[Catch up here – then sign up]

Last Friday we asked daily Popbitch readers to tell us about the strangest things they’ve caught celebrities doing. SG wrote:

“Van Morrison, Brighton Centre, some time in the 90s. Mid-way through the set, Van decided to take a break and Georgie Fame did a bit of his set. Van disappeared behind a curtain.

“Unbeknown to him, we in the cheap seats could see over this curtain. He had a small table behind there with a towel and bottle of whiskey on it. Van poured himself a large one, then undid his kecks, picked up the towel and started to give his knackers a good old towelling down. Class.”

On Saturday, we asked the daily readers if they’ve ever shagged a celebrity. J wrote:

“Me and a grindr hook up were going at it and I had a playlist on shuffle (I’ll spare the sordid details). A song came on, he freezes and asks if I’m being funny? Asked me about four times. I was very confused, getting ready to ask him to leave, but he realised I didn’t know what the hell was going on, he calmed down and we got back to shagging hard.

“We finish. He leaves. I go back and review the playlist. Find the song. Google the band then and now. And yes. I found out I’d just been jolly rogered by one of S Club Juniors after he was all grown up. And my, this junior certainly blossomed as a senior…”

Yesterday we asked readers to confess to any acts of celebrity kleptomania they’d committed. MT wrote:

“I was a nervous 18 year old, invited through work to a product launch in a shoe shop in Manchester in 1997, held in conjunction with a lads mag where Melinda Messenger was the star attraction. There was free beer, nibbles and giveaways – but after I had queued up and met the lovely Melinda, I got a bit bored as it wasn’t really my scene.

“On the way out I stole four beers to take home to share with my flatmate. However Melinda caught me as she was leaving and asked me what I was doing. Honesty being the best policy, I confessed and told her everything. Upon which she said ‘Grab a crate and walk out with me. No-one will say anything to you.’

“I didn’t need to be told twice. I went home that night to my flatmate with a crate of beers and a story which sadly he wouldn’t believe.”

Classic album covers redesigned to promote social distancing
[See on 6 Feet Covers]

Slayer v Benny Hill
[Watch on YouTube]

Live action Hungry, Hungry Hippos – with senior citizens
[Watch on YouTube]

If raccoons can do it, you can do it
[WASH YOUR HANDS]

New York City’s guide to sex in the time of Covid-19
[They got new rules…]

Caught up on all your boxsets already? Unblock video content from all over the world with a CyberGhost VPN. CyberGhost is currently offering Popbitch readers a 76% discount on its one year plan – which works on up to seven devices – for just £2.45 a month.
[Find out more here]

A Kirstie Alley interview that’s delightfully madcap
[As you’d expect]

The 800 Men Who Look Like Kenny Rodgers
[RIP Kenny]

Still Bored?
Plans are afoot to put together a digitally streamed version of the Popbitch Popquiz next week. In the meantime, we’ve compiled the Popbitch Puzzlebook – a collection of quizzes and activities all perfectly designed to be completed in self-isolation. £5 and it’s all yours.
[Get your download here]