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“All roads lead to shit” – Rylan
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* Cheryl v Boris: Who did it better?
* Three cheers for Mark Field!
* PLUS: Choppers at Glasto
>> Johnson & “Johnson” <<
The further adventures of Boris
The Telegraph pays him £275,000 a year. The Evening Standard is edited by a fellow Bullingdon boy. The Guardian is too puritanical to get properly stuck into the muck and journalists at the Mail are already being courted for potential comms gigs at No.10 – so it looks like no-one’s going to bother asking this question unless we do…
Pundits have wondered why Boris Johnson and his team seem so keen to avoid addressing the substance of this “lovers’ tiff”. If anyone could bluster his way through some half-arsed excuse and emerge unscathed, it’s him.
Could it be that the row he had with Carrie Symonds in her Camberwell flat actually went on significantly longer than has been reported so far – and that it contained many more personal details about the current state of his relationships?
Yes, that’s relationships plural; no, we don’t mean Bip Ling. (We’d have headlined the story “Bip Questions: Who’s askLing what this week?” if we did…)
>> Office politics <<
The Reich way to do it
As former Loaded editor Martin Daubney prepares to take up his seat as a Brexit Party MEP in the European Parliament next week, we thought we’d offer him a few quick words of advice before he goes.
First, you’re probably going to find that even fewer people are interested in hearing about your fascination with Hitler than they were at Loaded.
Second, if you’re invited to any Halloween parties before we leave on October 31st, for god’s sake don’t go dressed as him (the way you did at that infamous Loaded staff party at the Stamford Arms).
Third, be sure to try the waffles. They’re delicious!
Movie of the year? Glenn Danzig’s Verotika features a woman who has eyeballs for nipples, which cry on a spider that turns into a monster that kills people while she sleeps.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which journalist found themselves becoming unexpectedly freelance after getting caught using the office toilets to take some explicit shots for their OnlyFans page?
Popbitch readers are losing weight so easily with Slimpod. Described as “profound and life-changing” by an NHS consultant, enjoy lasting weight loss without dieting or willpower. There’s already £50 off in the great summer sale but you can get £60 OFF with code POPB27. Get yours now!
[Find out more at Thinking Slimmer]
>> Holden back <<
Nice kneecaps ya got there
Phillip Schofield says his weekend was ruined because Amanda Holden had been such a meanie about him in the press.
Little diddums should count his blessings. If the story about what Amanda Holden did to the person who sold the snaps that exposed her cheating on Les Dennis is even halfway true, then Phil is lucky to still be standing…
2019 is the Nine Inch Nails comeback: Lil Nas X built Old Town Rd on 34 Ghosts IV; Miley Cyrus’ Black Mirror episode has her covering Head Like A Hole; 5 Seconds Of Summer’s excellent Easier is based around the drums in Closer.
>> Now then, now then <<
The legend continues…
John Legend interrupted his family holiday in Italy this week to pay a quick visit to Norwich, landing his helicopter in Jarrold Business Park.
He was visiting the set of the new Netlix Xmas movie he’s a producer on. Central Norwich has been covered with snow these last few weeks as they’re filming on Elm Hill at the minute – transforming it into a Victorian wonderland, complete with horse-drawn carriages and Forrest Whittaker.
We’ve got no idea if anyone from the UK is working on the film but, if not, can we maybe suggest a slight change? It’s nothing huge but, after the Jimmy Savile scandal, we’re not sure there’s going to be much of a market here for a family film called… Jingle Jangle.
Nominative Determinism of the Week: Fleetwood Town FC’s new Head Of Commercial, Joe Fleetwood!
>> Celebrity laundry <<
Tweeding between the lines
What do Boris Johnson and Cheryl Tweedy have in common?
Aside from the flirtations with violence in their early careers, the persistent accusations of racism, the colourful love lives and the children that they both work so hard to keep out of the public eye – what links the two of them?
As this last week has shown, it’s more than you might first think.
With the PR machine working full tilt to launder Boris’s bad reputation, we thought it might be helpful to put the sorts of stories that you’re going to be seeing about him over the next few weeks into a bit of context – using the tried and tested Cole-Fernandez-Tweedy method.
Round of applause for Chris Youell at Norwich Crown Court last week. While prosecuting the case of a drug dealer who hid heroin up his arse in a Kinder Egg, he said the story had “a very familiar ring” to it.
>> Fields of gold <<
There’s good and bad in all of us
Tory MP Mark Field drew a lot of flak for grabbing a female Greenpeace protestor by the neck last week and frogmarching her out of the door at the Mansion House dinner speech.
But before you condemn him forever, there’s something you should know about Mark Field. It’s quite possible that he was the man responsible for the greatest day in this nation’s long and chequered history.
You see, although he’s always denied it, up until last Friday Mark Field was better known to his Westminster colleagues as the man most likely to be the source behind that David Cameron pigfucking story.
Was 2019 the year you swore you’d switch up your career? We’re almost halfway through, but it’s not too late to act. Come to Shoreditch next Wednesday for She Made It: stories from women who do what they love, talking about the bumps in the road that got them there. Popbitch readers get half-price tickets; just £5 with discount code POP50.
[Weds 3rd July – last chance to book!]
>> Wild, wild Westbrook <<
Going rogue at the Shard
Does anyone know what Danniella Westbrook did that means she’s no long allowed to be left unaccompanied whenever she visits the News UK offices? The chaperone she’s given isn’t part of the VIP package. It’s because Danniella will actively try to slip her leash given half a chance and go off exploring the building.
On one occasion, she managed to sneak away from her minder for long enough that security had to get involved. They called up to the editors’ conference and the showbiz ed was dispatched to scour the Baby Shard to track her down.
We don’t know if these two things are related, but Danniella was one of the few people that Brian Harvey trusted enough to keep a spare laminated copy of the dossier of evidence he was building up against News International (as it was then) and NOTW. Are they worried she’s still acting as a mole?
Charlie from Busted is obsessed with The Shawshank Redemption.
>> Name and shame <<
Holmes under the hammer
Poor Eamonn Holmes. Not only is he currently up to his eyeballs in a £2m tax case that isn’t looking hugely hopeful, his regular absences from work at TalkRadio are causing co-workers to start grumbling.
In fact, they’ve recently given him a new nickname: ‘Stay At’.
As in, Eamonn ‘Stay At’ Holmes.
Word around radio is that Chris Evans’ listening figures have been massaged harder than John Travolta. And with no happy ending in sight either.
>> Chopper nawty <<
Copying the greats
Amid all the hoo-hah about just how many helicopters are expected to land at Glastonbury this weekend, we were reminded of a story from the festival back in 1994, when helicopters arriving on site were a real rarity.
One was spotted making its descent that weekend and everyone backstage got very excited as a rumour went round like wildfire that it was Princess Di…
Then the chopper landed. And 80s acid-jazz gonks Galliano got out.
This week’s Media Masters podcast is an interview with Dominic Smales, CEO of Gleam Futures. A digital talent management firm that represents the biggest stars of social media (including Zoella, Jack Maynard and Pixiwoo) he talks about how these influencers on the new frontier of celebrity are changing the game…
[Listen/Download at Media Masters]
>> Hmmms <<
Pumps, pandas, Pennywise
Popbitch Popquizzes in July – come and join us for some after work beers and quiz nonsense at Smiths Of Smithfield
[Tuesday 9th July]
[Tuesday 23rd July]A man plays My Heart Will Go On on his bike pump – absolutely inspired idiocy
[Listen]Have you played the Choose Your Own Adventure: Beyoncé’s Assistant game yet?
[Don’t get fired…]
Thanks to: P, SW, bobbi_fleckmann, TF, M, JS, N, GO, whatever_yeah?, monstris, theabominablehoman, AM, CM, plastikthom, SH, EIB, HD, AH, TD, gentlemanthug
Old Jokes Home
Asked my North Korean friend how it was living there.
He said he couldn’t complain.Still Bored?
One of our favourite podcasts, The The One Show Show, is recording a live episode at the London Podcast Festival on Friday 6th September. Jon Holmes, Marc Haynes and guests will be critically analysing episodes of the BBC’s batshit teatime magazine show. It’ll be a belter.
[Book tickets now]