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“I feel like I was born into this world knowing Whitney Houston” – Nicole Scherzinger
“I’ve been out of my body twice. I’ve got information over there you can’t get on Earth” – Gary Busey
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|_| |_| 28.08.14 ISSUE 704
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* Kate Bush’s rotten wood
* Dan Wootton: bell end or bellend?
* Charts: Robin Schulz scores 2nd no 1
>> Mistletoe and whine <<
Silly season gets serious
So South Yorkshire police did everything it could to stop the Times reporting the Rotherham sex abuse scandal, yet this month the very same force had been “working with a media outlet” to publicise a raid on Cliff Richard’s house. What’s the lesson from this? That the media is only tolerated if it can help get a celebrity conviction?
The mishandling of the Cliff operation can’t even be put down to a rush for justice. It was a full 18 months ago that we remember police sources starting to brief journalists that they had Cliff Richard in their sights. Hacks had even started checking out Heathrow whenever Cliff entered the country, to see if anything was happening. So, it’s unlikely this raid was done on a whim.
What started out sounding like over-eager gossip is now looking more like the police’s attempt to get the media to help build the case. With the BBC’s coverage of the Cliff Richard raid, they may have got their wish. But all they’ve managed to succeed in doing so far is making us feel bad for a man who released Livin’ Doll and lends his house to Tony Blair.
And that’s truly unforgivable.
Disaster befalls the Hamptons! NY Post is reporting that rosé wine stocks are so low they won’t last out Labour Day.
>> Big Question <<
What people want to know
Which Brit sports star had a Jonah Hill-style rant at paparazzi in LA over the summer? He’s lucky none of the photographers were recording video when he chose to call them “faggots”.
An anagram of new Liverpool signing Divock Origi is Giro Cok Divi.
>> The painter’s lick <<
Kate gets Ronseal of approval
She might be flavour of the month with the great and the good but, according to passers-by on the streets of Reading, Kate Bush really needs to sort out the wooden gates outside her home there. We’re reliably informed that they’re rotting and could do with a good lick of wood preserver.
FYI: Jimmy White, on the other hand, keeps his gates in perfect order. Proper celeb.
Jayne Middlemiss is a chair hog. She dumped bags across three chairs in Starbucks yesterday, pretending to anyone who asked that they were taken.
>> Wielding the axe <<
Perils of internet advertising
Check out US news provider ABC’s website. You can watch videos of their TV news reports. So, as you settle down to see a disturbing item on James Foley’s jihadi execution, you first get an advert. It’s extraordinary that brands like Volkswagen and Pfizer think that seeing a report of a beheading would get you in the mood to check out their new offerings.
50 Shades author EL James has splashed out some of her squillions on a new car. A Lamborghini? Maybach? Nope. A VW Golf.
>> Stepping up <<
Lisa is the new Danan
Seems Lisa Scott-Lee has grown bored of being a yummy mummy in Dubai, so she has gone and done what all faded stars do. She has launched her own performing arts academy.
One PR release refers to her as an ‘international pop sensation’, but given that the Dubai radio station she did a presenting stint with hasn’t extended her contract (on account of few people knowing/caring who she is) it’s unlikely the nouveau rich of Dubai will pay much heed.
FYI: Lisa’s Hear’Say stand-in hubbie Jonny has hyphenated his surname to include hers. They are now Lisa Scott-Lee and Jonny Shentall-Lee. How very modern!
Paul Danan spotted at Standon Calling festival, “breakdancing” outside the rock ‘n’ roll smoothie stall.
>> Dad’s barmy <<
Not fit for a princess
Last weekend Peter Andre played Newmarket Racecourse. Being Andre, he brought his children out on stage and got them to pick members of the crowd to come up on stage during ‘Mysterious Girl’. One of the people chosen was a very drunk woman who spent the whole song getting unnervingly close to Andre’s little daughter Princess Tiaamii, who wisely tried everything to scarper, until Andre noticed and had to tell the woman (on the mic) to “get away from her”.
Programme of the year, 2015? “Mark & Derek’s Excellent Flip”. Ballroom dancers Derek Hough and Mark Ballas buy a house and renovate it for profit.
>> RIP Dickie <<
A Popbitch memorial
When filming Shadowlands, the tense and moving scene with Anthony Hopkins at the bedside of the dying Debra Winger was filmed with a stripped down crew. There was a reverential hush as Hopkins delivered his lines but, as they finished filming the exasperated sound man cursed, complaining that there was some weird background noise that was ruining the take. The actors and crew turned to find Richard Attenborough trying and failing to stifle tears and weeping.
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>> Cops and rubbers <<
The feels on the bus
Fans of serial manure-perv David Truscott might have a new hero in Philip Milne, the Bedford pensioner who was a caught shampooing his genitals on the X5 bus last year. Well, after insisting that he had ‘learned his lesson’ and that he was ‘no hardened criminal’ (fnar fnar) he has just been in court this month having been caught giving himself two further scrubbings on the very same bus route.
A burglar in Falkirk was caught after he used his victim’s computer mid-burglary to search for second-hand dealers in the Falkirk area to sell his swag to.
>> Morning bellend <<
It’s Daniella v Dan
When we leaked the Sunday Sport’s style guide a few weeks back, many of you seemed surprised that anyone would struggle to correctly style the word ‘bellend’ but it’s a more common problem than you’d think.
Why, only just this morning Daniella Westbrook sent a (now deleted) tweet to Dan Wootton calling him a ‘bell end’. But obviously, as we all know, he isn’t. He’s a ‘bellend’.
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Quality urban art sale continues… more going up Thurs eve (28th) after 8pm (BST). 50+ pieces inc Obey, Banksy, Rourke Van Dal, Mark Forshman, Godmachine, Crosshair, Mike Giant + Amazing Movie Art… & More!
http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm
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>> Hmms <<
Bellend, Christeene, otters
After holidaying in Sandy Balls, this looks a good place for an autumn retreat:
http://www.lowbellendfarm.co.uk/
Richard Dawkins can add ‘otters’ to the list of animals he’s watched sixty-nine:
http://i.imgur.com/g6iZ5NB.gif
Old Jokes Home
Q/ What internet search engine do Israelis use?
A/ Netanyahoo
Still Bored:
X-Factor starts this weekend. Adam Macqueen has worked out their PR formula so you can see what’s going to happen this season, only in the Popbitch phone/tablet magazine. Should work on any smartphone,
and available here on Android, Kindle, Apple:
https://popbitch.com/articles/
