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“My friends from Doncaster are not Hollywood in any way” – Louis 1D
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_|12.11.15 ISSUE 762
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Email stories hello@popbitch.com
* “Our Fingers Are Rusted…”
* Muck in an elevator
* Charts: Adele is still No. 1
>> High-flutin’ <<
A very pale ale
A barman who served David Cameron at a members’ club recently mentioned that the PM requested his fancy drink be served in a standard pint glass – so that he didn’t look too snooty in front of the other patrons.
Though quite what he thought the casual observer was going to mistake champagne for is unclear. Pear cider, perhaps?
A racing trainer told us that AP McCoy’s wife Chanelle is so high-maintenance even the Queen jokingly refers to her as “The Duchess”.
>> Song sung blue <<
BT Sport hears sweet FA
On Monday night the televised FA Cup game came from FC United of Manchester, the club set up by Man Utd fans as a protest against the Glazers takeover. Central to their manifesto was that football should be played at 3pm on a Saturday, and not moved around at the whim of TV.
So how did a Monday night kickoff on BT Sport go down? Well, with such loud chants of “Fuck BT Sports” that they had to cut sound and over-dub crowd noises for TV.
Fox Sports, covering the game for the States, were either made of sterner stuff, or didn’t understand the local accents. Pretty much every “Fuck the FA” and “Fuck BT Sports” could still be heard.
Pervs of Soho rejoice! A brand new bongo mag, launched in honour of Paul Raymond, is to feature a sexy softcore shoot set in Trisha’s.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
A certain Brit abroad is now enjoying much more positive press attention than he ever got at home. Could it be that he’s stopped asking any female journalist who interviews him for a blowjob?
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Michael Palin speaks about the latest instalment of his diaries, Travelling To Work. Go see him, 10th Dec. 20% off tickets using code FUNNYWALKS (now 20GBP):
http://bit.ly/1PcdjZL
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>> Teenage dreams <<
Don’t let the Sun come down
X Factor needs all the friends it can get right now, so Rita Ora getting frosty with the Sun can’t be ideal. Turns out she’s been trying to ban Sun journos from her press events – even X Factor stuff – because she’s annoyed at the paper for running extracts from an unofficial biography. The book revealed a recorded (but unbroadcast) section from a TV interview in which she spoke candidly about a relationship with a 26 year old man when she was 14.
Rita’s very lucky this story didn’t break sooner though. That interview nearly aired in full back in 2013 – and underage sex wasn’t the only dodgy activity she mentioned.
When her people realised these teenage confessions might cause complications with future US visas, they got someone down to the TV station just in time to demand the incriminating section was cut – literally minutes before it went out.
Great news about Busted reforming. Hopefully fans will be dusting off the “Our Fingers Are Rusted From Frigging To Busted!” banner we loved so much on an earlier tour.
>> Rude awakening <<
Mans’ best friend
Journalist Kate Spicer’s search for her lost dog Wolfy was all over social media this week. It’s no surprise celebs rallied round. Wolfy had made some very famous friends.
A well-known Welsh actor, who crashed on Kate’s couch one night, was woken in the morning by a hot, wet and slightly rough sensation around his groinal area.
Wolfy was licking his balls.
Popbitch’s favourite region of Germany? Rimsting, obviously. And the Mayor of Rimsting? Mayor Mayer.
>> Muddy huddle <<
Muck in an elevator
A big London media agency hosts a prestigious event, Huddle, today – an event that the building’s lift technicians have been dreading all year.
Last year, Huddle went on quite late, with drinking and dancing and singing. Around 10pm a wave of people decided they’d call it a night, only to find that one of the lifts had been cordoned off and shut down.
Why? Because some mystery reveller had mistaken it for the toilet and taken a huge dump in it.
No-one managed to catch a sight of the phantom pooper, even though they trod the evidence all through the downstairs entrance.
Julian Rhind-Tutt spotted on a train at East Croydon, texting in the most peculiar fashion. He only uses his right thumb and left index finger.
>> IDSHC <<
We’re so, so sorry…
We’ve often toed the line of decency, telling you tales about Nigel Farage’s “choad-like qualities”, or how Michael Gove likes to narrate a lot of what he does, as he does it, in the bedroom. Now though, we’re about to barrel-roll right over it.
Are you ready?
According to someone who caught a sneak peek while getting changed in the gym, Iain Duncan Smith has a wang that was described not only as “huge”, but as “freakishly huge”.
All the better for fucking the poor with, eh kids?
A reader writes: “Had the misfortune of using the loo after BBC’s Matt Baker… He doesn’t put the seat down or flush after himself.”
>> Guided by voices <<
Scientology in Springfield
As The Simpsons limps on through its 27th season, trying to find new adventures for the citizens of Springfield, one thing they have stayed surprisingly quiet on is Scientology.
Not because the writing team haven’t thought about it. They’ve been wanting to get stuck into it for decades.
It’s because Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum and a handful of others is one of the church’s highest spending members.
A TV company’s file of artist riders has Beyonce asking for just “Snapple and a clean cafetiere”.
>> Jazzy Jay <<
If you can’t stand the beat…
Jay Rayner is currently doing the rounds to promote his new book, The Oyster House Siege. Anyone thinking of attending any of the promotional events should be warned though: it’s highly likely that he will inflict some jazz on you.
On the evening of the book launch, Jay treated those who turned up to support him not only to a short presentation about the book, but to a full hour of his music.
Daisy Lowe overheard at Dynamo’s show telling Darius how difficult her cookery book was to do as she has an Aga, and everyone else uses an oven.
>> A dark lord <<
Phantom of the Blackpool Opera
Andrew Lloyd Webber maintains the reason he flew back to London last week wasn’t just to vote in favour of cutting tax credits. He also wanted to attend the press night for Cats at the Palladium.
Lloyd Webber insists on making an appearance at these shows, even though he’s proving to be a bit of a bad omen.
His last few West End shows have all been massive flops, but that’s nothing compared to what happened when he went to see Jane McDonald star in Cats at the Blackpool Opera House earlier this summer. Someone a few seat down from Lord Lloyd-Webber suffered a fatal heart attack mid-show.
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Fundraiser for Syrian refugees: Tues 17th, Lord Nelson SE1, 7pm+
* Shots with a Syrian twist! * Burger eating contest! * Raffle! * Beer pong! * Arm wresting! Email:
sofapr@mac.com for info/reservation
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>> Hmmms <<
Bedders, T’Pau, Obama
FREE tickets to a political discussion. Trident – are you for, against or no idea? 26th November, free tickets with code POPBITCH:
http://bit.ly/1l9by2O
We see you, Thurrock Gazette, making cheeky jokes in your URLs:
http://bit.ly/1Sipthw
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Thanks to: monstris, NB, NG, SK, T, davesixstringsperry, SA, bigdog, KJ, K, abominablehoman, ML,
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Old Jokes Home:
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa-dum-Tsss.
Still Bored?
Snooker player Steve Davis is a pretty mean DJ. Listen to his Interesting Alternative Show:
http://blocweekend.com/steve-davis/
