Popbitch v The Pope

Footage of Mike Tyson celebrating wildly at Tyson Fury’s win in Vegas last weekend was splashed all over the internet – but it’s possible that Mike’s enthusiasm wasn’t just about his love for the sport.

Ahead of the fight, Mike was offering meet-and-greets with fans. Not for any standard cash fee, but in return for gak. Obviously there wasn’t any shortage of Mike Tyson fans hanging around at a Las Vegas bout. So, unsurprisingly, he was a bit off his head.

There’s been a rumour going around this week that Boris Johnson hasn’t been seen in public recently because he was nursing a black eye, thanks to Carrie biffing him one after she caught him shagging around while she was sat home, pregnant.

Without wishing to piss too heartily on the parade, we feel we ought to tell you that variations on the “Carrie is pregnant” rumour have been circulating for almost as long as the two of them have been a couple.

It was rumoured as being the reason for the fight that the police were called to last June; rumoured as being Johnson’s secret weapon in the snap general election last December; rumoured to be the cornerstone of a big “BORIS’S BREXIT BABY!” press offensive as we left the EU last month – and now is being rumoured as the reason he’s shirking his public duty in February.

Virile though Boris unquestionably is, we’re not sure even he is potent enough to muster four concurrent pregnancies. Especially not in the same woman.

Which well-paid ITV host has been highly critical of her colleagues’ coke-cutting? When one of them very generously chopped her out a line from their own stash, she baulked at the portion on offer, asking “Oh my god! Are you POOR?”

Just when you thought there was no more barrel left to scrape, Simon Cowell announces his plans to release a series of children’s books, co-authored with his six year old son, Eric, based around a collection of “magical and unusual” creatures that the two of them dreamt up.

The first two ingenious creatures cited in the press release? The ‘dat’ (a dog/cat) and the ‘cog’ (cat/dog). Thrilling stuff.

Luckily for the next generation of readers, the actual plan appears to be getting most of the characters crowdsourced, created and named by social media.

Which all seems like an awful lot of faff to go to for such a cynical cash grab. He should have had a word with a few of his colleagues. Surely one of them must know a discreet ghostwriter?

Sting has been over in San Francisco this last month, performing in his musical at the Golden Gate Theatre. He’s been staying at the Four Seasons while there and was spotted by a Popbitch reader in the bar enjoying a nice cup of tea.

All very normal, you might think. Our reader thought so too. Until they went to leave and noticed that on the back of Sting’s jacket there was a huge embroidered cartoon of… Sting’s own face.

Seen a stranger bit of celebrity clothing? hello@popbitch.com

In 2018, the Daily Beast ran a fascinating story about an ex-cop who won $24m by rigging the annual McDonald’s Monopoly game. Within days, it had sparked a huge Hollywood bidding war. Warner Bros. Netflix. Robert Downey Jnr. Todd Phillips. Martin Scorsese. Will Ferrell. Steven Speilberg. Mark Wahlberg. Everyone wanted in on it.

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck eventually won with a $1m bid – but Mark Wahlberg wasn’t deterred. Having missed out on the movie rights, he simply went to HBO and brokered a deal to do a six-part docu-series about the exact same story instead (a series which is midway through airing, while the Affleck/Damon movie is still lacing its shoes).

It’s ruffled quite a few feathers, not least with the original journalist – Jeff Maysh – whose work Marky Mark is currently retreading. Wahlberg insists that all the information contained within the HBO documentary has been obtained by making requests under the Freedom Of Information Act – but we wonder how much he actually knows about FOIA requests.

Does he know, for example, that you can place an FOIA request to see who else has made FOIA requests? Because Jeff Maysh does…

The news that Donald Trump is suing the New York Times for libel isn’t hugely surprising, given that he’s been threatening to do it for years. The lawyer that Trump has hired to do it will be familiar to long-time Popbitch readers too: Charles Harder.

Harder is always billed as “the lawyer who killed Gawker” but that overlooks a lot of the other excellent work he’s done for his celebrity clients over the years. For example, we really feel it shouldn’t be forgotten that the man who is currently helping the President Of The United States launch an attack on the free press got his start by helping Jude Law sue a Canadian fireplace company, Clint Eastwood sue an armchair manufacturer, and Sandra Bullock sue a watchmaker.

It also shouldn’t be forgotten that Charles Harder was the first lawyer to rush to the side of Harvey Weinstein, threatening to sue over allegations about rape and sexual assaults made in… the New York Times.

[FYI: We wrote a primer on Harder back in Sept 2016; the last section of which basically foretold this]

Plus, it contains one of our favourite jokes about ‘(Is This The Way To) Amarillo’.

[Read it here]

The incriminating snap was taken by a fellow reveller at a “Colonials and Natives” themed fancy dress party but the photographer didn’t seem to realise what he was sitting on. The photos he’d initially tried to sell to the Sun were ones he claimed showed William dressed in a gorilla costume. As the mask covered his entire face however, there was no real way of telling that it was actually William. So the journalists turned it down.

It was only after that they noticed there was a shot of Harry dressed as a Nazi.

They paid £8,000 in exchange the copyright for that picture and made an absolute killing out of it. The Mail alone paid the Sun £50k to use it the very next day, and the tabloid insisted that the Sun’s logo must appear whenever the photo was used on TV.

An Australian man who was driving happily along the road had his attention caught by a woman in the car beside him, waving at him. When they pulled up at the lights, he wound down the window to hear what she had to say.

“I’ve just bought the new Coldplay album,” she called out to him. “Do you want it? It’s crap!” The man said yes, so she chucked the CD through the open car window.

At which point he realised the woman he was talking to was Toni Collette.

Otter x George Michael
[See on Twitter]

Very satisfying compilation of a hydraulic press crushing various things
[Candles and crayons are particularly good]

The UK’s Eurovision entry is out
[It’s John Newman’s brother]

A browser version of Microsoft Paint
[For all your cock drawing needs]

What’s it like when your ex-boyfriend starts dating Lady Gaga?
[Find out on the NYT]

Musicians have algorithmically generated every possible melody to counteract copyright claims
[Read on Motherboard/Vice]

A Heathrow travelator sings The Smiths
[Hear on YouTube]

We spoke to Prospect Magazine about 20 years of Popbitch
[Read it here]

Interesting long read on WeWork losing billions
[Read on FT]

A baboon in need of a vasectomy got loose in Sydney this week. Props to whoever got Brad Hazzard to talk about it.
[Read the report]

Librarian: “I’m not sure it’s in yet”

Man: “Yes, that’s the one”

Still Bored?
There’s a bunch of new dates added to the calendar for the Popbitch Popquiz. Join us, and our host Tom Webb, at Smiths Of Smithfield on alternate Tuesdays for a pub quiz like no other…
[Tuesday 10th March]
[Tuesday 24th March]
[Tuesday 7th April]
[Tuesday 21st April]