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Commemorate the PJS injunction with your very own legal letter and get yourself a limited edition print of the lawyer-baiting Popbitch artwork Not For Publication. Hurry! Stocks are dwindling!
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“When we wrote our fifth album we were really influenced by Prince” – McFly
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|_| |_|28.04.15 ISSUE 783
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* Victoria’s mismatched stool
* Prince’s extra large bucket
* Charts: Drake is still no. 1
>> Greasy does it <<
We offer a helping hand
There’s still no word from the judges about their decision on the PJS celebrity threesome injunction – but we’re having so much fun writing around the whole thing, we’re kind of hoping this ridiculous shitshow never gets resolved.
As we’re still banned from divulging any details which might identify the injunction holder, this week we decided to talk to some people who work in the hospitality industry to get them to explain exactly how a person might go about arranging an olive oil/paddling pool sex party in a hotel.
And how they might go about cleaning up after themselves…
We estimate there’s about 50 other celeb injunctions still in force. Approximately 35 of those are to cover up affairs.
>> Guns ‘n’ doses <<
The Axl Rose medical show
Axl Rose has volunteered as tribute for Brian Johnson on the upcoming AC/DC tour, but we’re not entirely convinced he’s the smartest choice for a stand-in.
Not only does Axl have issues with punctuality (he was once late for a G’n’R gig because he was busy watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) here is a non-exhaustive list of some of the illnesses that Axl has been struck down with when on tour:
* Tonsilitis
* Otitis
* A mutated form of polio
* A mutated form of rubella
* Swine flu
* Scarlet fever
* Rheumatic fever
That’s just with one band too. Heaven knows what else he’ll pick up now that he’s touring with two.
Axl Rose is a big believer in the healing power of homeopathy.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
One prominent reality star is making the most of motherhood with a series of wholesome family photoshoots in the glossy weeklies – but which of the celeb mags is going to be the first to address the growing suspicions that the smiling new dad is actually a drug dealer?
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>> Hall or nothing <<
Nickname of the game
We, as a nation, need to sharpen up our nickname game.
A few months ago we told you of the woefully unimaginative nickname David Cameron’s family has for him (“Fat Dave”). Now we hear that staff at the BBC have come up with an equally lamentable one for the Director General.
The codename for Tony Hall that’s currently going around the exec floor?
“Tony Stupid”
Come on, guys. You deserve to be dismantled if that’s the best you can do.
Q/ What’s blue and white and sings Cuban music?
A/ Gloria Leicesterfan
>> French Kiss’n’tell <<
Footballer rite of passage
Despite only making a handful of appearances so far, Man United’s 18 year-old full back, Timothy Fosu-Mensah, has already managed to bag himself a place in one particular footballing hall of fame.
Tim was caught sending mucky texts to a French glamour model and consequently found himself plastered all over the front cover of the Sun on Sunday.
What the paper somehow lacked the space to make clear was that the model in question, Eglantine Flore-Aguilar, has been deployed by the tabloids to befriend football stars online for years. Miraculously, their hormonal sexts always seem to make it on to their front pages.
Fosu-Mensah is, by our count, at least the eighth sports star to fall for this age-old trick. Ashley Cole, Mario Balotelli, Saido Berahino and Amir Khan all got the same feature some years ago.
Q: What’s blue and white and has massive teeth?
A: Leicester Rantzen.
>> Vicky situation <<
Wood you believe it?
For all her woman-of-the-people, salt-of-the-earth appeal, Victoria Wood was not without her diva-ish side.
She was once booked to perform for a big event run by the Evening Standard at a hotel in Harrogate, but she walked into the ballroom, took one look at the grand piano and said “No, I’m not playing that” before turning on her heel and walking out.
One helper, armed with the Yellow Pages, managed to find a replacement piano which matched Vic’s specifications – and it was owned by a couple who lived out in the Moors.
After much hairpulling and pleading, they managed to convince this couple to loan the hotel their piano for the evening, had it loaded into a van and brought to the venue for Ms Wood’s approval.
She re-entered the ballroom, took one look at the new piano, said “Now the stool doesn’t match!” and walked out again.
John Whittingdale is MP for Maldon, Essex. The European city with which Maldon is twinned? Brest.
>> Popcorn Rain <<
Little man, big appetite
In among the many heartfelt tributes to Prince that have been proffered in the last week, none made any mention of his voracious appetite for popcorn.
One reader told us about the time they attended a daytime screening of a movie in LA, where Prince and Prince’s bodyguard were the only other people in the theatre.
About fifteen minutes into the film, they heard a noise that sounded like a pack of wolverines tearing into
a binbag. But it wasn’t. It was the Purple One, absolutely going to town on an extra large bucket of buttered popcorn.
Prince is fondly remembered in one North Carolina town. He gave $37k when it was devastated by Hurricane Floyd. The town? Princeville.
>> Romanian rock bottom <<
What’s 16m between friends?
There aren’t many laughs to be had in the Euro Referendum so Cameron and Farage have both resorted to making cracks about the UK’s future in the Eurovision if we were to leave the EU.
Far aside from the fact that non-EU countries have been participating in the contest since forever (Albania, Armenia Australia, Azerbaijan – to name just a few of the As) being an EU member is no guarantee of favourable treatment.
Poor Romania were disqualified from this year’s competition as their national broadcaster has racked up quite a debt with the European Broadcast Union.
But if the EBU can’t let a little 16 million franc debt slide when they are presented with such meaningful hard rock as this, we’re not sure we want to be any part of their contest.
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>> Traffick jam <<
‘Kip dip, dog shit
Labour’s poor handling of the Naz Shah situation has drawn a few unflattering comparisons to those major scandal-magnets, UKIP. But UKIP really is in a whole other league when it comes to sketchy pre-office history.
One of the geezers who has drifted up to the top ranks of the party used to like to regale his ex-colleagues with tales of the time he spent as a mercenary in South Africa, smuggling diamonds, running guns, and using a commercial freight company as a front for him to dabble in a little light people-trafficking.
Whether he actually did any of this or not, we couldn’t say – he might just be trying to make himself sound more interesting. But if you find yourself anywhere near the Worcestershire County Cricket Club tonight, you might be able to ask him yourself. He’s one of the people helping arrange tonight’s meet-and-greet event with Nigel Farage.
Political Nominative Determinism: The head of the disbanded Hollywood society of Republicans, Friends of Abe, was called… Jeremy Boreing.
>> Popbits <<
Time to pay the Piper
When we heard Laurence Fox was planning to release an album, we weren’t really looking forward to it. But having spent the week listening to the new Beyoncé album and chewing over all those clues about “Becky With The Good Hair”, we’re now wondering if his album will shed some exciting new light on the reasons behind his split with Billie Piper.
Given that his sole musical influence seems to be Coldplay (who released an entire album about the Chris/Gwyneth bust up) the signs are pretty good. It’s just a shame it sounds like a total dirgefest.
Still, maybe it’ll be the thing that snaps Billie back into action and gets her in the studio again to record a blistering riposte, Eamon-and-Frankee style?
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Media Focus podcast roundtable: The Panama Papers – Journalists at the Guardian, BBC and FT discuss their coverage. Listen: http://www.mediafocus.fm
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>> Hmmms <<
Presidents, Prince, porn
A Ted Cruz lady-lookalike is going to star in a Ted Cruz porno parody:
http://nydn.us/1Ty1pJi
Which means we now need a Bernie Sanders porno parody to go alongside the Clinton/Trump/Cruz collection:
http://bit.ly/1RK0Db6
Hacked Off have their own in-house magazine now:
http://bit.ly/1Uf9F3d
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Thanks to: AM, A, B, deep_stoat, roger_mycock, soapyhanderton, SG, ________,
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Old Jokes Home
Q/ Why do ants get sick?
A/ Because they have little anty bodies
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