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New York cabaret star Lady Rizo comes to Soho Theatre for a three-week run from Monday. A great night out for anyone: http://bit.ly/UixZDd
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“I love touching” – Jeremy Irons
“Rapers gonna rap” – Jedward
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|_| |_| 14.02.13 ISSUE 629
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* Horse play with Jeremy Irons
* The Oscar Pistorius jokes have started
* Charts: Avicii is number one
>> Dolph-fun <<
Lundgren’s black humour
During his recent round of press appearances, Dolph Lundgren paid a visit to the offices of a popular tabloid website. There he decided to break the ice with a few journos by telling them a little joke.
“What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you have not told her twice already.”
It was followed by a rather uncomfortable silence.
Congratulations on the appointment as Germany’s new Education Minister go to – Ms Johanna Wanka.
>> Cop a feel <<
Saying yes to Valentine’s
The award for the most romantic tweet of Valentine’s Day must surely go to Avon and Somerset Police:
@ASPolice “Sex without consent is rape – make sure it’s a ‘yes’ this #Valentine’s Day.”
Wayne Hector, co-writer of Nicky Minaj’s Starships and The Wanted’s Glad You Came, had his first hit back in 1996 – Forever by Damage.
>> Murray hint <<
Where life copies art
Staff at the Ministry of Culture have a nickname for their Minister – Maria Miller.
She’s known as “DoSac” – as when they have dealings with her they can’t help but be reminded of the Thick Of It’s head of the fictional Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray.
Viv Anderson’s business card has a line explaining that he was Alex Ferguson’s first signing at Manchester Utd.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Which pop star is really starting to feel the affects from their monster cocaine habit?
Does anyone know who tweeted “CBS video shows Dorner’s body in doorway”, accompanied by a link to some awesome Goatse? Kudos – it was like being back in 2004 again.
Chubby Checker is suing Hewlett Packard over an app to measure penis size called, inevitably, the ‘Chubby Checker’.
>> Pervagrams <<
Yewtree word games
No 1:
An anagram of Dave Lee Travis is… Evil Rat Evades!
Olympics debacle firm G4S, after posting big losses, have sent a memo round to security drivers advising them to stop using their van heaters to save money.
>> Running gags <<
Quick off the blocks
We’re reassured to see that people are trying to make sense of the shocking Oscar Pistorius shooting tragedy in the time-honoured human tradition of circulating inappropriate jokes. Top ones so far:
No judge in South Africa is going to let Oscar Pistorius get away with killing his girlfriend. Why? Because he hasn’t got a leg to stand on.
They call him the Blade Runner. Maybe he thought she was a replicant.
Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your girlfriend out on Valentine’s Day.
What was Oscar Pistorius’ favourite band? Bullet For My Valentine.
No longer on the Oscar Pistorius website, a Nike advert proclaiming “I am the bullet in the chamber”.
>> Horsing around <<
Acting star mounts black beauty
Jeremy Irons was starring as Henry IV in the BBC’s Hollow Crown series. For the battle scenes he was given a beautiful grey horse, which he became so attached to that he rode back to his trailer at the end of the day’s shoot. Then one day he sees a huge black stallion being unloaded. He was told it was going to be the mount of his son, Henry V, played by Tom Hiddleston.
After a lengthy meeting between star and director, and in spite of the fact they had already shot the main battle sequence with the grey horse, it was eventually decided that of course it would be a better idea if Henry IV was on a black horse, and, that getting the crew and extras to reshoot the scenes was obviously the right way to go.
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Getting Married This Year? Know someone who is? Win a brilliant wedding planning app worth GBP 1000 here: http://www.bohomoth.com/?p=27200
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>> Lovebugs <<
Worming into your inbox
This year’s most ridiculous Valentine’s PR campaign award goes to wormery.co.uk.
“This Valentine’s Day, don’t forget to treat your Worms. Those little guys have been very busy for you all year and deserve some tender and affection this Valentine’s Day!
“Our Worm Treat Gift set includes: – Some new Friends : A 150 Bag of new Worms
– Some Treats : A 3kg Bag of Pelletised Worms Treats
– Some Medicine : A 1.5kg Bag of Lime Mix
– Some Treats for the Owner: A Bar of Divine Fair Trade Chocolate
“Go on, Treat the little guys!”
Where are they now? Olly from Hollyoaks runs a Music Hall, Leyshon Bros.
>> Cockwatching <<
More toilet tales
Jean-Paul Gaultier:
“…At the Vauxhall Tavern many moons ago, he wanders into the lav, takes a look at the queue and promptly whacks out his cock and goes in the sink. Then wanders out with a “I’m Gaultier, I can piss where I like” look on his face. The rest of us just looked stunned. Mainly because we couldn’t work out why the fuck he was slumming it in the RVT in the first place.”
Bill Gates’ favourite band is U2.
>> Stag-gering <<
No groom on board
S writes:
“When I worked on the Carnival cruise ship (now adrift off Mexico) the best thing were the stag groups – on many occasions we had only just got out of port before someone thought it was a good idea to throw the groom overboard. It was amazing how many were found washed up alive.”
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Luxury Mile High Club – GBP 4,999 Join the elite Mile High Club on your own private jet. Includes your choice of music (provided it’s Barry White)
http://wish.co.uk/mile-high-club/
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>> Hmmms <<
Mug, Mensch, Knut
Not for the fainthearted – a Giles Coren porn-a-like:
http://bit.ly/YtkdKI
Would Like to Meet is a ground-breaking new verified dating site, giving the game the kick up the backside it needs. Free membership right now too:
http://www.wouldliketomeet.me
“It’s important to point out that we have not stuffed Knut” – Spokesman for the Natural History Museum, Berlin
http://bit.ly/XBp1wL
Skrillex is making his impression on Eurovision 2013 – check out the intro to Slovenia:
http://bit.ly/14UmmED
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Thanks to: MT, electrogal, JB, JC, thebestnameshavegone, AB, DH, MW, AC, bobbifleckmann, ML, MT, Wondercat, TM, mountstnobody, Lang, GHK, TQ, SL, SG, ulysses, deep_stoat, T, EH, horbbag, sydbarretthomes, and RE and AG for spotting how old the last old joke was
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Old Jokes Home:
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food.”
Still Bored:
Guardian comments generator:
http://bit.ly/XaHcKk