Sexy Humanitarian Efforts

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“I want to lose my inhibitions. If you know me, I let everything go” – Debbie McGee

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* Tony Hadley’s tiny gig

* BBC: Class worriers

* Charts: Sam Smith is still No.1

>> Smashback! <<

The greatest Hits

The world continues to be an unceasing shit-tip, but here’s a bright little flicker of hope for you all.
A little announcement cropped up in the depths of the Government’s official Intellectual Property Office website late last week. A notification of a trademark application. Filed by Bauer Media.
To trademark the name “Smash Hits!” again…

Two years since David Cameron fucked a pig. Mad how time flies.

>> Vision impaired <<

Boris “The Cock” Johnson

Even by his own dismal standards, Boris Johnson hasn’t exactly covered himself in glory this week.
Having published his 4,000-word general studies coursework in the Telegraph, he’s now disingenuously pretending that he had no idea his ‘Vision For Brexit’ piece would cause such a fuss in the run up to the Tory conference. Of course.
Luckily for him, execs at the Telegraph knew exactly what reaction it would stir. That’s why the piece was handled only by the executive team. They were worried that looping journalists into the process would get it instantly leaked (such is the mood among workaday hacks at the Telegraph at the moment).

A sports reporter asked Rio Ferdinand at the press conference how much he was being paid by Betfair for his boxing stunt. Ferdinand’s reply? “Do not give him the microphone again.”

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

Which former UK Eurovision star has found a new hobby? He’s taken to live-streaming himself engaging in bareback sex with anonymous men. He also has a whiteboard on show on the webcam stream, keeping tally of how many raw bareback loads he has taken.

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>> Class worriers <<

A BBC balancing act

Nigel Farage built up a nice head of steam about the BBC this week, going so far as to hand-deliver a letter of complaint about their unfair coverage. But the truth is that the BBC are actually tying themselves in knots at the moment (in true BBC fashion) trying to ensure they aren’t seen as pandering to the metropolitan elite.
In fact, one of the specific considerations that Beeb execs now make when reviewing new pitches is: “How will this read to a Leave voter?”
Which is why you’re going to be seeing a lot more of the comedian Rob Beckett on BBC1. As well as his new sitcom pilot last week – a show about living with his parents in a caravan in Margate (an area which turned out a 64% Leave vote) – the BBC has him signed up to host two other Saturday primetime vehicles over the next six months.
Why? Because BBC bods are convinced he’s the only talent they can book who is, to use their term, “visibly working class”.

Fans of the recently axed choir show Pitch Battle have this same attitude to thank. Apparently it was “too Remain-y”.

>> Pillow talk <<

Popping more than collars

Usher, like many R’n’B megastars, has a bit of a reputation for being a silver-tongued smoothie. But how true is that? Well, the court papers of one of Usher’s herpes cases have been unsealed, so we can see for ourselves.
“[The claimant says] she and Usher were friends for years and that their relationship only became sexual in April 2017 after the defendant spent a night with her discussing his ‘humanitarian efforts in Africa, [his] concern about the general contamination and impurity of water supply sources, [his] installation of a complete water filtration system in his home to filter contaminants from his drinking and shower/toilet water, [his] lack of nervousness prior to performances, the state of American politics and current events.'”
S-E-X-X-X-Y.

2017 Eurovision winner Salvador Sobral has retired from music for now while he seeks a heart transplant.

>> Hadley worth it <<

All that glitters ain’t gold

When Tony Hadley acrimoniously split from Spandau Ballet earlier this summer, he claimed it was because he wanted to do smaller gigs without the band. Well, looks like he got his wish.
Hadley is booked to do a solo show at a food festival in Abu Dhabi in November, and he isn’t proving to be much of a draw. Tickets were supposed to cost AED 140, but sales have been so bad that they’re now running a 2-4-1 offer on them – and throwing four free drinks into the pot.
Given that four pints at the nearby Skylite bar would set you back AED 180, this could be the bargain of the year.

There were 69 girls named Khaleesi born in the UK last year. And 7 others misspelled Kaleesi.

>> Labour pains <<

Behind the scenes in ’97

Alastair Campbell has been all over the press this week, reliving the political battles of the last 20 years with another set of diaries. Almost as if he really needs everyone to remember just how central he was to it all.
Back in 1997 respected documentary maker Molly Dineen followed Tony Blair for months, shooting fly-on-the-wall footage for a party election broadcast. In the event very little of it was used. But after Blair’s ascent to No.10, the BBC asked the ad agency who owned the approximately 50 hours of footage if they could use it to make a TV series of the inside story of the campaign.
The agency rang Alastair Campbell to check it was OK. Surprisingly, he said no. He was concerned the footage would make it look like Peter Mandelson was the election mastermind and not him.
The footage remains largely unseen to this day.

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>> Mulled over <<

Millions in the stream

In an effort to better reflect our “modern consumption habits” the Official Charts Company has now formally changed the definition of a million-selling single to incorporate streaming figures. Which means that the number of tracks officially classed as a ‘million-seller’ has been bumped up from 169 to 311.
The lowest-selling song to now be classed a million-seller? Treat You Better by Shawn Mendez (which has actually only sold 234,000 copies).
And the biggest million-seller that nobody can seemingly bear to stream? Mull Of Kintyre.

Candle In The Wind ’97 has been streamed 15 times more than Mull Of Kintyre. That’s how little anyone wants to hear Mull Of Kintyre.

>> Training day <<

Riding with Jarvis

Anon writes:

“While I was reading your story about Jarvis Cocker being caught in first class when he only had a standard train ticket I was actually sitting just behind Jarvis on Eurostar.
“He was sitting in bog-standard standard class. Albeit in coach 5. With business class being coaches 1-4, this was the closest you could get to business without being business.
“He spent pretty much the whole journey staring at his very old iPhone.”

Nominative Determinism Of The Week: the energy and sustainability manager at Tata Steel is called… Barry Rust.

>> Badger V Baboon <<

Know what I mean, Terry?

A Popbitch reader asked the famous question of legendary DJ Todd Terry: “Who do you think would win in a fight between a baboon and a badger?”
Todd Terry’s rather esoteric response?
“You would.”

MEDIA MASTERS PODCAST Richard Bradley, editor-in-chief of the lifestyle and wealth management magazine Worth, spills the secrets of profiling the super-wealthy and explains what the global elite really thinks of Donald Trump…

[Listen/Download at Media Focus]

>> Hmmms <<

Dicks, beard soap, dog piss

Paul from S Club 7 is flogging a bunch of his stuff on eBay

[See the auction list]
Cosplaying penises – a guaranteed way to lose your sex drive

[See on Reddit – NSFW]
Soap for hipsters

[View on Whiskey River Soap]
Local news of the week (with added uncontrollable dog piss)

[Aberdeen Evening Express]
Sasha Bognibov has dropped an excerpt of his Eurovision 2018 song. He seems to have entered “C-list Britpop pompous third album” territory

[Hear on YouTube]
Two years on from #piggate, we revisit the rich history of celebrity animal-shagging rumours

[Read on Popbitch]
Neil McCormick is crowdfunding a novel and, naturally, the last word of his pitch is “Bono”

[See on UnBound]
Jackie Chan jumping over fences

[Watch on YouTube]
Soho sees a funeral procession tomorrow for legendary former Groucho Club manager Bernie Katz (from 1pm, Soho Square)

[Find out more]

Thanks to: Party_B, M, JR, gentlemanthug, monstris, ulysses, MT, RD, SirMJF, yama, thebestnameshavegone, meow, LD, MD, SJ

Old Jokes Home:

Q/ How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A/ None, it’s a hardware problemStill Bored?

Don’t miss the next Popbitch Popquiz. Smiths Of Smithfield. Gossip, trivia, music, filth. £100 bar tab and more up for grabs. Tuesday 3rd October, 7:30pm: £5 per person.

[Book Tickets Now]

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