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“I’m so sick of people blaming nepotism for why they aren’t rich and famous or successful” – Lottie Moss |
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* The Cancellation Of Cuthbert Hogsbottom
* Chopping logs with Susannah Constantine
* PLUS: Other memories of the year… |
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>> The 2022 committee << |
What’s seared on our brains |
So that’s it. Another year of unbridled chaos and celebrity dipshittery and we didn’t get sued into oblivion. Probably best not to dwell too much on it, but we thought we’d gather together a few cherished memories of the year.
If you did feel like getting us an Xmas pint in, then we’re always glad of one – but we’ll be back next week with our annual In Memoriam/RIPbitch issue either way.
Merry Xmas!
pbx
[Chuck us a quid or three here] |
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Matt Hancock’s Pandemic Diaries entered the book charts at No.191 last week and has now slipped out of the Top Thousand altogether. He’s been comprehensively outsold by “The Air Fryer Cookbook”. |
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>> Present incorrect << |
The gift of the Cav |
Henry Cavill seemed genuinely miffed to be ousted as Superman this week – probably because it means he’s now going to have to scrabble to get some new last-minute Xmas gifts together.
One of the first stories we told you this year, back in January, was about the wrap gifts that Henry Cavill gave to a crew he worked with. The way he showed his appreciation for their months of hard work? By offering them their choice of a signed photograph of him as The Witcher or a signed photo of him as Superman. |
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Good reviews are coming in for Paul Mescal as Stanley Kowalski in Streetcar at the Almeida. He was so immersed in the role last night that he chucked a chair off stage and nearly hit a woman in the front row with it. Very dramatic! |
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>> Slapback << |
A strangely familiar incident |
February’s Oscars was one for the history books, but whoever ends up compiling said book will need to make sure they don’t confuse 2022 with 2002 – because it’s easily done.
2002 was the year Will Smith and Jada left the Oscars early citing a “family emergency”. The story in the theatre at the time was that Will had got into a brawl in the bogs with Ethan Hawke and landed a juicy one on Ethan’s cheek. One rumour was that Ethan had been trash-talking Will’s chances against fellow Best Actor nominee Denzel Washington. Another was that Ethan and Jada had been getting very close: despite Jada being married to Will and Ethan being married to Uma Thurman.
2022 was the year Will Smith and Jada nearly got tossed out of the Oscars early after Will got into a different scrap over his wife’s honour, landing a juicy one on Chris Rock’s cheek. The situation was cooled when Will was offered some calming advice by fellow Best Actor nominee, Denzel Washington. And Will was finally presented with an Oscar by… Uma Thurman. |
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By the Meldrew Point’s calculations, the day Will Smith slapped Chris Rock, he was the exact age Richard Wilson was when the first episode of One Foot In The Grave aired. |
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>> Trend times << |
Weirdest crazes of the year |
BRONZE: Nasal tanning sprays were huge on TikTok, even though they’re banned in many countries because they contain melanotan – an artificial hormone which can lead to vomiting, spikes in heart rate and spontaneous erections.
SILVER: “Vabbing” a.k.a. vagina dabbing a.k.a. using fanny juice as perfume, putting a little bit behind your ears.
GOLD: Hamptons Bladder – the big trend among New York’s elite this summer was getting bladder surgery and botox to prevent the need to piss when they all got stuck in traffic driving to their summer homes in the Hamptons. |
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POPBITCH POPQUIZ // Xmas 2022 Edition
With eight brand new rounds of pop culture nonsense, the Play-At-Home Popbitch Xmas Popquiz is the perfect thing for your office parties or family gatherings – provided your colleagues and family are all mucky little bastards.
[Download it now – just £7] |
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>> Sausage party << |
Nice to meat you |
One of the year’s celebrity high spots was the Wagatha Christie trial. From Team Vardy losing vital evidence in the North Sea, to po-faced discussions in the dock as to whether or not “the lads were fuming”, the whole thing was a masterclass in litigation as entertainment.
Even Peter Andre – whose cock and balls took a bit of collateral damage in the course of the case – seemed to get a good laugh out of it all.
At a press evening for his West End turn in Grease, Pete greeted assorted media and showbiz pals at an aftershow soirée by acting as a canapé server – offering everyone who came in a tray of chipolatas. |
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Funniest Celeb Spot Of The Year: Cara Delevingne at Soho Farmhouse one Sunday afternoon enjoying a game of pool. After missing a relatively easy pot, she walked over to the offending ball, leaned over the table and pointed at it, calling it a ‘cunt’. |
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>> Bad influence << |
A shite future in sales |
It’s common for companies who want to target desirable, young demographics to partner up with social media savvy celebs, getting them to post some #sponcon in the hopes it will cut through. But does it actually work?
One company who paid for social media influencer and occasional singer Rita Ora to plug their (very affordable) product got a bit of a shock when they totted up the stats at the end of the campaign. The number of sales generated by Rita posting an Instagram photo and video to her 16 million followers?
Seven. |
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Silliest Celeb Confession Of The Year: in her recent memoir, Mel C said the Spice Girls got hold of Seal’s phone number and used to call him up anonymously, just to make seal noises down the phone at him. |
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>> Leaving with Leo << |
Slipping out the back |
Leo DiCaprio’s unbroken run of dumping girlfriends the instant they turn 25 continued through 2022 and looks to be going strong into 2023 too – as he’s just been seen on the arm of a new 23 year old: Victoria Lamas.
Leo’s distaste for having girlfriends who can buy their own booze without getting IDed is well-documented – but it’s not the only thing he’s known for in Hollywood.
In LA, all the venues for the major galas, parties and events have separate hidden entrances and exits so that A-list guests can arrive or leave undetected and avoid the crowds and paps. This procedure is known as ‘Doing A Leo’.
e.g. “Do you have the facilities at this venue for a Leo?” |
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Other good technical terms we learned this year: “Teddy Bear’s Arsehole” – the fawn coloured eye protectors placed on TV/film camera viewfinders. “10-1″/”10-2” – on-set code for an actor’s absence when they go for a piss/shit. |
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>> Chopping logs << |
A right Royal mess |
We didn’t think we’d ever hear a better clogged bog story than the one where Sarah Vine returned home one night to find her then-husband, Michael Gove, using the hoover to try to slurp a massive turd out of the bowl, but Susannah off of Trinny and Susannah might just have clinched it.
Earlier this year, she told Kaye Adams the tale of a time she blocked the toilet at a fancy lunch event she was at. Unable to flush a particularly troublesome log, her guardian angel came in the form of Princess Margaret. Margaret – having inspected the situation – sent Susannah off to find a knife. She ended up coming back with a cake slice instead, which HRH then used to chop Susannah’s poo up into more manageable chunks and flushed.
Susannah kept the cake slice as a souvenir. |
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Help Popbitch! For £4 a month you can join Club Popbitch – which not only gets you an extra Monday mailout but a whole host of other exclusive perks too. Plus, you help ensure that Popbitch stays funded through these weird times. It’s easy to sign up and support us – and just as easy to cancel whenever you want.
[Find out more here] |
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>> Arsing around << |
The habit of a lifetime |
Old footage of a Little Britain Live routine resurfaced in recent months in which David Walliams (in character as ‘Des Kaye’) drags a series of teenage boys up onto the stage to play a game of ‘Hide The Sausage’ with them. This involves him wrestling each of them to the floor, pulling down their pants to bare their arses, then writhing around on top of them trying to hump them.
The footage is from 2007 but the routine is actually one of Walliams’ oldest bits.
In his schooldays at Reigate Grammar he was famous for pushing smaller boys against a wall and dry-humping them for laughs. The only difference is that the character was called “Cuthbert Hogsbottom” back then. |
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I Can’t Sing: The X Factor Musical managed a longer run in the West End (45 days) than Liz Truss did in Downing Street before handing in her notice (44 days). |
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>> Wedding drama << |
Big day jitters boil over |
While everyone else has been trying to ignite a feud between Victoria Beckham and her daughter-in-law Nicola Peltz, there was a much juicier fall-out that took place behind the scenes of the Peltz-Beckham wedding.
You might remember in the summer we mentioned that the Beckhams fired Brooklyn’s wedding planner five weeks before the big day and drafted in a replacement on the recommendation of the florist. That same florist was given a speaking slot later in the year at the luxury wedding industry’s annual conference event – Engage!22 – but things did not go smoothly.
His talk was interrupted by the original fired planner, who stood up mid-speech and started screaming obscenities, accusing him of being a devious, underhanded backstabber.
This continued for some time until the conference owners were called into the room to break it up. |
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Prince Andrew used to have Clocks by Coldplay as his ringtone. |
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>> Foam secretary << |
Chat-up line of the year |
Before he entered the world of politics, Foreign Secretary James Cleverly was a big-shot at Caspian Publishing, where he became the subject of an excellent anecdote among his former colleagues.
It happened one evening, when some of the team decamped to the pub for after-work drinks. Cleverly got chatting to a co-worker who jokingly asked him if he was trying to flirt with her. His gallant riposte?
“Trust me love, if I were flirting with you you’d be foaming at the gash right now.” |
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Kwasi Kwarteng has updated his LinkedIn to say that he was Chancellor of the Exchequer for “two months” (Sep 2022-Oct 2022). Which is a generous way to describe 38 days. |
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>> What the papers say << |
Maddest celebrity headlines of 2022 |
* “Mathew Horne Says It’s Hard Promoting The Nan Movie Amid Ukraine War”
* “Ed Sheeran’s Back To Gifting People Giant Penis Sculptures”
* “Genesis Star Peter Gabriel Eats Baked Beans To Stay Young But Worries About Side Effects”
* “Prue Leith Admits She Drowned A Bag Of Kittens When She Was A Child”
* “Craig David Says He’s Actually A Psychic And Can Hear Spirits”
* “Seth Green Claims Bill Murray Dropped Him In A Rubbish Bin Aged Nine” |
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Allegedly… A Popbitch Podcast. We made a six-part mini-series earlier this year with Dan Schreiber (from No Such Thing As A Fish) and Ellie Taylor (star of Strictly 2022) where we prod about in the stranger corners of showbiz and celebrity. Get it as part of an Audible membership – including free trials.
[Listen here] |
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>> Hmmms << |
Swearing, sexy monkeys, Excel texts |
A musical time machine – just pick a country and a decade…
[Radioooooo]
Want to send a text message from Kelly Rowland’s phone from the Dilemma video?
[Now you can]
Outstanding Twitter account posting foreign language pop covers
[Incredible stuff]
Toxic by Britney, arranged for domestic appliances
[Listen on YouTube]
Every one of Logan Roy’s “Fuck off”s in Succession so far…
[An NSFW supercut]
An 8-bit rendering of Miles Davis’ Kind Of Blue
[Kind Of Bloop]
Learn to play synths in your browser
[Fun interactive site]
A monkey sanctuary in Stoke-on-Trent hired a Marvin Gaye impersonator to serenade their endangered macaques, encouraging them to mate
[Get in the mood]
Gawker does a full investigation on Liz Truss’s day collar
[Read on Gawker]
Timmy Mallett’s tribute to Terry Hall
[Play on Mixcloud] |
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Thanks to: RK, RD, R, anon, HD, MB, SU, RM, JL, E, KB, HH – and absolutely everyone who has sent us a story, tip, joke, comment or cryptocurrency scam this year x |
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Old Nepo Babies Jokes Home
Q/ How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?
A/ His son wasn’t cast in it.
Still Bored?
If you have lots of time to kill between Xmas and NYE, maybe you want the Popbitch Popquiz 2022 Bundle – ft. every quiz we’ve compiled over the year. A mammoth 80 rounds of celebrity and showbiz bullshit, all ready for you to play whenever you need.
[10 full quizzes for just £25] |
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