Popbitch
  • Latest Email
  • Stories
  • Archive
  • Club Popbitch
  • Quizzes
  • About

Slurred Lines

 

NEW TEXT HERE Charts: Despacito is No 1 again
Cornerstone – no gimmicks, just a great shave delivered to your door. 125,000 UK customers save time and money by having Cornerstone deliver their award-winning shaving product straight to them, at a time that suits. 10GBP off your first box:
http://bit.ly/2p9anGz
“I don’t stand by anything” – Donald Trump
logo
Free newsletter every Thursday subscribe
Email stories to us hello@popbitch.com
* Kelvin’s out on his A.S.S.
* Banging with Bananarama
* Charts: DJ Khaled is number one
>> Fight or flight <<
Kurtains for Klitschko?
 

Sunday’s London to Kyiv flight was rather bizarre. Half the passengers were overexcitable Eurovision fans; the other half were grumpy Ukrainians on their way back from the Joshua v Klitschko fight.

One of our moles got chatting with Klitschko’s cornerman and has been wondering ever since if they were accidentally told of Klitschko’s retirement plan? We’re told the guy looked sad, and said: “There couldn’t be a better way for a guy to go out”.

Katie Price’s daughter Princess has a book out this year and is starting make-up tutorials on Instagram. Princess is nine years old.
>> The firing line <<
Kelvin’s out on his A.S.S.
 

By now you’ll have seen that gobshite of the moment Kelvin MacKenzie has dropped himself in it yet again; this time with his imagined headline of Jeremy Corbyn’s knifing.

How could a man whose job is hanging in the balance behave in such a reckless manner? Well, the fact is that Kelvin has already been fired. He has been for almost two weeks now.

The Sun are keeping a lid on it until the commotion calms but, somewhat awkwardly, he still has to turn up to the News UK building at London Bridge as (thanks to major investment from Murdoch and co.) he still runs his price comparison website, A.S.S., out of there.

According to the new Sunday Times Rich List, half of the UK’s richest couple is Kirsty Bertarelli – who wrote Black Coffee for All Saints.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

There’s a rumour going around clubland that the person who won 19 million on the lottery a couple of weeks ago was 80s star Marilyn. We’d love it to be true, but we’re pretty certain that Marilyn’s still driving a Vauxhall and has been acting like nothing has happened.

And, really, what are the chances of Marilyn opting to tick the “no publicity” box?

Are you ready for Eurovision?
* Italy the hot favourite!
* Romanian yodelers have cannons!
* UK entry doesn’t actually suck!
* Croatia one of the weirdest ever!
* Azerbaijan looks brilliant!
Stayed tuned – our full ESC Guide will be out next week.
>> School of Rikrok <<
Island life for singer
 

Shaggy has announced a world tour which will be stopping off in Manchester, Cambridge and Norwich later this year. Can we expect Rikrok, the singer on It Wasn’t Me, to be joining him?

It seems unlikely. Ricardo is now living in Grand Cayman and is a born again Christian – so presumably wouldn’t dream of promoting the sins of adultery and dishonesty anymore.

Besides, now that he works at the local baptist school (known to the kids as “Mr Ricky”) he probably couldn’t get the time off anyway.

Popbitch’s favourite HR officer? Working at the UK Department for International Development in South Africa… Iwann de Kock.
>> Rock of ages <<
Time to like Sharon again
 

The tabloids are trying to open up old wounds in the Osbourne household, hawking round more pictures of Ozzy out with his hairdresser. Yet tempting though it is to side with Ozzy after Sharon being so relentlessly awful on the X Factor, behind the scenes she has quietly continued to be an absolute rock for him.

During his farewell tour with Black Sabbath this year Ozzy had a kind of breakdown. He was found stumbling around the Manchester Arena after a show shouting incomprehensible nonsense and calling for his buddy who had helped him before during a relapse.

Sharon got the buddy flown in from LA instantly and had him babysit Ozzy for the rest of the tour to ensure he got through it.

Proof that protein shakes have now supplanted perfume as the celebrity brand extension du jour? Katie Price has got her own one out.
>> Diplo doofus <<
Vice x DJ Van der Beek
 

Despite having been the worst thing about Dawson’s Creek, James Van der Beek has stayed in pretty steady employment – doing his bit to help torpedo the ratings of shows like CSI: Cyber, Don’t Trust The Bitch In Apt 23, Friends With Better Lives and Carters Get Rich.

He’s just signed on for a new gig too: playing the part of DJ/producer Diplo in Viceland’s upcoming show, What Would Diplo Do?

It’ll be interesting to see what happens given Viceland’s current audience share and VdB’s preternatural talent to drive ratings into the ground. Could this be the first show in the history of television to draw negative viewers?

Spotted in first class coming back from LAX last week: Martin Gore, Andy Fletcher and director Stephen Frears. Secret project in the works?
>> Raging pull <<
Banging with Bananarama
 

Our inbox was bulging this week with Bananarama stories. Our favourite was another revelation about Robert De Niro’s Waiting.

Shortly after the song charted the man himself paid a visit to London. Intrigued, he wanted to meet the girls so went along to their regular haunt, The Wag Club on Wardour Street, where he did eventually find them.

After a minor three-way squabble for his attention, it was Sara who got to see his Travis Bickle.

Look out kids! Woody Allen’s jazz band is playing the Albert Hall this July.
>> Slurred lines <<
Boozing with Bananarama
SM writes:
“I had to interview Sara and Keren for the Daily Mail a few years back. We met for lunch. I was 20 minutes late and they had already finished a bottle of wine by the time I arrived.”Three bottles later we were all completely pissed. They then announced that they had to go back to the studio to perform some backing vocals for a new single. They put their headphones on and… sang slur free. It was very impressive.

“We then went to a pub. Love them.”

Tamara Ecclestone says her sister Petra spoils her daughter, Sophia. “For her third birthday, she bought her a Pomeranian.”
>> ‘Pik up lines <<
Leering with Lembit
 

Obviously we’re delighted for Lembit Opik that he’s soon to be a dad, but we do hope that fatherhood isn’t going to change him entirely.

One reader told us of the time a few years back when they bumped into him in Boots. She was behind him in the queue buying tampons when he caught her eye.

He offered her the Advantage points on his purchase because he didn’t have a Boots card himself, before inviting her to drop by his office any time she “happened to be in Parliament”.

An early-20th century euphemism for cunnilingus was “sneezing in the cabbage”.
>> Steps back in time <<
Revising H & Claire’s crimes
 

The feature on Steps in FeMail last weekend was a treasure trove of good quotes – and it also provided us with an answer to one of the big mysteries of modern pop.

In the interview, H confessed that “after Steps ended I couldn’t listen to music for two years.” No wonder all the H & Claire stuff was all such absolute dogshit. H couldn’t hear any of it.

FYI: Elsewhere, Lisa Scott-Lee was reminiscing about the sorts of sensational banter the band shared on the road. “We’d always had such fun together. Once we went out on stage in Taiwan and H shouted, ‘Hello Japan!’ by mistake.” Classic…

When Steps imploded, the rest of the band had a nickname for H and Claire: Huntley and Carr.
>> Hmmms <<
Horse, doctor, Eurovision
Science fiction interfaces
http://bit.ly/2qCHv7tDon’t get too excited about the record industry rebirth:
http://bit.ly/2pbRuiN

Police called after cat in tree appears to be holding an assault rifle:
http://bit.ly/2pKmqrG

Justin Bieber’s tour rider for India:
http://bit.ly/2q31pvp

Fabulously named doctor:
http://cbsn.ws/2q2b6Kt

A painting horse:
http://bbc.in/2pBAlSs

San Marino’s Eurovision entry once starred in “Hope: The Obama Musical Story”, which played across Germany in 2010:
https://youtu.be/eZVBSTm5dG8

Romania’s Eurovision entry features huge cannons, but the singer is having a bit of trouble using them:
http://bit.ly/2p0A9gC

Thanks to: MF, IC, AM, EIB, 5AM, PJ, Bengo, TJ, RM, LT, SM, JG, JA, ulysses, dr_strangelove, monstris
Old Jokes Home:
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm?”
“No. He doesn’t like to be disturbed at work.”Still Bored?
If you’ve had your lunch, have a read of the erotic letters James Joyce wrote to his wife:
http://bit.ly/2pKsLp5

Fancy Another?

  • Bedroom Burrito
  • Down The Juicer With Daubney
  • A Pocketful Of Yoghurt
  • A Dogging Oasis
  • A Proper CB

  • Privacy
  • FAQ
  • GDPR Statement