Slurred Lines

Sunday’s London to Kyiv flight was rather bizarre. Half the passengers were overexcitable Eurovision fans; the other half were grumpy Ukrainians on their way back from the Joshua v Klitschko fight.

One of our moles got chatting with Klitschko’s cornerman and has been wondering ever since if they were accidentally told of Klitschko’s retirement plan? We’re told the guy looked sad, and said: “There couldn’t be a better way for a guy to go out”.

By now you’ll have seen that gobshite of the moment Kelvin MacKenzie has dropped himself in it yet again; this time with his imagined headline of Jeremy Corbyn’s knifing.

How could a man whose job is hanging in the balance behave in such a reckless manner? Well, the fact is that Kelvin has already been fired. He has been for almost two weeks now.

The Sun are keeping a lid on it until the commotion calms but, somewhat awkwardly, he still has to turn up to the News UK building at London Bridge as (thanks to major investment from Murdoch and co.) he still runs his price comparison website, A.S.S., out of there.

There’s a rumour going around clubland that the person who won 19 million on the lottery a couple of weeks ago was 80s star Marilyn. We’d love it to be true, but we’re pretty certain that Marilyn’s still driving a Vauxhall and has been acting like nothing has happened.

And, really, what are the chances of Marilyn opting to tick the “no publicity” box?

Shaggy has announced a world tour which will be stopping off in Manchester, Cambridge and Norwich later this year. Can we expect Rikrok, the singer on It Wasn’t Me, to be joining him?

It seems unlikely. Ricardo is now living in Grand Cayman and is a born again Christian – so presumably wouldn’t dream of promoting the sins of adultery and dishonesty anymore.

Besides, now that he works at the local baptist school (known to the kids as “Mr Ricky”) he probably couldn’t get the time off anyway.

The tabloids are trying to open up old wounds in the Osbourne household, hawking round more pictures of Ozzy out with his hairdresser. Yet tempting though it is to side with Ozzy after Sharon being so relentlessly awful on the X Factor, behind the scenes she has quietly continued to be an absolute rock for him.

During his farewell tour with Black Sabbath this year Ozzy had a kind of breakdown. He was found stumbling around the Manchester Arena after a show shouting incomprehensible nonsense and calling for his buddy who had helped him before during a relapse.

Sharon got the buddy flown in from LA instantly and had him babysit Ozzy for the rest of the tour to ensure he got through it.

Despite having been the worst thing about Dawson’s Creek, James Van der Beek has stayed in pretty steady employment – doing his bit to help torpedo the ratings of shows like CSI: Cyber, Don’t Trust The Bitch In Apt 23, Friends With Better Lives and Carters Get Rich.

He’s just signed on for a new gig too: playing the part of DJ/producer Diplo in Viceland’s upcoming show, What Would Diplo Do?

It’ll be interesting to see what happens given Viceland’s current audience share and VdB’s preternatural talent to drive ratings into the ground. Could this be the first show in the history of television to draw negative viewers?

Our inbox was bulging this week with Bananarama stories. Our favourite was another revelation about Robert De Niro’s Waiting.

Shortly after the song charted the man himself paid a visit to London. Intrigued, he wanted to meet the girls so went along to their regular haunt, The Wag Club on Wardour Street, where he did eventually find them.

After a minor three-way squabble for his attention, it was Sara who got to see his Travis Bickle.

“We then went to a pub. Love them.”

Obviously we’re delighted for Lembit Opik that he’s soon to be a dad, but we do hope that fatherhood isn’t going to change him entirely.

One reader told us of the time a few years back when they bumped into him in Boots. She was behind him in the queue buying tampons when he caught her eye.

He offered her the Advantage points on his purchase because he didn’t have a Boots card himself, before inviting her to drop by his office any time she “happened to be in Parliament”.

The feature on Steps in FeMail last weekend was a treasure trove of good quotes – and it also provided us with an answer to one of the big mysteries of modern pop.

In the interview, H confessed that “after Steps ended I couldn’t listen to music for two years.” No wonder all the H & Claire stuff was all such absolute dogshit. H couldn’t hear any of it.

FYI: Elsewhere, Lisa Scott-Lee was reminiscing about the sorts of sensational banter the band shared on the road. “We’d always had such fun together. Once we went out on stage in Taiwan and H shouted, ‘Hello Japan!’ by mistake.” Classic…

Police called after cat in tree appears to be holding an assault rifle:
http://bit.ly/2pKmqrG

Justin Bieber’s tour rider for India:
http://bit.ly/2q31pvp

Fabulously named doctor:
http://cbsn.ws/2q2b6Kt

A painting horse:
http://bbc.in/2pBAlSs

San Marino’s Eurovision entry once starred in “Hope: The Obama Musical Story”, which played across Germany in 2010:
https://youtu.be/eZVBSTm5dG8

Romania’s Eurovision entry features huge cannons, but the singer is having a bit of trouble using them:
http://bit.ly/2p0A9gC