“That’s Football!”

Not since Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle recorded Diamond Lights have we been so excited at the prospect of a collaboration like this – but Arsenal goalkeeper Petr Cech is planning to mark his retirement from football next week by releasing his self-penned debut single…

…and he’s roped in Roger Taylor from Queen to help him.

As the song is being released for charity, we can’t be too mean about it. So all we’ll tell you is that it’s called “That’s Football” and it’s every bit as good as you’d expect a song written and performed by two drummers to be.

Make sure you download it next week!

Daniel Radcliffe has been out and about in Hatton Garden this week, being extremely pleasant to the people who have stopped him but politely refusing selfies as he’s “filming, mate” and doesn’t want pictures getting online.

Interestingly, along with a number of film crew vans, someone swears they also saw JK Rowling on the same street, sat in a stationary black Mercedes, having a chat with people who looked like they were involved in setting up some test shots.

Which sitting MP has been trying Sharon Stone’s Basic Instinct trick on staffers, summoning them into the office for a conversation while going unsubtly commando?

After last week’s story about Andrew Scott snogging up a storm in an LA bar, a fair few of you mentioned that you wouldn’t mind taking a crack at him yourselves. The good news? It’s well within your grasp.

According to onlookers who saw him working the room at The Glory in Haggerston a few months back, Andrew appears to have real difficulty keeping his tongue in his own mouth. Apparently all you have to do is go up to him and tell him how much you liked him in Sherlock/Pride/Fleabag and he’ll have slung his arms around your neck before you know it.

The tabloids have been dutifully reporting on any minor development from Amanda Holden’s current holiday as a pretence to publish a bunch of poolside pictures of her, feigning surprise at how young she looks in her swimwear. But anyone who knows Amanda knows that she’s always been very youthful for her age.

For example, Amanda used to love sneaking out of the house late at night, surreptitiously clambering out of the window so as not to disturb her old man downstairs, in order to party with the handsome Australian nurses who lived in the flat next door.

Not as a teenager though. During her first marriage.

We told you last week about Tom Hardy’s longstanding grudge with Paul Bettany, but Bettany isn’t immune to holding them either. He has one himself with Geoffrey Rush.

Bettany was originally lined up to play George VI in The King’s Speech. However, a scheduling issue cropped up when production arrangements were being made, so he asked if filming could be delayed a bit to help him resolve it.

The story goes that Geoffrey Rush was the one who refused to sign off on any sort of schedule change, meaning that Bettany’s offer was withdrawn and Colin Firth was brought on instead – eventually winning the Oscar that Bettany still feels should have been his.

Unlike most male celebrities, who primarily use Instagram to sext teenagers, Gareth Gates has been using the site’s private messaging function for something marginally less desperate this week.

Ahead of his trip to Birmingham on Saturday, Gatesy has been tapping up various bars and restaurants in the city to see if anyone will give him a freebie in exchange for a favourable social media post.

That sort of thing is par for the course in 2019, but the detail that tickled us is that whenever Gareth refers to his fiancée he does so by her full title: “(Faye Brookes from Coronation Street)”.

Now that he’s out of the Ecuadorian embassy and can no longer make his famous hot plate spaghetti bolognese (the special dish that he used to prepare for his visitors – before the Ambassador banned him from cooking with onion and garlic because of the smell) Julian Assange is going to need some new recipes for his new digs.

Luckily for him, there’s a number of former inmates on YouTube who now teach people how to make delicious dinners using commissary supplies. Maybe he’d like to start with a classic prison pizza?

[See the recipe here]

It’s common among a certain class of celebrity to run searches for their names over Twitter and pick fights with people they find slagging them off (Piers Morgan, Peter Hitchens etc). Some of the more dedicated vanity searchers will also set up searches for common keywords connected to them or their work (Ricky Gervais, Louise Mensch etc).

But hats off to Philip Hensher who has turned the act of self-searching into an art. One tweeter who tried referring to him discreetly in conversation with a friend – without using his name – still somehow managed to summon the man himself into their mentions.

They’re not sure exactly what phrase tripped the alarm, but they suspect the words “cape-wearing”, “lecturer” and “bellend” probably had something to do with it.

Know of a celebrity with more esoteric vanity searching habits? hello@popbitch.com

The season’s hottest scandal? Having had your mother perform at Eurovision.

Last week, 16 year old eco-activist Greta Thunberg took a skipful of shit for being the daughter of Sweden’s 2009 Eurovision entrant, Malena Ernman.

Now Russian state TV has announced it is going to be launching an investigation into allegations of potential vote-rigging on series six of their version of The Voice Kids – after the daughter of Russia’s 2000 Eurovision entrant won it by a suspciously anomalous landslide.

We have no idea who this curse will strike next but we should keep a keen eye on Eliza Doolittle just in case.

The president of Turkmenistan dropped his latest song about his favourite horse at the weekend
[Watch on YouTube]

TV shows as classic album covers
[Marvel on B3ta]

Didn’t think we’d see a better Pete Doherty headline than “Libertines Frontman Wolfs Down Cliftonville Breakfast Challenge” – but we were wrong…
[Read on Metro]

Jeopardy contestants are now forbidden from betting $69
[Read on AV Club]

Paint your own Mr Blobby statuettes
[Bid on eBay]

May dates for the Popbitch Popquiz are now available
[Tuesday 14th May]
[Tuesday 28th May]

One of Insane Clown Posse now hosts a web series with his daughter about consumer rights for furries
[Watch on YouTube]

We have 12 tickets available for a Montemaggio Chianti dinner next Tuesday 7th May at Planet Of The Grapes, Bow Lane. A deluded Liverpool fan has released his table after picking up tickets to the 2nd leg vs Barca. Canapes, four courses and seven wines should be £95 per head, but Popbitch readers can scoop it up at just £75 per head!
[Email matt@planetofthegrapes.co.uk for more]

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