“Once in the 90s I had to visit Sharleen Spiteri’s house in Glasgow for a meeting. Unfortunately I had a stomach virus of nuclear proportions and was desperately hoping that double dropping extra strength Imodium and pepto bismol just before arriving would get me through the meeting safely.
“When I got there Sharleen was already in a meeting in the living room that was running late and I was told to wait in the kitchen. An hour went by and inevitably my stomach began an internal collapse. Getting to the bathroom in the nick of time, I suffered a simultaneous diarrhoea and projective vomit situation that looked like a scene from Alien.
“I managed to pebbledash both the toilet and the closet door which was made of slatted wood, the vom getting in between all the slats and dripping like plasma. Panicking about both keeping Sharleen waiting and ruining her bathroom I frantically cleaned up with loo paper until it was (mostly) gone before being ushered into my meeting probably stinking like roadkill.
“The bathroom was very nice and tasteful and had, thankfully, tons of toilet paper.”