The Daily Tonic: Deirdre Barlow’s Bifta

Jeremy Clarkson’s temper tantrums were so frequent at Top Gear that production staff developed a code for his moods. If things ever reached a ‘CC4’ (‘Cunt Com Four’) then you’d know not to approach him under any circumstance – even if it was urgent.

Given that he punched his producer over a plate of cold cuts in 2015, we can only imagine how high Clarkson would have placed on the Cunt Com scale if he ever found out that certain crew members had taken to pissing in the water pistol he used to spray himself down with to keep cool when filming in the States.

When doing the promo rounds for Sharknado 3, Jedward popped in to the London Live studio for an interview. Predictably, mayhem ensued. Somehow either John or Edward (no-one could tell the difference) managed to sneak into the newsroom.

They bumbled around the room, thanking all the people there for their hard work and telling them to ‘enjoy London’ like some sort of demented royal. But when the news editor told them to get out of his newsroom, John/Edward did not react well.

They marched out, screaming: “YOU’RE ALL REPLACEABLE. YOU’RE ALL REPLACEABLE.”

What’s Craig David famous for? Meeting girls, taking them for a drink, then humping them for the best part of a week – correct? Well, someone at Tesco clearly didn’t understand that Craig David wasn’t joking when he wrote Seven Days.

Before he moved to Miami and started eating clean, Craig would regularly place orders with Tesco’s home shopping service. His orders always got marked out as ‘suspicious’ because they rarely consisted of anything more than booze and johnnies.

Like many before him, Louis Theroux got a lot of pushback for his 2015 film about Scientology. Scientologists are notoriously protective of the church and have some pretty inventive ways of sending out warning shots to journalists they feel are intruding.

One pap who was once assigned to do a job outside the church’s Celebrity Centre in LA was sitting in his car when he saw a young woman leaving the centre with a bunch of leaflets in her hand. She walked up and down the busy street, putting one under the wipers of every car’s windscreen before finally walking up to the pap’s car and slapping one on his too.

When she’d gone back inside, he jumped out of his car to read the leaflet. He saw it was a photo of him and a description suggesting that he was a known paedophile.

In a panic he ran up the street, ripping them off every car, only to discover that – except for the one on his windscreen – the rest were all completely blank.

He considered himself warned off.

“Moses comes down with the Ten Commandments and says ‘Thou shalt not’. He didn’t say shit about 3D printing.” – will•i•am

“I’m the first to compliment, and I’ll just say ‘You look really great’ or ‘You look great’.” – Rita Ora

“People think that I have this huge grudge against Cheryl. And granted, I do.” – Katie Waissel

“The biggest problem we have is not ebola. It’s not AIDS. It’s electrosmog.” – Noel Edmonds

Ten songs from the Top Ten in 2015, torn to shreds then scrappily stitched back together. All you have to do is identify which ten songs they are and which ten artists recorded them.

You get a point for each correct answer. Twenty points in total.

[Play it here]

As we lost Cilla Black in 2015, here’s her greatest Popbitch hits…
[Black: Out]

2015’s MVP: The Swedish sign-language interpreter for Eurovision
[Watch on YouTube]

The Onion x Jane Austen
[See on Tumblr]

I told her, “It’s not what it looks like!”