The Daily Tonic: Holidays With Mr D

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* On the slopes with Joe Swash!

* Rinsing Richard Wilson’s tab!

* PLUS: A Britpop audio round…

>> Monkey business <<

Red coats, blue material

In yesterday’s Popbitch, we ran a joke that someone remembered from Keith Harris and Orville’s ill-gauged “adult” set – but it sounds like it wasn’t just Orville that got roped in to do the mucky stuff. Cuddles the Monkey had quite a mouth on him too.
Another reader remembers seeing Keith at Butlins in Minehead about ten years ago. He was doing a bit of crowd work with Cuddles and sidled up to a lady in the audience. Cuddles said that there was a funny smell in the air, so asked the woman “Can I smell your feet?”
Aghast and embarrassed, she replied “No.”
To which Cuddles responded, “It must be your cunt then!”

Someone who took a trip to Mustique while Liz Hurley was holidaying there says she repeatedly referred to her son Damian as ‘Mr D’.

>> Gagging order <<

Question of the day

Hearing Keith Harris’s hoary old patter has got us thinking about the other go-to gags that celebrities have on hand.
Today’s Question: What’s the best/worst/weirdest joke a celebrity has ever told you?
Send them to hello@popbitch.com and we’ll give out some goody bags for our favourites.

Frank Turner’s favourite joke: “I made a chicken salad the other day. He still hasn’t thanked me.”

>> Runners and riders <<

A few more celebrity demands

afraid_of_mice writes:

“My favourite rider was Meat Loaf, who played two racecourses back to back a few years ago; Newmarket on Friday night and Newbury on the Saturday.
“His rider was quite low-key compared to other artists but he had one slightly more unusual request. As Mr Loaf was allergic to horses, he requested two oxygen cylinders at Newmarket. And four at Newbury due to the allergen exposure the previous night.
“Also when Steps played Haydock, the racecourse laid on quite a spread of food for them in the green room. Shortly before showtime their manager gave them a motivational talk (aka the riot act) about giving a good performance. The talk was punctuated regularly by barked instructions including ‘Claire, stay away from that buffet’ and ‘I’m warning you, Claire…'”

POB writes: “We were in Drayton Manor theme park. Hot, sunny day; very busy. Saw this tall chap dressed in quite a number of layers of black clothing, dyed black hair, wraparound sunglasses. Gary Numan.”

>> All abroad! <<

Celebs on holiday

AJ writes:

“Myself and two mates went to Barbados for Christmas 1993. Richard Wilson was staying at the same hotel so, as you can imagine, we were forever shouting “I don’t believe it!” at him. After a couple of days he offered to buy us drinks all night if we promised to shut up. True to his word, he did.”
CF writes:

“I shared a cable car ride with Joe Swash in a ski resort in Austria. He was being extremely friendly, so I mentioned he looked a bit sunburnt and asked if he was OK. He said he had arrived that very day but turns out he was inexperienced and not a very good skier. He had got lost from his friends and managed to go off-piste and got stranded and lost for several hours. With his mobile phone dead, this had caused the red face and dehydration.”
NK writes: 

“A few years ago we saw former Irish international Niall Quinn at Aqualand water park on the Algarve. He was a fan of the larger rides, queuing several times on the bounce for the most popular, Kamikaze. He also favoured the skimming hands technique to create the biggest splash on entry.”

springheel_jacqui writes: “I saw Tricky in a supermarket on the Ramblas, Barcelona in 2001. He was having conversations into two mobile phones simultaneously.”

>> High flyers <<

Stars in transit

FOF writes: 

“Saw Sarah Jessica Parker on a Dublin-US flight. Had an impressive selection of Louis Vuitton luggage and was surprised to see her hoiking her own bags off the baggage carousel. Matthew Broderick, meanwhile, stood back and let SJP do all the heavy lifting.”
HS writes:

“A few years ago I was on an EasyJet flight to Spain and was sat next to Mona Hammond (Blossom Jackson in EastEnders). Once airborne, she went into her bag and produced the dice game ‘Pass The Pig’ and asked if I wanted to join her in a game. She was competitive but very lovely.”
DJ writes:

When I was a kid, going on holiday to Cyprus with my parents, I accidentally full-on ran an airport trolley into some woman off on her holiday. She was very nice at the time but I obviously had done quite a bit of damage as she limped meekly away in one of Gatwick’s terminals. My mum even said she was bleeding from the shin. Whoops. Sorry, Cheryl Baker.”

Stars at Center Parcs: Stewart Lee, Glen Johnson, Lethal Bizzle, Tommy Robinson – and Darren Day and his wife, who got dressed up to the nines for the afternoon kids disco.

>> Quarantunes <<

A TFI Friday Britpop one

It can be hard to mark out the difference between the weekdays and weekends in lockdown. So with this audio round we’ve tried to recreate the spirit of an old 90s weekend, with ten Britpop songs that basically sum up the sound of TFI Friday.
A point for the artist, a point for the song.
[Play it here]

POPBITCH POPQUIZZES: This week’s downloadable Popbitch Popquiz contains a celebrity whopper wordsearch, Where’s Nick Cave?, Morrissey v Hyacinth and some other topical pop culture trivia and music rounds. £5 gets you all the materials you need to play at home.

[All sorts of Popquiz goodies here]

>> Hmmms <<

A few afternoon distractions

Fire breathing alpacas

[See on YouTube]
Some expert tips on how to turn household items into sex toys

[Read on NYPost]
As you can’t visit the pub toilets, this blog brings the pub toilets to you

[Pub Toilets]

THANKS TO: GeeGee, CF, DJ, FOF, afraid_of_mice, POB, MM, NK, springheel_jacqui, HS, NT, AJ

Old Jokes Home

A friend of mine injected disinfectant to cure his Covid-19. Haven’t heard any complaints out of him.

Fancy Another?