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The Daily Tonic: Return To The Throne

 

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A quick dose of gossip, smut and silliness Subscribe
* Eight Paris Hiltons!
* Watching words with Preston!
* PLUS: Another audio round…
>> The gift of song <<
X marks the jackpot
 

Yesterday’s mention of Danyl Johnson jogged an old memory from one of you. Back when he was fairly fresh from being a finalist on X Factor, a local charity in Didcot booked him to headline a variety show they’d organised in the local arts centre.

The show was sold out and everyone working on it was happy to give their time for free in order to raise money for a good cause. Except Danyl – who charged the very charitable rate of £3,500 for four songs.

Meaning the event broke even.

Kate Winslet was also a regular visitor to the Waitrose branch that Danyl took bodyguards to. Kate would go without back-up and spent most of her time near the snack aisles.
>> Load of old shit <<
Return to the throne
 

Sounds like Katie Price isn’t the only keen Royal bog inspector. From the stories we’ve heard in the last 24 hours, it seems that the Queen barely has time to wipe before one of her loyal subjects is in there scouring the bowl for remnants.

Naturally, we can’t vouch for the authenticity of any of these artefacts. Even if the stories are true, there’s every chance these flush-chasers have ended up picking up some imposter’s excreta. Still, for the sake of whatever kind of record we’re keeping here:

– Someone who once worked at the West Yorkshire Playhouse claims to have salvaged a short curly hair from the toilet that Liz used during a visit many years ago, keeping it in a matchbox and showing it to a reader at a party.

– There’s a story from the RAF about the Queen’s reserved loo in her 32nd Squadron jet. It’s said that ground crew once pumped the cistern with liquid oxygen instead of the usual disinfectant. The outcome: a perfectly preserved frozen Royal turd that went on display in the crew room.

– A reader’s father, once aboard the Royal Yacht Britannia as a guest of the former Sultan of Oman, says he ended up drinking with the crew late that night and was told that they kept one of the Queen’s poos in a jar on the back bar.

FM writes: “Loick Essien was booked to do a gig for us once and asked for all sorts of stuff. We obliged. We’d also invited Wiley to take part but he was busy. Loick turned up with a mate that day. Wiley, who ate most of the rider.”
>> Summer holidays <<
Question of the day
 

Thank you for all your stories of strange celebrity rider requests. We’ll be sharing more of them tomorrow and Friday. Today though, because it doesn’t look like we’re going to be getting to jet away on holiday any time soon, we want to hear about your weird celebrity vacation sightings.

Have you spotted a celeb somewhere unusual on holiday? Shared an archery lesson at Center Parcs with an unexpected star? Had your sun lounger nabbed by some C-list chancer?

Whatever your story of celebs on holiday, send it to hello@popbitch.com – and we’ll send out digital goody bags to our favourites.

The Wurzels’ rider is as you’d expect (mainly ale/cider) but they also ask for a “large selection of sandwiches to include cheese & onion, ham & tomato, corned beef and any other interesting fillings”. With “other” underlined.
>> Ordinary request <<
Preston gets upset
 

JM writes:
“A few years ago I was managing a small music venue up north when we had the dubious pleasure of hosting The Ordinary Boys. The rider was all rather ordinary until we reached the final page stating in all caps:

ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IS TO MENTION OR ALLUDE TO CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER/NEVER MIND THE BUZZCOCKS OR ANY RELATED EVENTS. PRESTON GETS UPSET.

“The urge to do his stage calls in the style of Davina McCall hosting an eviction was palpable.”

Jazz trio The Bad Plus are very particular about their salsa requirements. Their manager insists on the right to demand replacement salsa if they deem the salsa supplied is too hot or too bland.
>> Hilton franchise <<
We’ll always have Paris
 

R writes:
“When Paris Hilton came on C4’s youth zone T4 back in the day, she demanded seven life-size cardboard cut-outs of herself be festooned in her dressing room. I seem to remember the publicist sent us the details of where to get these cut-outs, which we did. The problem was the size of the dressing room. We managed it somehow and still to this day have no idea why she wanted them.

“She also took a total of 14 (yes, I counted) takes to say the sentence ‘Hi, I’m Paris Hilton, catch me on T4 this weekend.'”

purplelizzie writes: “Not stars by any stretch of the imagination, but when I was at college we had a Blues Brothers tribute band play. The bit which still makes me smile was that they asked for chilled sunglasses.”
>> Quarantunes <<
Round 35: ready to go
 

Here’s today’s audio round. You’ll be sure to let us know when these rounds start getting completely unhinged, won’t you…?

[Ten songs, twenty points]

If you’re wanting a slightly more substantial quiz fix, we’ve put together a range of Popbitch Popquiz options. Full length quizzes! A puzzlebook! All sorts of bundles! And there’ll be more to come soon.
[Take a look here]
>> Hmmms <<
A couple of quick things
 

Star Wars Zoom backgrounds so you can pretend you’re calling from the Millennium Falcon
[See here]

A blog dedicated to the chairs of Blake’s 7
[Read here]

Fantastic obituary of “an amorous, bibulous, pharmaceutically inclined man about town”
[RIP Peter Beard]

Just a reminder to anyone new: tomorrow’s Popbitch goes out to our wider weekly list – so if you’ve only signed up for dailies, you’ll need to sign up to our main list
[It’s free too…]

Thanks to: LR, KB, FM, purplelizzie, MR, JM, RC, AMF, CM, NA, aristocat, NS, SW
Old Jokes Home
What did Jay-Z call his wife before he married her?
Feyoncé

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