The Daily Tonic: The Dirty Dozen

A journalist who was once called upon to interview Joan Collins remembers that Joan insisted it be held in a suite at Claridge’s, with all the usual demands (fresh flowers for her, money to pay for her regular make-up guy, etc). It was all money well spent as far as the publication was concerned, as she gave them a great interview before she grew tired and said her farewells.

It also left the journalist with a few hours alone in a fancy suite at Claridge’s once she’d gone. Never one to miss an opportunity, they decided to raid the bathroom of its toiletries – only to find that Joan had got there first and rinsed the place, leaving nothing. Not even a shower cap.

Before we crack on with today’s main attraction, we wanted to put out a quick call for the Question Of The Day so that it isn’t lost amid all the filth. After all the depraved stuff we’ve received in the last 24 hours, we’re in need of a nice palate cleanser. So…

Today’s Question: What’s the nicest favour a celeb has ever done for you?

Send your stories of celebrity good samaritans to hello@popbitch.com – and we’ll furnish you with a digital goody bag if you send us one of our favourites.

As some of the nation’s best-paid lawyers have taken great relish in telling us over the years, there is absolutely no legal defence in publishing highly defamatory rumours under the pretence of “keeping an accurate historical record of various showbiz shaggy dog stories” – so there’s no way in hell we’re going to be able to repeat some of the stuff you sent us yesterday verbatim.

Instead, what we’re going to do is strip some famous urban legends of their names, jumble them all up and then leave it to you to put the stories back together.

Careful not to defame anyone now…

1/ Was overheard screaming “Fuck me ’til I fart, you fucker!” during a shagging session in their dressing room

2/ Curled out a juicy turd onto a glass coffee table as their partner gazed up from underneath

3/ Has a hair fetish and gains pleasure from rubbing off on the hairdos of their hook-ups

4/ Is actually Banksy

5/ Had ribs removed to make dresses fit better

6/ Had ribs removed to be able to nosh themselves off

7/ Used to have roadies blow cocaine up their arse with a straw because their nose was so ravaged from years of overindulging

8/ Would engage in very frantic, fully undressed wanks in their trailer between calls on set

9/ Once copped off with their own lookalike

10/ Was admitted to hospital to have seven pints of semen pumped from their stomach (inc. some consistent with dog DNA)

11/ Likes to overstuff their dates with so much food and booze that they puke on the job, which they then use as an extra-special lubricant

12/ Was involved in a candid camera stunt that went horribly wrong when the teenage fan they were supposed to be surprising got undressed, whistled for the family dog, and had the poor mutt lick peanut butter off her fanny

a/ Marilyn Manson

b/ Stevie Nicks

c/ Sue Lawley

d/ Jimmy from The KLF

e/ Dean Gaffney

f/ Una Stubbs

g/ Jon from S Club

h/ Carol Smillie

i/ Paula Yates

j/ Ricky Martin

k/ Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall

l [REDACTED] – because he still gets so mad about this rumour, it’s possible that he’ll set his lawyers on us for even alluding to it anonymously

If that filthy little quiz was a bit much for you, here’s some slightly nicer trivia. Ten songs all mixed together, you get a point for the artist and a point for the song name – twenty points in total.

[Play it here]

If you’re in the mood for more mucky urban legends, we wrote about the origins of Richard Gere, Debbie McGee and David Cameron’s animal ones a few years ago
[Read on Popbitch]

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