The Daily Tonic: The Gift That Keeps Giving

We have to hand it to Trump. News that coronavirus relief cheques may be delayed by several days after the US Treasury demanded his name be printed on each of them is an absolutely classic showbiz grift.

In 2009, Oasis pulled a variation of this trick when Noel promised disgruntled fans a refund after a bad gig at Heaton Park. The bill would easily have run to seven figures had he not issued specially printed “Bank Of Burnage” cheques, signed by both Gallagher brothers. In the end, many fans didn’t bother cashing theirs in as they preferred to keep it as memorabilia instead.

The undisputed master of this swindle was Michael Jackson. When he was alive, he refunded ticket holders for a concert he cancelled in New York with personally signed cheques. Fewer than one in ten fans cashed it.

And when he died? Promoters of his O2 residency simply rebranded the standard issue tickets as “memorial edition tickets, designed by Michael” and generously offered to send them to distraught fans as a keepsake – in lieu of a refund.

Paul Danan’s dating disasters have been all over the tabloids today after he spilled his guts on his podcast The Morning After. Long-time Popbitch readers will have already heard most of them (the date that he had with Melanie Sykes where he had to get picked up by his mum; his attempts to gatecrash the Charlie’s Angels premiere to propose to Cameron Diaz, etc)

The only one we haven’t seen repeated today was the one where he was at a record label party the week of Billie Piper’s first number one.

Paul was so keen to get some alone time with the woman of the hour that Billie had to resort to grabbing a stranger, clutching on to him for dear life and pleading “PLEASE SAVE ME! TELL HIM YOU’RE WITH ME!”

We can’t remember whether this story came in after we asked for the best bit of advice a celebrity ever gave you, a chat-up line that a celebrity used on you, or which legendary caners you had seen in action – but it somehow manages to hit all three…

SR writes:
“In 2013, I unexpectedly found myself on a night out in Cork with the late infamous drug-smuggler-turned-folk-hero, Howard Marks. As a few of us were ambling from one pub to another at 1am, I asked Howard how he managed to keep up the pace at his age (he was about 67 at the time).

“He replied in his rich Welsh timbre, ‘Well, you get used to it… although a bit of coke helps too.’

“Soon after that, in the next pub, poor Howard tried to make a pass at me by enquiring as to whether he had any “red stuff” on his lips, and motioning for me to look closely.”

Further to yesterday’s story, it seems that Roland Gift is a dab hand at avoiding detection, so you’ve all done very well to spot him out and about so often.

Someone who was stood next to him at the bar in the Hackney Empire a few years ago watched how he handled a bartender who half-recognised him.

“Oooh, I know you,” she said. “Ro, Row, Ron….”
“It’s Ronald”
“Of course it is! Ronald… Ronald…?”
“Grift”
“Yes! Ronald Grift! Lovely to meet you!”

Celebrities have all sorts of aliases for all sorts of reasons. Stage names to make them sound more glamorous. Check-in names to stay private in hotels. Fake names to be called out in Starbucks. Pen-names for embarrassing-but-lucrative work.

Today’s Question: What fake name have you heard a celebrity using – and in what context?

Those who reveal the best celebrity identities will get a Popbitch goody bag. Email us: hello@popbitch.com

Here’s another two minute mix for you, featuring ten song fragments all precariously stitched together. All you have to do is name the song and the artist for a grand total of twenty points.

[Off you go!]

FYI: If you missed yesterday’s answers, you can check them here

You saw goats in Llandudno, but did you see zebras in Paris?
[Nature is returning!]

Burt Reynolds as Bond
[Watch on YouTube]

Make sand drawings in your browser
[Play This Is Sand]