The Daily Tonic: Three Weeks Of Licking

Pop’s big sweethearts, Calvin Harris and Rita Ora, broke up in 2014. There was a lot of speculation and cryptic tweeting as to what might have caused the split, but it was actually pretty straightforward.

Calvin and Rita were hanging out together in LA, when Rita announced that she had to go back to London for some urgent work. She packed a bag and left for the airport – only she never actually made it there. Instead, she made her way across town to a fancy hotel, where she took a room with someone else for a few days before returning to Calvin’s house.

A fairly standard bit of deception that she might have got away with – had she not used Calvin’s driver to drop her off and pick her up from the hotel…

Sharon Osbourne announced in 2014 that she was done with The X Factor and was heard telling friends in private that Simon Cowell would have to “lick [her] out for three weeks” before she’d ever consider doing another stint on it.

Simon’s a notoriously busy man, but he presumably managed to block the time out somewhere in his schedule as who should make a grand return for the 2016 series? Why, none other than… Sharon Osbourne!

Ever wonder where Vic Reeves gets his mad, fanciful ideas from? In the first episode of his 2014 sitcom, House Of Fools, Vic made a joke about Matt Berry shitting in a kettle. It reminded us of this Big Question from a very early issue of Popbitch (#91): “Which ex-lawyer comedian once disgraced himself in a hotel room by defecating in a kettle?”

Obviously we would never dream of accusing Vic Reeves of nicking our material. Quite the contrary, in fact. We imagine he probably got the idea for that one direct from the source…

Bob Mortimer.

Of all the outlandish industry rumours we’ve heard, the one that holds the dearest place in our heart is Chim: the rumour that Cheryl Tweedy and Kimberley Walsh of Girls Aloud have been in a highly secret lesbian relationship behind the scenes for nearly 20 years now.

For the most part, Chim Shipping has always been an affectionate bit of speculation between fans. But in 2014 – when Cheryl’s immaculately bearded lover, Jean Bernard Fernandez-Versini, entered the picture – there were some genuinely bizarre occurrences that really did leave us scratching our heads.

For example, the tabloids were filled with shots of Cheryl on her 31st birthday, using pictures she’d posted to Instagram of her romantic evening in a treehouse getaway at a fancy spa. Though she didn’t mention him by name, the implication was that JB had set it all up.

But what the papers seemingly failed to notice was that Kimberley also went on a little spa break that same weekend. To the same resort. At the exact same time. Tweeting pictures in which Cheryl’s romantic treehouse was clearly visible.

Is it any wonder fans were so confused?

[Read our 2014 story about Chim here]

“Disco needs to stop. I like disco, I liked it when it came out – like last year with Get Lucky – but now everyone seems to be doing it and it’s way too much” – Sam Smith

“What is the most distasteful thing you can do? Kill somebody. So good taste is the opposite of that.” – Kanye West

“I find people who are in the public eye for something who suddenly start voicing opinions about everything else quite irritating” – Steve Coogan

“I don’t think you understand the showbiz scene at all” – Rolf Harris

We’ve taken ten songs that were top ten hits in 2014, snipped a little bit out from each of them and strung them all together into one continuous mix.

All you have to do – for twenty utterly meaningless points – is name each track and each performing artist. An absolute cinch.

[Play it here]

2014 featured one of our favourite YouTube links of all time
[The ‘Kilroy’ intro supercut]

Browser game of the day: Sesame Street Fighter
[Play it here]

WAP: The Ben Shapiro Remix
[Listen on Soundcloud]