The Daily Tonic: Wacabidet

Today is the birthday of famed conspiracy theorist and 5G/Corona truther David Icke. We have no idea how the Lizard King will be celebrating tonight given the lockdown but if it’s anything like his 60th birthday he’ll be engaging his nearest and dearest in a little singalong.

We’ve always found it odd that a man who prides himself on having spotted that the world is run by a cadre of shape-shifting, blood-drinking, reptilian paedophiles would choose the song he did to ring in his 60th.

He had his friends all stand in a big circle to belt out Heal The World. By Michael Jackson.

It seems Jimmy Page has form when it comes to demanding discounts. One reader remembers vividly the time that Jimmy came into their record shop and spent ages trying to bargain with their colleague, boldly ignoring the very prominent ‘No Haggling’ sign directly above the counter.

After some time pleading to get a few quid off the ticket price, he eventually paid up by peeling a few notes off an absolutely huge wad of twenties he was carrying.

The item he so desired? A Led Zeppelin box set.

Celebrities are being forced to be frugal at the minute, with many furloughing staff from their sideline businesses. But we want to hear about the celebs with big, booming entourages. The people who are paid to give their dogs massages, on hand to peel their fruit, ready to take the rap in a drugs raid, etc…

Today’s Question: Which celebrity has the most outrageous/ostentatious entourage?

Tell us your favourite stories of strange showbiz hangers-on and we’ll give out goody bags to the best: hello@popbitch.com

maya writes:
“I once had dinner with Gary Lineker in a Japanese restaurant. It was one of those multi-course tasting menus where every tiny course comes out beautifully presented. One such course was set down in front of us: tiny slivers of fish mixed with bigger white shapes.

“Gary elegantly picked up one of the white pieces with his chopsticks and told me to copy him. We both started chewing rather reverentially on these hard white sticks.

“At which point the waiter came screeching over, warning the others round the table not to follow. He asked us why we weren’t eating the actual food but instead chomping on the layer of bones – which, in effect, was the plate on which the fish was served.”

SN writes:
“When I was a teenager, I worked for a cleaning firm in London and would sometimes be sent to clean a home that somebody had just moved into. It was difficult to keep the two Aussie lads I was working with focused on one job though as they kept getting distracted ogling the skimpy-shorts-wearing woman who was moving in.

“I asked her what she did for a living and she said she was on a Saturday morning TV show. I’d never seen it cos I didn’t get out of bed on a Saturday morning but she was very impressed that we got her cooker clean, as she thought she’d have to throw it out.

“It was the first flat Michaela Strachan had to herself, I believe.

“Then her mate Timmy Mallett called round and was gobsmacked by the fact that we’d got the toilet clean too. He said, “It was in such a state I didn’t think anyone would ever be able to put their bum near it.” He tipped us all a fiver each, which was a night out back in those days and is why I will never hear a bad word spoken about Timmy.”

There’s no real point in us writing too much about this. You know what it is. You know it’s ten songs all weirdly spliced together. You know you get a point for the artist. You know you get a point for the song title.

[So let’s just play it, shall we?]

Let an AI make your memes for you
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