The Epstein Special

“I was not a fan of his, that I can tell you” – Donald Trump, 2019

With Westminster and Washington in recess, the entire TV industry up in Edinburgh and everyone else away from their desks, we had planned to take a week off and enjoy a little summer holiday as we assumed things were going to be on the quiet side this week.

So thanks a fucking bunch, Jeffrey Epstein, you prick.

We couldn’t very well ignore this monumental story, so to mark the occasion we’ve done two things.

1/ If you’re interested in some genuine Popbitch reporting on Jeffrey Epstein and his ties to power in pop culture, we’ve started another of our four-part series: one that was sparked by us remembering a curious investment that Epstein made back in the mid-2000s.

2/ If you’re more interested in obviously nonsense speculation as a cheap excuse to revisit some of our favourite grotty Popbitch stories of years gone by, well, we’ve gone and done a bit of that for you too…

Two years ago, we wrote a four-part series on the history of the National Enquirer and its parent company: American Media, Inc. Since then, both the Enquirer and AMI have been up to their necks in it. Hush money scams, blackmail attempts, immunity deals with the FBI – it’s been quite the rollercoaster.

This week, with news of the death of Jeffrey Epstein, we thought it might be time to look at another wing of American Media Inc’s empire. This time, at one of their online-only properties: RadarOnline.

Oddly enough, Epstein was one of Radar’s earliest investors back in the mid-2000s, before AMI bought it up. But he wasn’t the first. Nor was he the only one with ulterior motives for keeping his hand in with the media. Before him was… Harvey Weinstein.

We’re going to try to trace the whole story in four parts – from 9/11, all the way to Jeff Bezos’s dick and balls.

Join us, won’t you?

[INTRODUCTION: Back On The Radar]

[PART ONE: Talk Of The Town]

Obviously we all like to laugh and joke about the Royals’ form when it comes to getting involved in suspicious deaths (what is it about August that inspires them so?) – but could Prince Andrew really have been behind this? While it’s true he likes to hobnob with the American glitterati, from the sounds of it he’s pretty out of touch with the youth.

HRH was a guest at a party at Cameron Diaz’s house a few years ago, and one poor soul who ended up talking to him for a spell says that Handsy Andy spent the entire evening complaining about how the UK press liked to build people up, only to knock them back down again.

Not only had it happened to him, he said, but also to his favourite band “The Radioheads”.

The conspiracy theory favoured by the wingnut right is that Epstein’s death is the work of the Clintons. Bill, we know, was a frequent flyer aboard Epstein’s private plane (the infamous ‘Lolita Express’) but could he really have had him offed? It’s not as if Clinton doesn’t know people… Kenny G, for example.

Back at Clinton’s first inauguration, sax god Kenny G was one of the musicians invited to perform. During some downtime between events, the Secret Service guys charged with looking after Kenny asked him if he wanted to visit the FBI building with them to “shoot some guns”.

Kenny enthusiastically accepted and remembers the highlight of the trip was getting to shoot a 1930s Tommy Gun, complete with a 50-round drum magazine – a.k.a. the classic mobster weapon of choice.

The flight logs for the Lolita Express also show that Kevin Spacey had been aboard Epstein’s jet three times in September 2002 – but it seems unlikely that Spacey would have ordered a hit. All of his dirty laundry is already public knowledge.

For example, everyone already knows Spacey used to have the nickname “Handball” because he liked to get young stagehands to cradle his balls while he wanked himself off.

So if it was Spacey, he was years too late to spare himself any blushes.

Jeffrey Epstein’s address book (known to his inner circle as ‘The Holy Grail’) contained the contact details of many British 90/00s It Girls – including Tamara Beckwith and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

Though they were probably a little too mature to arouse Epstein’s interests, Tara and Tamara certainly were a fun pair to party with. One thing the two of them used to like doing for a laugh when out for dinner together was to slip their tops off when their dessert was served.

Cameraphones were still years off at this point, so they could safely enjoy the remainder of their meal with their boobs out, all the while pretending not to notice the commotion they were causing among fellow diners and staff.

In among all the 90s British celebs in Epstein’s black book, we noted with some alarm that there was a “Chris Evans” scribbled down in there – listed with a London number.

Could it be that the ginger one is somehow wrapped up in this appalling business? It seems unlikely to us. He was hardly one to keep his sex life secret – especially not in the 90s.

When he was dating Anna Friel briefly back in those days, Chris liked to have sex with his bedroom door open. One day he was going at it with Anna and noticed one of his house guests walking past.

“Put the kettle on will you,” Chris called out, mid-stroke. “We’ll be done in a minute.”

Almost a year ago to the day, Jeffrey Epstein told a New York Times reporter that he’d been doing some casual advisory work for Elon Musk and Tesla – much to the annoyance of Elon Musk, who had a spokesperson insist that there was absolutely no truth to the claim whatsoever.

Could Musk have been angry enough about this incident to give the order to have Epstein taken out? Probably not, but then Elon has never been the most precise communicator.

When he and Talulah Riley split up, he had difficulty explaining to people that the two of them had fallen out. So Musk simply started telling people that she was dead. Including his kids.

After Cisterns Of Mercy and Iron Maidens, this week’s musical tradesperson is… Tiler Swift!
[Based in Poole, if you’re keen]

The summer’s hot new drink: vodka from the exclusion zone in Chernobyl
[Check to Atomik]

QI wades in on Baboon v Badger
[See on Twitter]

The live-action Lion King has been fixed by deepfakes
[Watch on Hedonistica]

Headline of the week: Kenyan Fart edition
[Read on BBC World]

Gay penguins adopt an egg in Berlin
[Read on NYT]

Still Bored?
We didn’t have any advertisers booked in for this week because we were going to be away, so if you want to chuck a few quid in to our summer fundraising drive, this’ll be the last time we mention it. £10 entitles you to a copy of a Popbitch ebook. £25 will get you a space on our Donors’ Board.
[Find out more/donate here]