The Hugh-Bend

It’s I’m A Celebrity season again and loads of the UK’s showbiz journos and snappers have taken the opportunity to decamp to the Versace Hotel on Australia’s Gold Coast to see if they can catch a glimpse of the contestants before they head into the jungle.

One of the more lucrative spots so far has been a set of photos of Caitlyn Jenner hanging out of her hotel window smoking a fag. We hope Cait managed to get in on that deal, because – unfortunately for her – there’s a mandatory $3,000 fine for anyone caught tabbing on the sly.

The hotel is liable to be fined for it as well, so it looks like Cait might be getting a headstart on eating some deliberately unappetising dinners.

Sometimes being an unrecognisable superstar is great. Like earlier this year, when Swedish superproducer Max Martin was able to get on with eating his dinner uninterrupted while people kept coming up to his table to take pictures and talk with Max’s dining companion, ex-footballer Luis Figo – completely unaware that one of the biggest names in pop music was sitting opposite.

Other times, it’s less great. Like earlier this year, when Max Martin had a run of his musical ‘& Juliet’ at the Opera House Manchester, and staff at the venue failed to recognise him. It was thought the scruffy bearded man who hung around aimlessly in the foyer at showtime was a homeless guy who had come in for the warmth.

Which primetime family favourite has a very strict policy when it comes to doing non-televised charity work? Their motto is: “If I do it for one sick kid, I’m gonna have to do it for all of them.”

Last week we told you that Hugh Grant likes to scoop his entire cock and balls out when he goes for a piss, cradling the whole lot in his cupped hand like a guinea pig. Turns out he isn’t the only one who does it. Hell, he isn’t even the only Hugh.

Hugh Laurie was spotted employing the self-same pissing technique in the toilets during the interval at War Horse a while back. This particular grip is supposedly very popular with men of a certain age as it helps them manually drain their pipes of the final few squirts. Digging the fingertips in at the back of the scrotum at the end squeezes the last little dribble out of the bladder’s natural U-bend and prevents any unsightly leakage later on.

FYI: Dara O’Briain is supposedly a vocal advocate of it too.

We were very surprised to see Nadine Coyle agree to go into the jungle. We knew she always jumped at any opportunity to travel; we just didn’t think the whole camping-in-the-wild thing would be her scene.

A few years ago, Nadine was taken on a Christmas charity trip to Lapland alongside a group of children with various illnesses – but she seemed a little reluctant to roll up her sleeves and do much when she was there. As well as not joining in any of the singing (carols aren’t really “her thing” apparently) Nadine was also very reluctant to have her picture taken as she hadn’t had hair and make-up – and they hadn’t invited a stylist along.

It’s now been more than a hundred years since the end of World War I and there’s creeping concern from certain quarters that not enough is being done in this modern era to pay tribute to the sacrifice of generations past – especially in a fast-paced, cutthroat city like London.

So well done to the instructor at a nearby branch of Gymbox, who managed to enforce a little bit of solemn reflection among the media types in their mid-morning class on Monday.

They had them do a silent two-minute plank at 11am in order to pay respect to the fallen.

After hitting the headlines these last few years for attempting to blackmail Jeff Bezos over some dick pics, cutting an immunity deal with federal investigators over Donald Trump stories, and assisting Harvey Weinstein in placing Rose McGowan under surveillance, you’d think American Media exec Dylan Howard would have nothing left in the scandal tank.

Au contraire. He’s just been fingered by The Daily Beast for attempting to pay $1m to R Kelly for a TV documentary series.

And yet he still seems to be allowed to pulls strings at AMI. Why, just this week the company decided to replace Us Weekly’s now-former editor-in-chief with Howard’s longtime sidekick, James Robertson.

Robertson and Howard are so close they share a dog together: a white Pomeranian called Smoky. But this job represents a big promotion for James. Especially as his reputation as a journalist around AMI is such that his nickname among colleagues is simply “The Dog Walker”.

Poor old Mothercare. If only they’d managed to keep the administrators at bay for a couple more weeks, they might have had a little winter windfall.

A chunk of the money that was made by the founder of Mothercare, Selim Zilkha, ended up being poured into Ze Records: the indie/disco label started by his son, Michael. Ze had a number of well-known and influential signings – but one of the most enduringly successful songs released on the label is one that’s about to be played in every other remaining high street shop for the next six weeks.

Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses.

Yesterday was the Eurovision Equinox*: the day in the Europop calendar that marks the midway point between the last competition and the next one. The EBU noted the occasion by making an official announcement about the 41 countries competing in 2020 and reminding us of this year’s slightly risqué slogan.

Currently Sweden holds the title for sneakiest bit of innuendo with 2016’s “Come Together!” (Any pretence of innocence about it was shattered when host Petra Mede shouted to the cameras on the live television broadcast “Grab your towels! It’s time to come together!”)

So we’re looking forward to seeing what the Dutch manage to do with the slogan they’ve picked for this year… “Open Up!”

The Sunday Mirror in Ireland entered itself for the “Scoop Of The Year” gong at tonight’s NewsBrands Ireland Journalism Awards. They put forward their front page story from a few months back about Conor McGregor supposedly having conceived a love child during a famously drunken trip to Aintree races in 2017.

The story was huge and duly made the category’s shortlist. We wouldn’t recommend you stick the boiler money on it winning though. Last week a paternity test confirmed that the kid isn’t his. So this week their Scoop Of The Year nomination was quietly withdrawn.

The narwhal puppy is the cutest thing you’ll see this month
[LOOK AT IT!]

Roxanne, speeded up 10% every time Sting sings “Roxanne”
[Listen on YouTube]

Never Gonna Give You Up where every note is C
[Rickrolling gets spooky]

Rustlers – the microwave burger people – have made a 72-minute, German language arthouse movie to celebrate the 150th anniversary of the hamburger
[Free to watch on Amazon Prime, apparently]

Rod Stewart’s model railway is very impressive
[“Railing… I am railing…”]

Fingers crossed this Dutch doctor isn’t ever called upon to give evidence…
[I.C. Notting]

Morrissey’s Irish folk album?
[Hear on Facebook]

“Label boss, Lucian Grainge, threw the cassette on the table and said: ‘It’s shit'”
[Lighthouse Family on making Lifted]

Still Bored?
Interesting animated infographic about the biggest selling pop artists, year on year
[Watch on YouTube]