The Immaculate Collection

“I was a buffoon and an idiot until the age of 40” – Madonna

It’s been a bruising decade for pop royalty. First Michael Jackson, the King Of Pop, died. Then we lost Prince. The only one left standing? Her Madgesty, the Queen.

Today is Madonna’s 60th birthday and, as Popbitch’s most high-profile messageboard contributor, we felt we owed it to her to mark the occasion in the time-honoured fashion: dishing all the dirt we’ve heard on her over the years in one handy special issue.

Happy birthday, Madge. Here’s to many more.

There is hardly an act working in pop today who hasn’t taken Madonna as an influence, but few are keen to admit just how much they’ve pinched from her. It hasn’t escaped Madonna’s notice though.

When she first played her ABBA-sampling single Hung Up to a friend, they noted that it sounded “quite Gwen Stefani”. Madonna’s reply? “That cunt’s been stealing from me for the last ten years, so I thought it was about time I paid her back.”

And that’s not a patch on the shade she threw at Lady Gaga when Born This Way came out…

[See Madonna’s response]

Lenny Kravitz and Madonna were rumoured to be something of an item in the early 1990s – but was she really one of the dozens of dancers in the “Are You Gonna Go My Way” video?

[Decide for yourself]

Like any truly great shagger, Madonna has had some absolute shockers in her time (not only did she get fingered by Vanilla Ice for her Sex book, apparently Wesley Snipes left her hotel bedsheets looking like Willy Wonka’s lab coat when she boffed him at Cannes one year) – but the worst of the bunch?

Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray, who somehow managed to parlay his band’s one hit into a couple of dates with Madonna.

On stage at a gig during this time, McGrath held up his middle finger to the crowd (in true nu-metal style) shouting “Anyone want to smell Madonna?”

You’d think Madonna wouldn’t need much in the way of a chat-up technique. However, before she found Guy Ritchie and was fishing around for a British boyfriend, she did have a favoured pick-up routine. It started with her saying:

“Hello, I’m Madonna. What’s your name?”

Then, upon hearing it, she’d say “A beautiful name… for a beautiful boy.”

C writes:
“Some years ago I had a summer job working admissions at Longleat Safari Park. One day, this massive 4×4 pulls up and asks for two adult tickets. It’s Madonna and Guy Ritchie.

“As starstruck me takes their money, the car slowly rolls past and I see two kids emerge from under a blanket on the back seat. I can only assume they didn’t want the quite generously discounted family ticket.”

Shortly before he really hit the big time, Benedict Cumberbatch was briefly lined up to play King Edward in Madonna’s movie, W.E.

He was summoned to visit her London house one afternoon, whereupon he was given a little taste of her distinctive directing style. As she struggled to work her video camera, Madonna made him walk around her living room reciting dialogue, while shrieking “How would he drink his TEA?” at him.

“I’ll go broke before I drink bad wine” – Madonna

“Dance music is in my molecular structure” – Madonna

“You can’t be a fan of mine and not want peace in the world” – Madonna

“Just because we speak the same language doesn’t mean we speak the same language” – Madonna

“I keep telling Amy Schumer and Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock that I’m going to do stand-up and they’d better watch out” – Madonna

The marriage of Madonna and Guy Ritchie was always going to be doomed from the start.

He hated her music (his refusal to join her on tour was supposedly what clinched the divorce, and he would always get drunk and take the piss out of her dance moves whenever he did go to watch her live); she hated his friends (her nickname for Vinnie Jones and his wife was “Oaf and Oafette”).

The film they made together was so bad, it was a professional low point for the pair of them – even worse than the rap in American Life; even worse than the rest of Guy Ritchie’s films.

She did, however, have one good thing to say about him. She told friends that “he rocks my box”.

Arguably the greatest influence Madonna ever had was on Greg Gostanian: a 325-pound Madonna fan and impersonator who spent years squeezing into cone-shaped bras to perform as “Queerdonna”.

Sadly, Greg died in New York in 2000 – but, as per his last wishes, was buried with a shirt that Madonna had autographed with the phrase: “Keep telling people you slept with me.”

ccbaxter writes:
“A friend of mine worked on a film with Madonna and described her as the second worst human being she’d ever worked with. The worst being Uma Thurman, who was apparently so vile that even her own agency referred to her as The Cunt. (‘The Cunt’s on line two’ etc.)”

Everywhere is going to have their Madonna playlists for you today, and it’s not like The Immaculate Collection doesn’t already exist – so if you want a little twist on some Madonna classics, here are how her songs sound around the world.

Bollywood Madonna
[Hear on YouTube]

K-Pop Madonna
[Hear on YouTube]

Italo-groove Madonna
[Hear on YouTube]

Dutch-rap Madonna
[Hear on YouTube]

Shakira singing Material Girl
[Hear on YouTube]