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The Reverse Yoghurt

 

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* Tim Westwood’s clean-up operation
* Smut-surfing in the Commons
* PLUS: More celebrity urinals
>> Oligart II <<
“Evgeny’s Putin it in now”
 

Further to last week’s story on the office decor of Lord Evgeny Lebedev, we’ve been given an insight into some of the other objets d’art that litter his Hampton Court pile (the aptly named Stud House).

His dining room table is festooned with candelabras designed by Theo Fennell, depicting characters indulging in various acts of sensual erotica. Among the many pieces of modern art sits a sculpture of what appears to be a pile of naked bodies engaged in some intimate entanglement.

But the most interesting artefacts? The collection of butt plugs with Vladimir Putin’s face on them.

Theranos lab coats are currently going for $7K on eBay.
>> The reverse yoghurt <<
Martine rings the changes
 

JS writes:
“In addition to major stars confusing their fans by claiming they are filming yoghurt commercials, I have encountered the opposite. Some years ago, I lived in Wimbledon and on my way home one evening, I was asked to briefly wait whilst a film crew completed a take outside Wimbledon Theatre for ‘a new drama starring Martine McCutcheon.’

“A couple of months later an advert appeared with Martine proclaiming the health benefits of Activia yoghurt.”

Making use of those discreet seat-filling services to get people into his show in Leeds tonight… ex-Kasabian frontman, Tom Meighan!
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

Is Sharon Osbourne about to steal Andrew Neil’s crown for Shortest On-Air Stint? He managed eight shows at GB News before taking a break that he promised to return from – but never did. There’s well-placed whispers suggesting that Sharon might be taking a similar route out after just three.

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[Shop warm weather bedding at Rise & Fall]
>> Set times <<
Keeping superstar hours
 

Millie Bobby Brown has been causing a fair few headaches on her recent filming job, thanks to her habit of turning up at least an hour late every day.

This inevitably shunts the whole day’s schedule out, pushing everyone into overtime come the evening. And the person most vocal about then having to stay late? Millie Bobby Brown – who kicks off, complaining that it “isn’t fair on the crew”.

Tina Brown’s new Royal biography claims Prince William’s nickname as a child was ‘Wombat’ (a creature unique in the animal kingdom for producing cubed poo).
>> Westwood, ho! <<
Cleaning up after himself
 

Back in 2007, we pointed you towards some footage from Tim Westwood’s set at Bestival where Westwood was doing his usual cringe schtick, asking the women in the crowd “How many ladies in this party have a cleeeeeeeeean pussy?” – before shouting into the mic “IF YOUR PUSSY DON’T STINK, MAKE SOME NOISE!”

This slice of classic Westwood patter stayed up on YouTube quite happily for 13 years – right up until June 25th 2020: the day a copyright takedown notice was suddenly filed and the video pulled.

The timing was quite telling, as that was the very same week that “Timmy Savile” had been trending on Twitter, thanks to stories about his persistent sex-pestery being circulated online. But even more telling was the name of the person who’d filed the takedown notice.

The Big Dawg himself… Tim Westwood!

It isn’t just clean pussies Tim Westwood is interested in. While playing a Student Radio Awards event some years back, Westwood (late 50s) called out to the crowd (late teens / early 20s) “IF YOU GOT A TIGHT PUSSY, MAKE SOME NOISE!”
>> Capital offence <<
Some balance for the Beeb
 

The BBC always comes in for a lot of stick whenever one of its weird, tracksuit-wearing DJs is inevitably revealed to be a longstanding sexual menace. But it’s worth pointing out that the Beeb isn’t the only media corporation who hires these sorts of perverts.

One Popbitch reader remembers attending a Capital Radio Junior Disco back in the day where the DJs laying on the entertainment were Tim Westwood and Jonathan King.

JM writes: “I used to work at a music industry organsation. In order to join, musicians would have to supply a copy of a passport or driving license. Tim Westwood sent a copy of his passport where he had clearly (and tragically) doctored his birth year from 1957 to 1969 on the copy.”
>> Mind the gap <<
A brief history of Tim
 

The one surprising thing about Tim Westwood is just how long the boaksome old fucker has been around. How well do you know his place in the timeline of human history? Let’s put it to the test.

Q/ Is Tim Westwood older or younger than…
1/ …Milton Keynes?
2/ …the M1?
3/ …ciabatta bread?
4/ …NASA?
5/ …Post-It Notes?
6/ …BBC2?
7/ …the Victoria Line?
8/ …the 50-starred American flag?
9/ …Barbie?
10/…the 50p coin?

Answers at the bottom of the email.

Those who want a more expansive test of their pop culture knowledge: the April edition of our Play-At-Home Popbitch Popquiz is now available, featuring eight brand new rounds including Whose Fine Is It Anyway? Spot The DJ, Dananagrams and much, much more.
[Find all our 2022 quizzes here]
>> Commons as muck <<
The dishonorable members
 

When Damian Green’s laptop got seized in the last Tory porn scandal (2017) Parliament was keeping official tabs on the number of attempts made to access pornography on parliamentary computers. Sadly, these numbers no longer seem to be published as Parliament’s cyber-security team say it poses a ‘threat’.

The scale of the problem was pretty big even then though. One of the final months there’s official data for (Sept 2016) shows 32,164 attempts made in 30 days – roughly 1,070 a day. To put that in context, that’s someone trying to access porn once a minute, every minute, ~18 hours a day.

Even more unsettling, ministerial lust looks to be a two-way street. Cross-referencing PornHub’s end-of-year data for 2016 shows that two British politicians drove significant traffic on their list of celebrity searches that year: Theresa May (382,842 searches) and Boris Johnson (112,214).

FYI: We did some deeper analysis at the time if you don’t feel like sleeping tonight…

[Read Commons As Muck on Popbitch]

Piers Morgan’s viewing figures over TalkTV’s launch week – Mon: 397,000; Tue: 216,000; Wed: 123,000. If he continues to shed viewers at a steady rate, he’ll be sub-5,000 viewers by the end of next week.
>> Horsing around <<
RIP Zippy Chippy
 

The death of America’s most hopeless racehorse was announced this weekend, just a few days short of his 31st birthday. Zippy Chippy ran 100 races in total – and got absolutely nowhere in every single one of them.

His first race was back in 1994 and he ran with no success for over four years. Then, in a race on September 8th 1998, when every other horse broke from the starting gates, Zippy just stood quietly in his stall, watching them run. He was banned from the sport at that point.

A year later, his owner persuaded a much lower racing circuit to let him back in. Zippy’s success rate stayed at zero, but his popularity began to grow as people came out specially to watch him lose. In 2001, a race was arranged against a local baseball star, just so Zippy could get one win under his belt. Alas, he even lost that race. By more than three lengths.

Zippy Chippy was retired after his 100th race, in 2004, to a racehorse retirement home. Such was his local fame that the money raised from Zippy merch and visitors coming just to see him paid for another 22 horses’ retirement costs.

The Preakness (the second leg of the US Triple Crown race; after the Kentucky Derby) takes place next month. Aptly headlining the aftershow concert: Meghan Thee Stallion.
>> Toilet triplets <<
Debbie Gibson’s soggy carpet
 

Adrian Chiles and Ozzy Osbourne aren’t the only two celebs to have a urinal in their home. A reader who once ended up at Debbie Gibson’s pad in Sunset Hills was surprised to find a functional one hanging on the wall of the house’s main (carpeted) hallway.

When questioned about this bold design choice, Gibson said she’d bought the house from a “full-on leather queen” and, what with all the other fittings and furnishings she’d had to chuck out in the renovation, a urinal in the hallway was “the least of my worries”.

As for friends who threatened to use it, Debbie was nonchalant. Provided their aim was good and they were prepared to clean up any soaking on the carpet, they were welcome to try.

Seen a stranger celebrity toilet? hello@popbitch.com

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>> Hmmms <<
Sims, Tims, disco on ice
 

The curious afterlife of pop stars
[Read on the Guardian]

RIP Guy LaFleur: Canadian hockey player and unlikely disco star
[Powerplay = genuine banger]

Adam West’s 60s Batman in the 2022 movie
[Watch on YouTube]

Have Russian security services accidentally been buying copies of The Sims instead of SIM cards?
[Looks like it…]

Make your own Tim Westwood broadcasts while he’s off-air
[The Tim Westwood Soundboard]

Kate Middleton’s mum is trying to coin it in for the Jubilee weekend

[Personalised Jubilee cupcakes, anyone?]

Penguins inspecting a camera
[See on YouTube]

Why search sucks
[Read on Insider]

Tim Westwood’s dead Bishop dad has a beer named after him, Bishop’s Farewell, which uses a Maris Otter malt
[See it here]

American Song Contest: New Boot Goofin’ again
[Recap on Gawker]

Thanks to: KD, PC, SD, R, whatever_yeah?, SK, JM, AL, SW, JS, wienerbalcony, OK, NW, LB, GR
Old Jokes Home
I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids.
But when I got home they were still there.ANSWERS
Tim Westwood is older than every single thing on that list.

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