The Second Serve // The Cheeky Boys

Reviews of Simon Cowell’s latest reality show, Walk The Line, have not been kind. But before you assume Cowell will just put his name on any old format and flog it, we do know of at least one TV pitch he turned down.

Back when he was launching X Factor, Peter Stringfellow approached him suggesting that he put together Pole Star: “a cross between Pop Idol and lapdancing”.

Unsurprisingly, it was a no from Cowell.

Everyone had a good laugh when Brexit ultra Mark Francois was forced to self-publish his own political memoir after it was turned down by no fewer than 24 publishers (something he blames on the publishing industry being stuffed with “Remainers”).

We’re genuinely pleased that the book finally saw the light of day somehow though. How else would we have otherwise learned that Lembit Öpik once tried to set Mark Francois up with the other Cheeky Girl (Cheeky Girl 2, Monica) for a cheeky double date?

While the other four Spice Girls are busy tanking their legacy by filming unspeakably shit ads for mobile game app Coin Master, Victoria is curating her personal brand as tightly as ever: this weekend, dressing David up in a chunky Spiceworld Xmas jumper for Instagram.

It won’t come as a shock to learn that Victoria is still all over the self-publicity game. In the days of the band, she was always the one up to speed on the names of all the various tabloid showbiz hacks, where they were at any given time and who had written what about her. Now she’s a fashionista, she’s equally hot on which influencers follow her on Insta, and what they’re all posting.

She does occasionally call in help though. If something ever went wrong in a publicity drive, Victoria has never been shy about getting on the phone and giving the PR team a dressing down. But if things went really badly? She’d hand the phone over to her mum – and all hell would break loose.

With news that Priti Patel is supposedly exploring a run at the Tory leadership, the “Priti Patel was at school with Geri Halliwell” factoid will soon be doing the rounds again. Here’s your reminder that not only is it not true, Priti Patel actively refuses to do anything to help the school clear the matter up.

Watford Grammar School For Girls has complained to Priti’s office, asking her to correct the record so that the school’s secretary doesn’t have to spend their days fielding questions about Priti’s (non-existent) time there – but Priti won’t do anything about it, having told the school she is powerless to let the media know.

The school Priti actually attended is the one now called Westfield Technical Academy. Its other famous alumni? Naughty Boy and 3/4 of Rak-Su.

If Sajid Javid is hoping to make a pitch for Tory leader, then he’s going to have to work a little harder on his glad-handing skills if he wants to secure any meaningful support.

During the 2019 general election, Saj paid a visit to the seat of Norwich North to join MP Chloe Smith at the Whalebone pub for a talk to constituents about how the Tories would help support local business.

There, he very generously ordered a big round of drinks for everyone present.

And then left before paying.

As it’s getting close to Christmas, this week’s audio rounds are based around the Band Aid extended universe – with songs from the acts who lent their voices to the various records that Geldof has inflicted on us over the years.

This week’s themes:
Mon/ Band Aid
Tue/ Band Aid II
Wed/ Band Aid 20
Thu/ Band Aid 30
Fri/ We Are The World

You can play the most recent audio quiz [here]

Premier League bosses are hastily arranging meetings with their squads to try to up the vaccination rate as Covid outbreaks threaten the holiday fixture list.

One player they’re hoping others will take a steer from is Joshua Kimmich, the Bayern Munich star who spent the summer doggedly trying to publicly explain why he didn’t want to get a vaccination. He’s been out of action since the beginning of November after contracting Covid and did a big interview with TV station ZDF this weekend, where he explained he’d be off football until at least early 2022 due to related lung problems. (And is going to get the vaccine now.)

In a slightly less reported section of the interview, Kimmich explains just how toxic the situation had been for him and his family, as a number of journalists turned up at his grandfather’s funeral this Autumn just to pelt him with questions about his no-vax decision.

TG writes:
“Re, Thursday’s guess about Euan Blair [being the politician’s son who asked punters to delete pictures of him in a club] – I also thought it might be him.

“In the early noughties when I was at a fairly posh West London school, Euan used to knock about with some of the girls from our year, and one night he turned up at a party I was DJing at. Later in the evening one of his cronies came onto the stage to ask me to make an announcement that anyone who had taken a photo of his royal highness was to delete it immediately. To my eternal shame, rather than give the appropriate response (“Fuck the fuck off”), I did it.”

When mustelids attack…
[Otter carnage]

How to rent the Italian villas in Succession
[On Hollywood Reporter]

Elizabeth Holmes’ yearbook photos
[See on Gawker]

Can the government really seize your passport if you do drugs?
[A lawyer talks to VICE]