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“I’ve always had an eye for language. Or an ear. Whatever.” – Julian Fellowes
“I will pay good money not to watch newsreaders making twats of themselves” – Jeremy Paxman
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|_| |_| 07.11.13 ISSUE 664
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* Arguments with Huey!
* Dogs on a plane!
* Charts: Storm Queen is no 1
>> Hacked off <<
Everyone gangs up on Ross
Even though he’s long divorced from Rebekah and has nothing to do with the proceedings, poor Ross Kemp is watching his reputation take a kicking in court at the moment.
It’s bad enough to have it made public that your wife was cheating on you with a weasel like Andy Coulson for six years. Worse still to hear a bloke you met on holiday destroy your hard-man credentials by telling the jury how excited you get when you find Hermes toiletries in your hotel.
But to then hear Jonathan Laidlaw, Brooks’ QC, describe you thus: “Ross Kemp was very much the celebrity at that point. In 2002.”
Ouch.
Paul Gambaccini was supposed to be doing a voiceover for an ITV documentary next week, but he’s been edited out/recorded over already.
>> On your bike <<
Harry’s dirty little secret
Harry Connick Jnr played an event in New York recently and there was much commotion among the staff about a “secret delivery” he had scheduled for his dressing room. No-one on set was allowed to know anything about it so, obviously, speculation was rife. Was it drugs? A hooker? A drugged hooker?
Nope. It was an old-school 1980s exercise bike.
Geri’s comeback. 393 downloads sold. 281 in the Australian chart.
>> Pet shop ploys <<
Access All Areas for dogs
Want to take your dog into a restaurant, workplace, even with you on an aeroplane? Canny New Yorkers have found a rather neat solution. You just ask your shrink to write a note explaining that your pet is not only old pet, it’s an Emotional Support Pet – and therefore an essential tool for maintaining your mental health. Once you have the doctor’s orders, it can come with you wherever and whenever you want.
Anderson Cooper got all investigative at his gym. Smelling something burning, he sniffed out the source and alerted staff to it by shouting “Microwave on fire!”
>> Big Questions <<
A NOTW journo special
With the hacking trial already going great guns, we thought we’d bring out our favourite questions relating to other NOTW stars:
Which photographer used to get drunk in the Rose pub and then wander off into Wapping to try to pick up teenagers?
Which senior journo gave a job to a female journalist just because he wanted to shag her, and then fumed he couldn’t sack her when she got together with a colleague instead?
Which celeb reporter’s coke habit was so bad the paper paid for his rehab?
Which reporter used to drink so much she once crashed her car into the wall of an LA car park after an interview?
D_S writes: “I once had an argument with Huey from Fun Lovin Criminals about the difference between a ship and a boat. He took it far more seriously than I did.”
>> Freudian shit <<
The bleakest birthday party
Many journalists who have come up against the Freud PR empire over the years will have secretly wished some grave misfortune on head honcho Matthew Freud – but we’ve possibly gone a little far.
It was Freud’s 50th birthday last week. The people who turned up to his party: David Cameron, George Osborne, Tony and Cherie Blair – all getting down to an acoustic set by Bono and Bob Geldof.
Come on. You wouldn’t wish that birthday party on anyone. Not even Matthew Freud.
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For a different view of Bono & Geldof, try Jane Bussmann’s Soho Theatre show from Nov 18th. Special PB discount, 2.50GBP off all tickets, quote “BONOB”: http://www.bit.ly/1hT7V8i
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>> Hurry up Harry <<
Sausage flipper to TV?
Our Man writes:
“Heston Blumenthal is an Arsenal fan. At home games, he gets a snack from Fat Harry’s Frankfurters. Harry also has a van that does festivals called ‘Greek Expectations’.
“I am reliably informed that a Fat Harry TV reality show is on the cards.”
There hasn’t been an instrumental No 1 in any major music market in 21st Century. The last one? Mr Oizo, Flat Beat in UK, 1999.
>> Spy guy <<
Gay code at MI5
Before the Beeb started housing alleged sex offenders in the 70s they were housing Soviet spies. Guy Burgess enjoyed a stellar wartime and post-war career in the BBC, MI6 and MI5 before fleeing to Russia in 1951.
Burgess was also infamous for his gay flings. Which makes his MI5 handlers (including the recruiting sergeant, fellow spy Anthony Blunt) seem strangely prescient when you learn of the code-name they gave him:
Vauxhall.
Helen Flanagan is making friends in LA. She turned a photo shoot into a shopping trip on Rodeo Drive and moaned that her thong was wedged up her crack and hurting.
>> Cher’s style sheet <<
A new celeb use for silicone
Thanks to all the medics who wrote to us about Cher’s prosthetic face. We can now explain a little more:
* It’s less a mask, more a silicone sheet that is moulded to her face.
* This layer of latex would help smooth out lumps, bumps and wrinkles that any face-fiddling has caused.
* These silicone sheets are going to become more and more popular with celebrities – particularly as HD gets better/more unforgiving.
FYI: We’re told that the video for Strong Enough and recent X Factor performances are the best places to look out for it.
Mystic Morgan (Dec, 2012) @PiersMorgan: “What DOES Wenger see in Ramsey? A complete and utter liability.”
>> Popbits <<
Films, music, art
1. We loved Giles Borg’s film 1, 2, 3, 4 but this one sounds even better. Vote for The Search, and find out that computers can be nasty bastards too:
http://bit.ly/1eohPln
3. Loving the new stop sign outside Simon Cowell’s LA house:
http://www.plasticjesus.net/
Jeff Bezos’ wife gave a one star review on Amazon to The Everything Store, the new book on her husband’s company, Amazon.
>> Hmmms <<
Cocktails, cricket, coffins
Get ready for the Ashes with cricket’s best-named email newsletter:
http://www.sportsbadger.com/
Fancy a cocktail that tastes like kissing an older man who has just shaved and smoked a cigarette? Good news…
http://bit.ly/1aHiURL
Maybe you’d prefer a cocktail that tastes like a mouthful of spunk? No problem…
http://amzn.to/16lmAr2
Kickstarter of the week – a film about Ghana’s coolest coffin maker:
http://kck.st/17e5ttF
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Thanks to: BrumMedic, Liam, SS, YA, P, LMES, deepstoat, monstris, mountstnobody, RubberBandits for the joke, JR, SM,
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Old Jokes Home:
It doesn’t get more passive aggressive than your neighbour changing their WiFi name to “stop having loud parties”.
