Working Hard For Satan

Another year. Another 50-odd issues. Still no end in sight for the roaring disaster circus that is 21st century culture – but who better to wrap up a year this utterly fucking stupid than Popbitch?

If you want a more comprehensive, month-by-month review, then download our 2018 annual. (It’s entirely free, but we hope you might donate to the Popbitch Xmas appeal in return.)

Otherwise, we’ll be sending out a special RIPbitch memorial issue next week to honour those we have lost in 2018. Then we’ll see you all again in the New Year.

Have a good one,

pb x

With all the drink-driving, drug-snorting and other assorted illegality that the celebrity set indulges in, how are so many of them managing to avoid arrest?

One rather ingenious way that’s been tested out by some of London’s more high-profile sorts this year is to procure a diplomatic passport from an obliging country. Then, whenever they’re collared by police for speeding or minor drug offences, they simply flash their papers and claim immunity.

Boris Becker almost capsized the whole wheeze back in June when he very publicly tried to wriggle out of bankruptcy proceedings by claiming to be a cultural attaché to the Central African Republic – but keep your eye on this trick. We wouldn’t be surprised to see it tried again in 2019.

After nearly three decades of steering the ship, Paul Dacre stepped down as the Daily Mail’s editor.

Once in a morning conference Dacre interrupted a journalist talking about the female fighter pilots who were going into Libya to ask, “What? Actually flying the planes? And shooting? Not just navigating? Or giving directions?”

The reporter informed him that, yes, the women would be flying fighter jets.

Dacre mulled this over for a hot second, before asking: “Won’t their tits get in the way of the steering?”

While everyone else has been stockpiling food and medicine, this week we’ve been loading up on your weird celebrity encounters at Blockbusters – hoarding enough to see us right the way through Brexit and beyond. This week: Paul Danan.

One former employee remembers the time they served Paul Danan in their store. Instead of trying to rent a movie though, Danan seemed much more interested in asking the cashier questions about the very attractive woman who’d been ahead of him in the queue. Questions like “Wow, what’s her name?” and “Do you have her number on the computers?” and “Can I have it?”

As the cashier started explaining the Data Protection Act to him, Danan muttered something under his breath and darted off, legging it after the girl.

He returned to the shop a few minutes later. With her phone number.

It was only up for the briefest of moments, but David Beckham justified an entire year’s worth of #social #content when he shared a picture of him messing around with his dog’s hair.

The photo in question was captioned: “What’s going on with Olives queif?”

While David is likely to have meant “quiff”, if you’re not au fait with the Urban Dictionary definition of his version (more commonly spelled “queef”), you’ll soon see why he took it down…

[Semi-NSFW description on Urban Dictionary]

In recent years the phrase “personal reasons” has been used as a euphemism to describe such varied things as the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, a raging cocaine habit, the uncovering of a sexting scandal, divorce, allegations of workplace harassment, sensitive medical treatment, secret cosmetic procedures – practically anything a well-known personality may wish to brush over.

Correctly deployed by a PR department, a phrase as vague and sensitive as “personal reasons” can provide tremendously helpful cover.

For example, after Niall from Love Island started speaking publicly about how he was living with Asperger’s, the nation inferred that the “personal reasons” behind his shock departure from the villa were as a result of that.

And nothing to do with, say, any self-prescribed pharmaceuticals that there might have been in his suitcase…

Popbitch, January 25th
“The musical Chicago is coming back to London’s West End this spring after a six year hiatus… Word around the West End is that the front runner is Cheryl Cole.”

Baz Bamigboye (Daily Mail), June 8th
“Cheryl’s set for a little razzle dazzle as singer is in negotiations to join cast of West End musical Chicago.”

Dan Wootton (The Sun), November 23rd
“I can reveal the ex-Girls Aloud singer was hoping to re-invent herself in a West End musical. She was in advanced negotiations to take on the role of Roxie Hart in the current London production of Chicago.”

Hats off to the Daily Mirror for getting to make the sort of retraction that every journalist dreams of:

“A previous version of this article suggested that Katie Hopkins was stopped from leaving South Africa because of the consumption of ketamine. We are happy to clarify that Ms Hopkins was detained for spreading racial hatred, which took place after the ketamine incident.”

We took a bit of time off from Nick Cave spotting, as it’s been a rough few years for the great man – but we’re pleased to tell you that he seems to be in good spirits and is as wonderful to watch as ever.

Nick was out playing frisbee with his young son in the sporadically nice weather this spring, and he’s installed a lovely old bench in the communal garden shared by him and his neighbours in memory of his late son, Arthur.

It’s been dubbed Arthur’s Seat by the locals.

Runner-up: This one, from Warren Ellis.

Between sticking their dicks in dead pigs’ mouths and burning £20 notes in front of the homeless, we weren’t sure there was anything an Oxbridge Tory could do in their university days that would be more embarrassing.

Oh, how wrong we were.

Back in 1989, before his cab driving days, John Worboys was hired as a stripper for a now-infamous cabaret night hosted by the Oxford University Conservative Association. Among those cheering on the Black Cab Rapist as he danced erotically?

Jacob Rees-Mogg.

[Read more on Cherwell]

A satisfied Popbitch reader writes:

“You are one sick person. Such filth and immoral things in this email. Do not ever send me another emails you are not of God and working hard for satan. So take me off your sick list. Do not send made my space again I do not care for your filthy nasty mail.”

Runner Up: The executive from Syco Entertainment who got in touch to chew us out, while also telling us “National newspaper editors still read your newsletter and believe much of the tittle-tattle”.

What started as a fairly dry story, Katy Perry’s attempts to buy a convent in California suddenly grabbed international headlines when one of the protesting nuns collapsed and died in court after saying “Katy Perry, please stop…”

There’s a rather striking detail that went overlooked in it all though (the dead nun, understandably, proved to be quite a distraction). Back in the late 90s and 00s there was a big scandal in LA, where Catholic authorities had been found to have turned a blind eye to a number of molestation reports.

And where did the archdiocese end up sending many of those paedophile priests? Why, to The Sisters of the Immaculate Heart in Loz Feliz! Katy Perry’s new home!

Which explains why the Archbish was so keen to take some of Perry’s millions. He probably had a few payoffs to cover.

Kate Moss first met Philip Green when he bought a gift that she had donated to a charity auction – a kiss. Sir Phil chivalrously paid £60k for it, before donating it to the person he outbid (Jemima Khan).

It was not long after this that Kate suggested the TopShop collaboration that would go on to make them both millions.

With his post-BHS business fortunes decidedly mixed (and him now looking down the barrel of his own #MeToo reckoning) Green seems to have turned back to this tried-and-tested business formula.

This summer he offered another young lady up to “half the year’s profits” in return for a kiss. There’s not been any news on a new clothes range in TopShop by Kate’s teenage daughter though…

Lorraine Kelly’s old house went on sale this year. How could we tell it was hers? Because one of her guest bathrooms was absolutely covered in press clippings of her.

Not just wall-to-wall either. They’re even on the ceiling, so that her smiling face looks down at you while you poo.

Runner-up: Dom Littlewood from Don’t Get Done, Get Dom. He also has a toilet in his house that is covered with photos of himself.

You may, in your more wholesome moments, wonder what the value is in subjecting yourself to a bunch of tawdry, smutty gossip with us week in, week out – but we do occasionally hit upon something pretty high-brow.

Back in May, shareholders of embattled PR firm, WPP, made the rather unpopular decision not to publish the findings of their investigation into the conduct of its founder, Sir Martin Sorrell, after there was some whispered talk of ‘allegations’ surrounding his resignation.

As Popbitch pointed out a few weeks before noted newspaper of record, the Financial Times, Sir Martin was accused of using thousands of pounds of company money to hire escorts and fly them first class around the world.

NDAs were hot business this year – and not just to cover up Presidential spankings to Shark Week, or to stop people from knowing what a massive prick Philip Green is. People were using them for all sorts of stupid reasons.

Channel 4 put on a press screening for Sacha Baron Cohen’s highly-anticipated show Who Is America? where they forced hacks to hand over their phones and sign NDAs, forbidding them to write anything about it or leak any details before the episode aired at 10pm that evening.

The only problem was that the full episode had aired in the US the night before. Thousands of words had already been published on it, the show’s standout moments were all being shared on social media and the entire thing was freely available on various pirating sites.

In fact, it was all that anyone was talking about that day. Yet the only people in the world banned from voicing their opinion on it? The reviewers that Channel 4 had specifically invited to write about the show.

Instagram Account of the Year: This isn’t actually Paul Danan’s account, but it absolutely motherfucking should be
[Paul Danan Official on Instagram]

Interview of the Year: Gemma Collins doing promotion for the book that she definitely wrote and definitely knows what’s in it
[Read on Now]

App of the Year: Nicole Appleton developed a new social network app for your pets…
[Take a look]

Birthday of the Year: Madonna turned 60 – which we celebrated with a dedicated issue
[Read ‘The Immaculate Collection’]

Weirdest Comeback of the Year: Whigfield…
[Watch on YouTube]

Spokesperson of the Year: Make your own Danny Dyer soundbites
[Play on b3ta]

Impressively Pointless Project of the Year: Africa by Toto, arranged for disk drives and printer
[Listen on YouTube]

Flagrant Copyright Infringement of the Year: Russian escorts or Girls Aloud?
[See on Twitter]

Photo Shoot of the Year: Dogs catching treats
[Browse on CNN]

Just Oddest Fucking Thing of the Year: Want to explore a duck’s vagina?
[Download VR Duck Genitalia Explorer]

RIP Daniel Gould of Sofabet. If you’ve ever placed a successful bet on X Factor or Eurovision at our recommendation, there’s a good chance it was his expertise that you benefited from – so please raise a glass.
[Read on Sofabet]