Helping Hands

Another question you may have asked yourself in the course of this whole celebrity injunction is: “How on earth does one go about setting up an olive oil paddling pool sex party?” If you’ve been curious about the logistics of putting it all together and then pulling it all down, we asked the industry people who would know…

The Set-Up

Fundamentally, an olive oil paddling pool sex party is not a particularly tricky thing to sort out. It would be perfectly easy to host one in your back garden, should the mood ever take you. You could inflate the paddling pool over a few G&Ts, have a leisurely cigarette as you glug gallon after gallon of the good stuff in, and then tip the leftovers out onto the lawn when you’re done and rinse yourselves off with the garden hose.

But trying to set one up in a hotel room? Where there’s furniture and carpets and coffee tables? Where there’s doormen at every turn, receptionists manning the front desk and bellboys littering the corridors? You might as well put your skills to better use and try your hand at a bank heist.

So how the hell did PJS and pals manage to pull it off? We asked someone high up in the high-end hotel business to let us in on a few secrets.

“It would be quite easy, I think,” our mole told us, on the condition of strict anonymity. “If they had asked for it in advance, you can get a paddling pool for £20 on Amazon and it’s not difficult to arrange for that to be delivered the next day. Or, if a guest had needed it that day, we could have sent someone to Argos and pick something up.”

“As for the olive oil, in a hotel where you have a big kitchen – and especially if you have a Michelin-starred restaurant or similar – you will have 50 litres, maybe 100 litres, of olive oil available at any time.”

“If they’re prepared to pay for it, we’ll do it. We’ll pretty much do anything”

This, they say, is the core of the five-star code. Provided that the guest doesn’t ask for anything illegal or immoral, then they do what you ask. No raised eyebrows. No deep breaths. And, most importantly, no questions.

“We wouldn’t ask any questions. In a four-star property, or some of the bigger five-star properties – places where you have a large number of guests staying – I think they would ask questions there. Because if anything happened that would set off a fire alarm, or a smoke alarm, you have a lot of people you have to manage. If they got suspicious, they might intervene.”

“That would happen with the some of the big hotel names too, the ones who have hundreds of properties worldwide. They would ask a lot of questions because if anything happened and word got out about it, that could do damage to the brand. Even if it’s only one person per city where they have a hotel, that could cost them a lot.”

This is an understandable concern. Say Hilton Hotels (a globally recognised brand with a portfolio of 530+ properties) became known as the place to host your hot-slick sex-romps. Suddenly they’d have thousands of people worldwide flocking to their hotels to fuck multiple marinated partners in their rooms. It would be like that scene from The Shining – but with olive oil and spunk in place of blood.

With the more exclusive hotels though – the grand, standalone establishments or the boutique chichi boltholes – they don’t have to consider the reputation of 500+ properties. Therefore they have fewer concerns like this. This is partly what their guests are paying a premium for.

Our source continues:

“When [a hotel’s] rates are between £200-£300 you get the room, and that’s basically it. With the higher-end hotels, where you might be paying anywhere from £600 to £6,000 for a room, then we’ll do what you want. If you want us to paint the walls black, we’ll paint the walls black. So long as you’re prepared to pay for us to paint it back after, of course.”

These sorts of requests are not uncommon for hotel staff. Our source speaks about the things they’ve seen without anything in the way of excitement or scandal in their voice. The guests who have hosted week-long role-play fantasies in their rooms. The guests who have left behind costumes, props and other apparatus. It’s all business as usual.

“A paddling pool filled with olive oil, that wouldn’t faze me. Not compared to some of the things I’ve seen. Having seen their escapades, or whatever you want to call them, I’ve lost all faith in humanity. Sometimes I think I should go and live up in the mountains.”

The Take-Down

That’s all very well, getting the hotel staff to help you put everything in position, but what about the clear up? How the hell to do you actually dispose of a paddling pool filled with olive oil once you’re done with it? We asked someone who was familiar with such a situation.

“I haven’t done a paddling pool filled with olive oil, but I have done one filled with blood before.”

We should probably point out that it was fake blood (it was for a theatrical installation) but, otherwise, her paddling-pool-filled-with-unpleasant-goop scenario was practically identical. How did she go about clearing it up?

This is what she recommends:

STEP ONE: Clean yourselves up. You don’t want to be traipsing olive oil all through the room, so lay down some towels between your pool and the shower and go and rinse yourselves off. You will need to use something like dish soap to cut through the grease and allow the water to do its job properly (and you’ll need more of it than they give you in those little bottles in hotels, so bring your own).

STEP TWO: Once you are dry, you want to pick the paddling pool up and walk it towards the bathroom. (One of the benefits of having sex with multiple partners is that you have plenty of helpers for this step. Many hands make light work.)

STEP THREE: The paddling pool probably won’t get through the door still inflated, and you don’t want to tip it on its side and risk spillage, so you’ll need to deflate it a little. Do this gently – just enough to give you a bit of slack in the plastic, not enough to have the walls collapse completely.

STEP FOUR: Between all three of you (or however many of you there are) you want to try to pinch the edges together to create a pouring lip in the semi-deflated pool so you can pour with accuracy and guide the oil back into your barrels. You aren’t likely to get every last drop back in, but do what you can. Although olive oil isn’t great for plumbing, it is less likely to solidify in the pipes the way that lard or animal fats would, so if you chase it down the residual with hot water and a bit of extra dish soap, you shouldn’t cause any lasting damage to the sewage system.

STEP FIVE: Restaurants that make use of deep fat fryers have people who will come and collect their used cooking oils and replace them with fresh stuff – so this specific service does actually exist. If you don’t fancy making the call to those people though, you can simply drop it off at your local tip. They will have a designated section for cooking oils. (You may also wish to keep a bit back for yourself for your own personal grooming regime. Both olive oil and semen have been reported to be good for the skin, giving a more youthful appearance – so just imagine how well your leftovers will work as a moisturiser!)

STEP SIX: Now it’s time to deflate your paddling pool completely, folding the edges in towards the centre as you do. Continue to fold them in again and again, enveloping any remaining oil in a tight little package. This can then be placed into a bag (or, if you really want to feel like a spy, a briefcase) and transported easily and discreetly out of the building.

So there you have it. Happy bonking, guys!