Love Letters

Charming Basterd

He may be blessed with good looks, irresistible charm and an excellent sexual technique but Michael Fassbender is cursed with a terrible memory. However, if you ever fancy getting a snog off him – you can play this to your advantage.

When he was approached by an attractive woman at the Bafta awards a few years ago, Michael was unable to recall quite how he knew her. Rather than admit this, or engage in any embarrassing conversation trying to figure out their past, he swept her straight up into his arms and gave her a big smooch in the hopes that he could buy himself some thinking time.

It turned out the two of them had met before – but it wasn’t quite what he thought. She had been the publicist for his last movie and was merely coming to ask him to be part of a photocall.

Fassbender was known as ‘Everwet’ around movie sets in his early years – because crew assumed he must have been, given the rate at which he got through willing extras.

Wash Out

Not every movie star has automatic luck with his publicists. Poor Ralph Fiennes really struggled to woo one who had taken his fancy – but then his technique did leave a lot to be desired.

His method was this: when the pair of them had retired to their hotel for the night, Ralph would keep an ear out and wait until he heard the young lady running a bath in the room next door. Then, when he figured she would be in a state of semi-undress, he would knock on her door. She’d answer in her bathrobe, whereupon he would try to make small talk and catch a glimpse of her tits.

Unsurprisingly, she turned him down.

Flat Rejection

Ralph’s attempts are far from the most pathetic. Riverdance star Michael Flatley has an even worse story. Out at the Met Bar one night, Flatley saw a couple of women on a nearby table who caught his eye. Rather than approach them directly however, he sent his minder over to tell the women that he would be interested in joining them.

They politely declined.

Thinking that he might have more luck if he showed a bit of backbone and persisted, a short while later he sent his minder over again – just to check that they hadn’t changed their mind.

They hadn’t.

Then, getting increasingly desperate, he sent his intermediary over a third time, essentially to plead with the women – making his minder tell them “…BUT HE’S THE LORD OF THE DANCE!”

Jake The Neg

It’s generally considered pretty bad form to mention your exes when putting the moves on a new flame – but when you’re a famous Hollywood movie star, the regular rules don’t always apply.

When Jake Gyllenhaal was on-again, off-again with Kirsten Dunst, he would often bring up their rather amorphous relationship as a way to impress other women. But it’s wasn’t just Dunst he’d namedrop.

He also used to be fond of telling women that he’d shagged Chelsea Clinton too.

Crossed Lines

How about a little game? In order to figure out which celebrity is responsible for which pick-up line, simply follow the tangle web of wires.

Not only is it a little bit of fun, it’ll give you a bit of time to settle your stomach between each one.

Dark Knight

Les Ferdinand had a rather peculiar kink. Back when he was dating Dani Behr in the 90s, he used to request that she dress up as Princess Diana so that he could imagine himself getting to have his way with the Princess Of Hearts.

Which is kind of sweet. Until you realise that Les Ferdinand and Dani Behr dated between 1995 and 1998.

And Diana was killed in 1997.

Dani Behr was known to friends as “Mounty”. Why? Because she always got her man.

Grooming Techniques

Princess Diana was, by most accounts, quite a needy girlfriend. After the initial excitement of hanging out with the Princess wore off, Will Carling began to find her constant need for attention quite grating.

One night she kept booty-calling him, but he was trying to put her off as he had friends over. In the end he got tired of the calls and, egged on by his buddies, he told her that she could only come round if she “shaved her growler for him”.

Thinking that would be the end of it, Carling went back to his evening. The phone rang again. It was Diana, saying:

“I’ve done it. Now can I come round?”

FULL DISCLOSURE: There is some dispute about the veracity of this story. Someone else who heard Will Carling tell it is certain that the word he used was “mott”, not “growler”.

The Food Of Love

Speaking of the royals, Prince Charles‘s standard tactic for seduction during his youth was to invite a woman around to a ball, or some other fancy-pants royal engagement, and then treat her to a very meat-intensive supper in a private room beforehand.

That’s not a euphemism. The young prince was just a firm believer in the erotic benefits of a high protein diet, thinking that a bellyful of flesh would be exactly the thing to get a young lady in the mood for a night of passion.

He can’t have been rock solid on the merits of meat though, as he would usually have to get the party’s hostess to approach his date to ask her if she’d like to stay the night, as he was so afraid of rejection.

Prince William’s first? The late Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

A Potent Cocktail

Someone who took famed pig-tosser Rebecca Loos out on a date once said that, although she was a knockout in almost every possible respect, he did have a little trouble making himself understood right at the start of the evening.

They had attended some gala function, and he had asked her if she would like a drink – telling her that they only had wine and beer on offer.

She declined. Not because she wanted to keep a clear head. But because she thought that “wine and beer is a horrible combination”.

Making Sweet Music

While food and drink are an important part of the mating dance, there is no element more essential than music – and there’s nothing that gets celebrities in the mood more than themselves.

It’s not unusual for celebs to listen to their own music when while having it off. Mariah Carey and Robin Thicke have both gone on record as having got it on to their own records but they both pale in comparison to Redfoo from LMFAO.

Redfoo is no stranger to loving his own music. He has been caught countless times approaching DJs in clubs to request that his own songs be played. But this sort of self-love extends to the bedroom too. He’s been known to stick on his own band’s song I’m In Miami, Bitch – then sing along to it, while shagging, changing the lyrics to “I’m in your pussy, bitch…”

Peter Andre likes to listen to Sade while having sex. Bless.

Gang Bangs

Putting on your own music to hump to is one thing, but your own videos? It happens…

Not long after he put himself back on the market after his break-up with Rebekah Wade, Ross Kemp invited a lucky lady home after a night out. When they arrived back at his, he instructed her to get settled on the sofa while he went and got a DVD to watch.

Ordinarily in a situation like this, you’d expect the hook-up to come back with something X-rated and sexy. At the very least you’d possibly get something romantic and slushy if they were a more sensitive, artsy type. Not Ross Kemp though. To get the mood right chez Kemp, he treated his new sweetheart to a special preview screener of the first three episodes of the series he’d just finished filming.

Ross Kemp On Gangs.

Crossed Lines II

Ready for another round? Here you go…

Golden Oldies

Tom Jones has a very particular routine when it comes to nights of passion – which, in his heyday, was every night. He once explained to his band that he always likes to have what he calls “The four Cs” after dinner.

Champagne. Cigars. Cognac. And cunt.

Insurance Policies

Nowadays when celebrities have sexual insurance policies, it’s them getting security to pat down groupies to make sure that they haven’t got a mobile phone on them to snap illicit pics; or having a third party to stand watch over the proceedings as a witness to verify that everything was consensual and above board.

But the original propagators of the sexual insurance policy were the three straight lads out of Frankie Goes To Hollywood. They employed a very different system of sex insurance though, one which saw them give their hotel keys to groupies outside their hotel as they left in the early afternoon – with the instruction to get into bed and wait for them. This ensured that, in the unlikely event of them not picking up another girl during the day, they were guaranteed at least one shag.

Inevitably, when they returned back to their hotel twelve hours later, they’d each have at least one fresh girl in tow and more often than not the patient ‘back-up’ groupies would find themselves uncermoniously ejected – without so much as a thank you for keeping the bed warm.

Back in his bachelor days, Justin Timberlake used to hand out business cards printed with a mobile number and the words “Justin, insurance broker”.

Borrell Of Laughs

A bona fide Popbitch untouchable when it comes to matters of the heart, the greatest shagger of his day was Johnny Borrell of Razorlight.

His pick-up lines were legendary, and changed depending on his mood. Occasionally they were sleazy and direct, taking women aside and telling them “You can’t be looking at me like that and not want to suck my cock.”

Other times, he was sleazy and more profound, taking women up to the top of Primrose Hill to look out over the city and whisper in their ear “Think how many people down there have orgasmed to my music.”

He likes to keep this sort of conversation going in the actual act too.

When he reaches the critical moment he likes to ask his sexual partner “What’s my name?” The correct reply to which is “Johnny Borrell”. Just offering a mystified “Erm… Johnny?” is not good enough. If you say that, he will shout at you “No! My full name!”

The other celeb who likes his full name – both fore- and surnames called out in the throes of passion? Idris Elba.

Old Jokes Home

Sir Ian McKellan loves a good joke as much as we do. This is his favourite one to spring on any handsome young actor that he wants to charm…

Sir Ian: “What’s the difference between a blow job and quiche?”
Handsome Young Actor: “I don’t know”
Sir Ian: “Excellent! Let’s go and have a picnic then!”