Knights To Remember

Sean Connery – Services to Shaggy Dog Stories

One of the all-time greatest celebrity urban legends, a group of friends were supposedly out on a golfing jolly to Gleneagles and were sat in the clubhouse having a ‘celebrity shag’ conversation.

Sean Connery walks in, so a couple of the lads shout over to him “Hey Sean, bet you’ve had a celebrity shag or two… What’s your best ever?” Connery just grimaced and walked out.

Later on, some of the lads were still sitting around and Sean walks back in. He comes over to the table and says, “1964. Petula Clark. Up the arse.”

Before turning on his heel and walking out.

Bruce Forsyth – Services to Sliced Bread

Bruce Forsyth (born February 1928) is five months older than sliced bread (first sold July 1928).

Barbara Windsor – Services to Unorthodox Urination

Dame Babs once starred in a long tour of Guys and Dolls which she took around the provincial theatres of Britain. One of the backstage crew was tasked with taking cups of tea and stuff to her dressing room between the matinee and evening performances on a Saturday afternoon.

Three weeks into the run, the stagehand knocked on her dressing room door and walked in as usual bearing a tray of tea and some toast to find Windsor, wigless and bald, sitting astride the sink, her knickers round her ankles, pissing like a racehorse.

When she began to apologise for walking in, Babs shrieked “Don’t worry darlin’. I never use the loos in dressing rooms. You don’t know who’s been there before you.”

(Unrelated, but equally icky: Barbara Windsor and Mike Reid used to have dressing rooms next to each other with connecting doors at EastEnders so they could hump between takes.)

Alec Guinness – Services to Prank Calls

Despite his fame, and the extraordinary amount of money he made from Star Wars, Alec Guinness spent most of his last fifty years living quietly and contentedly near Petersfield, Hampshire.

It wasn’t an entirely peaceful existence though, as his phone number was one digit different to the local butchers. As such, he would receive an endless stream of calls from people looking to buy meat.

After years of misdirected calls, Guinness got so tired of explaining that they had the wrong number that, instead, he amused himself by patiently taking their order, then berating them for making bad meat selections.

Lenny Henry – Services To False Advertising

Lenny Henry is so gigantic that when he was filming his adverts for Premier Inn, they had to make a hotel bed that was one and a half times the regulation size because he dwarfed them and made everything look so tiny.

Christopher Lee – Services to Animation

Someone who worked for Hammer Films in the 90s was once asked to organise a voiceover recording for a Hammer Films documentary: a film for which both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee had agreed to work together one last time.

Christopher Lee asked this technician to organise one thing for him: to acquire a television and a VHS player in a private room, so that he could have some alone time with Peter.

After the recording, the technician was clearing the studio and left Peter and Christopher alone with the TV. They hadn’t noticed that he was still at the mixing desk though so he waited to see what they were going to be watching.

They sat and watched Looney Tunes cartoons together, each doing perfect impersonations of Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Pie – all line for line.

(They can’t remember exactly – but they think Christopher Lee took the part of Tweety Pie while Peter Cushing was Sylvester…)

Ian McKellen – Services to Shit Jokes

Here’s a joke that Ian McKellen likes to tell to any attractive young actors or stagehands he meets:

Sir Ian McKellen: ”What’s the difference between a blow job and quiche?”
Attractive Young Actor/Stagehand: “I don’t know”
Sir Ian McKellen: “Let’s go and have a picnic, then”.

Andy Murray – Services to Literature

Books Andy Murray has said he has read: “A bit of The Rock’s autobiography and a couple of Harry Potter books”.

Joan Collins – Services to Potato Spanking

Aeroplane etiquette is an essential part of the knight/dame experience, and there is no better person to take your cue from than Dame Joan Collins.

Joan was being served dinner in BA business class and one of her potatoes was so hot that it burnt her mouth. Ms Collins called over the steward and told him exactly that: that the potato had burnt her mouth.

The flight attendant was a little over-excited to be serving such a glamorous star so took the potato and proceeded to spank it, saying “Bad potato! Naughty potato!” much to the mirth of fellow passengers.

Joan, however, was not amused. She filed a complaint.

Judi Dench – Services to Dungeon Mastery

Vin Diesel is a real Dungeons and Dragons obsessive. While filming xXx he had a fake tattoo of his D&D character’s name, Melkor, on his stomach and he often tries to introduce his castmates to the game.

He would play with Dame Judi Dench after night-shoots on the Chronicles Of Riddick – going as far as to show her all of his Dungeons and Dragons books and attempting to explain to her the different properties of Elementals.

Shirley Bassey – Services to Possible Espionage?

There’s a rumour that does the rounds in spy circles that Shirley Bassey has been working as a spy for Interpol since the early 1980s.

Shirley, apparently, has great contacts with Arab Royalty (who are great fans of her rendition of Big Spender). Consequently she is supposedly privy to some impressive insider information. She’s even said to have helped pinpoint Saddam Hussein’s palaces in Iraq.

Mick Jagger – Services to Sporting Voodoo

There is a saying in Brazilian football: “You are Mick Jagger” – which basically means that you are a curse, and you bring bad luck to the matches you go to. But does it have any grounding in fact?

During the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, Brazilian fans came to the conclusion their team lost in the quarterfinal to the Netherlands because Jagger wore a Brazilian jersey to the game.

He reportedly also joined Bill Clinton to cheer on the United States, but Team USA lost to Ghana in the second round.

Jagger was also blamed for England’s loss against Germany that same year. And he predicted good things for Italy and Portugal in 2014.

Elton John – Services to Vulgar Jewellery

Elton John’s nickname for his closest celeb friends is “Diamond Cunt” – an honorific that also comes with an actual physical diamond cunt necklace.

Paul McCartney – Services to Wildlife

Famed animal lover Paul McCartney once tried to help out some anti-hunt protesters who had rescued a load of foxes, by allowing the foxes to be released on his Exmoor animal sanctuary.

Unfortunately the foxes strayed onto local farmland and started killing every kind of fowl they could lay their paws on, prompting the farmers to shoot the foxes on sight.

The result? Entire chicken/duck families were wiped out, and all the foxes were killed.

Two thumbs up, Macca!

Ben Kingsley – Services to Knighthoods Themselves

Sir Ben Kingsley is so devoted to the sanctity of his knighthood that he won’t let anybody get away with just calling him Mr Kingsley. So much so that one of his sons says he was, only half-jokingly, called “Sir Dad” for a couple of weeks after his knighthood.

Cliff Richard – Services to Self-Promotion

In the mid-90s, staff at a major London record label were told by their bosses to assemble in reception one lunchtime – with absolutely NO exceptions.

Speculation began to swirl about what the big news would be. Lay-offs? A buy-out? Something worse? It didn’t help matters that they were all left waiting for 40 minutes of their lunch hour, all crammed in reception with no indication of what was going on.

So everyone was very relieved to find out that they’d simply been called to act as a welcome committee to… Cliff Richard.

Cliff looked very surprised to see everyone standing there in reception, but said a few words to the assembled crowd (“Wow! Thanks so much guys… I feel truly honoured” etc) before he unveiled a big bronze bust of himself.

Which was all very odd. But it was even odder when staff later found out that Cliff had commissioned and paid for the statue himself.

Tom Jones – Services To The Four Cs

After recording his star-studded shitheap of a covers album Reload, Tom Jones very sweetly took his session musicians and producers out for dinner to celebrate.

When the meal was over, he asked his companions if they would like anything for afters – before telling them: “After dinner I always like to have the four Cs”.

When asked what he meant, Tom explained: “Champagne, cigars, cognac and cunt”.