Speaking of micro-penes, as someone is down there,
Let's say you're a relatively well-known Canadian heartthrob, who has been romantically linked with a screaming singer/songwriter who goes down on people in theatres, and who is famous for appearing shirtless and impressively bearded in a number of movies. Wouldn't it be awful if you were cursed with a microscopic manhood?
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Speaking of micro penises
When I was doing my biology degree we were shown many pictures of tiny cocks. The book that contained these picture was called, to the everlasting delight of my wife; Endocrinology At A Glance.
dixon_cox 13:10, reply
They could have been clitorises.
My personal favourite genital deformity is hydrospadias.
dawnsyndrome 13:30, reply
*ponders*
OI BUBBLEBOY: You were such a crap shag your bird went lesbian you sad cunt.
spank_daley 13:32, reply
Oh that one's really hideous.
Isn't it when you shit out of your pee hole?
dawnsyndrome 13:35, reply
And then try and flog the discharge to America?
Yes, that's the one.
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Reminds me- "Morning Septics- Happy 4th July Y'All!"
and one for the Lavender Hill Mob 
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Scandal hit Germany last night (according to BILD)
as the national news last night showed an incorrect US flag. Apparently ARD (sort of equivalent of BBC) added an extra white stripe to the flag or somethingzzzzzzz)

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actually
I've just realised it wasn't that particular book but the sentiment remains the same...
dixon_cox 13:12, reply
i once caught a g/f in bed
with a fella , i ripped off the duvet and saw that his winkie was truely like a mushroom (a button mushroom with no stalk) and my anger turned to pity for a fleeting moment to be replaced with laughter and much pointing of finger
bubbleboy 11:01, reply
maybe it had retracted at the sight of you.
some can do that, you know.
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I guess it's Mother Nature's way so that receptive famales can't really tell if someone has a massive dong or not until it's up and in.
All men with small peenies would have died out by now otherwise.
*senses fabulous eugenics idea*
dawnsyndrome 14:38, reply
This would be the rope
stinky 12:20, reply
Well I'd been on a 2 day bender of drugs and fucking so i kinda deserved it- i did chase him out with a machete though....Oh and I've got a huge cock
bubbleboy 12:04, reply
Wow, that's really cool dude.
I'm gonna think of you as the dangerous, edgy one with the big cock from now on and not the sad cunt who lost his girl to a chinese doormouse. Go you!
spank_daley 12:08, reply
I was seeing a US Marine once,
he was really impressive physically and could do all them clap press ups with a man sitting on is back etc. Come the great unveiling i couldn't even wank him off it was so small i left in tears of laughter.
He was not laughing
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It's very sweet
that you made him do press-ups for you before taking his trousers off. Almost ladylike.
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Electrogal isn't fat
She's apparently really hot and people tell her she looks like some fit bird off the TV, only fitter.
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Actually, her off the telleh
what you reckon you look like has fucking great shovel hands too, don't she?
spank_daley 14:05, reply
and fungirl
spank_daley 11:12, reply
Dave Gilmour walking down Lexington Street lastnight. Looking red faced, relaxed and rich.
lennie 10:58, reply
Much as I hate the hippy cunt and his dull introspective songs
he has a beautiful speaking voice.
open_attachment 12:14, reply
Ice T's power was the best album cover ever
It was embossed around the figures, front and back, which meant you could trace your finger around his missus' tits and arse whilst wanking.
spank_daley 12:54, reply
Does Polly still write all his songs?
"If I've told them once, I've told them a thousand times. It's David Gilmour first, and Puppet Show last."
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Yet somehow he manages to get engaged to one of the planet's
most desirable women. There is, as they say, no justice.
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Cupid Stunt
mosseller 10:45, reply
Normal tattoos are for pooves and essex girls.
The thing to have now is to have them etched onto your skin by laser. Fuck me some people are retards.
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Astonishing the lengths truly ordinary people will go to
in order to make themselves less ordinary. Just a shame they all do it together, at the same time, in a rush.
Tribal maori tattoo anyone. Oh, everyone! Form a queue to the left.
stinky 12:17, reply
Fucktards are branding themselves now
a life a slavery is just what they need.
mosseller 10:17, reply
About ten years ago, I had my hands decorated with Mendhi, the intricate henna patterns you see at some Asian weddings. The chap who did it had recently set up business in Camden, and aside from the odd dolphin or Tasmanian Devil, hadn't really done anything complex. The whole thing took three hours and the sweat was squirting out of his head. Later on, I was in a pub in Maidstone and a proto-chav looked at my hands and uttered "wossat?" - to which I jokily responded that I'd just got back from L.A. and had my hands laser etched. Hurt like buggery. Proto-chav and his mates were taken in by this and then bought me drinks for as much of the evening as I dared to stay there, which wasn't long.
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Overlong? Ficticious? What do you mean?
Come on, rick, think these things through properly.
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The woman who did my last tattoo
had branded herself on her upper arm, but the scar had gone wrong and it was growing very lumpy and had turned a sort of deep red colour. She thought it was cool.
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That's just lovely
There was (and maybe still is) a tattoo place in Berwick street that had the walls covered with tracing paper showing past and present designs. There were an unseemly number of dogs - chihuahuas, boxers and many, many pit bulls. Some were quite large too. I've lost sleep trying to understand the compulsion to have a huge fucking bull mastiff etched onto your back.
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any of you excited enough by this description
to go there to get one done will be disappointed - the whole block was knocked down about three months ago losing four porn shops and three brothels in the process.
bint 12:01, reply
If it is, then
that's where I had mine done. Lots of blokes in suits waiting for Prince Alberts in the next room.
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Heh! Let me guess. In early 1992 you got
"Up Yours, Delors!" in heraldic script down your forearm?
grimly_fiendish 10:42, reply
Close, but no cuban cigar.
His first script was 'Highlander', which he wrote at UCLA and sold for a fortune. He then became a firefighter for three years and witnessed a friend killed by an explosive backdraft, which became the basis for the his next screenplay, called, uh, 'Backdraft'. He is our patron saint and before you can become a member of the WGA you have to have his visage tattooed on your cheek - right cheek for comedy, left for drama.
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... Whose only produced screenplay in the last decade was
an Australian TV movie starring the one with no tits off Baywatch. Hmm.
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Several!
But apparently those pencil-necks in Hollywood just aren't brave enough to greenlight my proposed John Leslie biopic.
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Heh!
I for one have certainly enjoyedwould enjoy watching Abi Titmuff and JL's dirty porn videomoving story.
grimly_fiendish 12:05, reply
I know!
Lisa Riley was *this close* to signing on for the Catherine Zeta Jones role, too.
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We should work together
You can help me out with my zombie movie set in the catering industry (working title "Recipe For Disaster")
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Mammy Mia?
Aint that right ladies an gennleman, eh? hahaha. What am I like?
spank_daley 12:20, reply
Anthony Bourdain's description of Ainsley Harriot
mugging and shouting at an appreciative audience of cow-like middle-aged women, who would immediately call the police if he ever wandered onto their housing estate, is entirely correct
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I'll always love Ian Beale's revelation that when he was on Ready Steady Cook and had just won (or lost), the music was playing and they were
waving to the audience, Ainsley whispered in his ear 'look at these poor sad bastards with fuck all else to do...'
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I liked SCOPB's description of Bourdain from a while back
"You didn't fight in Vietnam - get over it".
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I was gonna say that is the dullest thing you have ever written
but, well, you know..
spank_daley 11:35, reply
No, he's got a full sized picture of the face of Oliver Letwin fighting a dragon on his back
and a picture of the 1922 committee meeting on his stomach.
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The Mark Lamarr tattoo does exist, although not on me
If anyone can find a more ill-advised piece of body art, I will buy them anything they want

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Oh I'll think you'll find it doesn't get much better than Patrick Swayze as a centaur

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Ummm...
Celtic tats...#2 haircut...facial hair and flowery prints on the walls? Don't know about you but I smell lavender...
...Would.
scazza 13:36, reply
Tattoo model posing is still in its infancy
Looks like he's about to have a crafty slash in a vase
grimly_fiendish 11:12, reply
*applauds*
anna308 11:22, reply
Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Weave-il...
...Final (Hair) Cut, etc. etc. etc.
I saw Ben Miller on Great Marlborough Street today, wearing huge sunglasses and talking animatedly with a companion (could have been Armstrong; wasn't really looking). IDNSH Moving Wallpaper, but then nor did anyone else, apparently.
martinqblank 23:59, reply
SPOT! Friday night [I've been busy this week, sorry it's late]
David Boreanaz aka Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer - coming out of a portaloo by the Bodleian Library in Oxford eating pizza. He was in a smart suit and had an orange face.
IDNSH cursed soul, designed as a punishment to make him suffer for his past evil.
silkybunbuns 12:35, reply
And Ken Loach just off Bloomsbury st. It was when it was really hot and humid and he was wearing a huge and very thick looking leather jacket.
Eric probably told him he looked tres chic in it.
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he was in the royal oak in didsbury village a couple of weeks ago
el Cantona not loach (he might have been but everyone in didsbury is either an estate agent or a retired lecturer so he wouldn't have stood out as much as le Roi)
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Spotted yesterday evening
Richard off of Big Brother on St Martin's Lane. He was wearing a vest and cut off jeans with a baseball hat. I overheard a lad pointing him out to his mother: "Richard who?" "You know mum, the big butch mary from Big Brother - called himself a sexual terrorist" "sexual terrorist? Oh yeah, I liked him. ahhh". Ahhhh? ffs.
spank_daley 16:45, reply
Kylie news
A mate who was getting his OBE today from Charles relayed some news to me about Kylie over some drinks at lunchtime.
She was one of the first up to get her gong and when she returned to sit down ended up next to a 7 year old boy, who couldn't believe his luck being seated next to the little pop pixie. Kylie was charm personified and made the little boys day. My friend who then had a chat with her afterwards was asked by Kylie which of her songs he liked the best, he said didn't really know much about her music, but liked her Agent Provocateur video - at which point she laughed and agreed with him.
kerching 16:27, reply
Is her OBE for services to the ivory industry?
Because it sure as fuck can't be for her music.
beryl_the_peril 16:31, reply
His US manager
is very camp and wears full pastel coloured shellsuits..In other news, Morrissey has demanded that ALL backstage catering at tomorrow's Wireless is vegetarian, which has gone down like lead balloon with all the other acts appearing. There's been a sharp rise in requests for charcuterie platters on riders and some of the crew are planning a murder of their own.
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Pizza Hut don't take kindly to their establishments being referred to as "portaloos"
grimly_fiendish 12:39, reply
Portakabin (TM)
The trade mark watch dog at Portakabin gets slightly arsy whenever journalists mispell his beloved company's name or misuse the trademark description. Private Eye and others have received slightly pompous cease and desist letters pointing out that not all 'modular buildings' are in fact Portakabins and moreover the name should never be spelt as 'Portacabin' or 'portacabin'. The Eye printed one such letter and then used the term repeatedly throughout the rest of the issue. It would be very childish if any journos/web editors out there were to mispell and misuse the name over the next week or so...
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"It’s like people who say Tannoy
when they mean public-address system. Tannoy is a brand name."
arseface 14:43, reply
Since this is this afternoon's topic:
Hoover, Cashpoint, Cling Film,
PC, Television, Radio, Dustbin *
(* I may or may not have made some up)
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Spurs should NEVER be allowed anywhere NEAR Wembley.
Unless it's to hose down the streets after the market.
mrothko 15:31, reply
"What a pathetic way to earn a living"
was how they titled one such letter from a lawyer about his client's trademark.
electric_goat 14:29, reply
Puffa and Biro employ people solely to read the press and send trademark letters whenever they spot puffa or biro.
Intellectual proper'y innit?
loobylou 13:30, reply
Thanks for that, Ian
And this week's Private Eye is on sale now, folks.
grimly_fiendish 13:26, reply
Urgh! All kinds of wrong in that post
Who takes a slice of pizza into












