Sign up here to get the email every Thursday • Email address:
FOLLOW THE LIGHTS. The place to go for irreverent, tongue- in- cheek, unusual greeting cards, the likes of which you won't find anywhere else on the net, or in those shiny shops with balloon numbers and Cliff Richard calendars. [link]

post new message

Mr Tumble's Dad

John Gosden Guy Fletcher discovered Chris De Burgh.

soapy_handerton 19:48, reply

De Burgh's a lovely crackpot

"I have found myself able to cure people with my hands. I met someone in the West Indies who was not able to walk. I put my hands on him and he was able to get up."

In 1993 he revealed that he had warned his wife, Diane, not to move her spine if she should break her neck in a riding accident. The following day Diane, the inspiration for Lady In Red, fell off her horse and adhered to his advice, saving herself from paralysis.

Rather wonderfully he forgets to mention that as his wife lay in bed recuperating from her broken neck he started fucking the nanny.

rogermoore 16:02, reply

He also had the "pleasure" of shagging Sarah Ferguson.

He referred to it as being in "the royal box".

cerealrapist 21:16, reply

And his cousin, also called Guy Fletcher, played keyboards for Dire Straits. The father wrote a number of choons for Elvis, also...

plasticflamingo 8:41, reply

And that's got to be a pretty valuable catalogue he has. I remember being taken, as a child, for Sunday lunch at Jack Fishman's house. Jack's primary profession was as a Newspaper Editor; but he had a profitable 'sideline' in songwriting. And what a sideline that was. I seem to remember him saying that he had designed and built his (very beautiful) house near Bishop's Avenue with the royalties from one song - his English lyrics for If Paradise was Half as Nice...Lovely, modest, kind man.

plasticflamingo 10:52, reply

Special needs?

Pity the Sound tech on the latest tour of a once famous 2Tone label ska covers band [with a smattering of original tunes] who lasted approximately 30 seconds into the first gig on this current tour. After trying to convince the somewhat difficult lead singer during the weeks of pre-production that it was about time he replaced his radio mic [the one he's been using for years and has the technology of a kids tomy two way radio from argos] the damned mic went and failed 10 seconds into show 1. Ever the pro a brand spanker was thrust into the stubborn ones hands within seconds, whilst 'old faithful' was slung into the rig. Much against the tour managers advice the poor [well it's cost him about 5k in wages] sound tech was given his marching orders après gig, being blamed by the hissy fitting one for the failure! Such a bad attitude, maybe a case of 'too much, too young'?

flange 12:02, reply

Steve Craddock of Ocean Colour Scene/Paul Weller fame has replaced Roddy Radiation on the latest tour- now down to 4 original members

barry 16:38, reply

You forgot to put 'visionary' before Jerry Dammers...

plasticflamingo 8:35, reply

Oscar-winning Doctor Who gettin his buns handed to him this morning. At Gail's Bakery in Crouch End.

drunken_boht 12:33, reply

He knows better than to shop at

dirty Dunns

pink_oboe 16:05, reply

Expect a war to be fought on that very front

The KFC in Crouch End, much maligned by its well-heeled denizens, has finally closed down. A pitched battle is brewing over use of the site; on the one side, the Mumsnet massive who are doubtless seeking to augment the existing JoJo Mama Bebe / Petit Bateau with a branch of Seraphine or a McLaren shop selling juggernaut prams to house the inevitable IVF triplets;

On the other side is the hipsters who, having been squeezed out of Dalston and are now spreading like paste along Tufnell Park and Archway, are creeping uphill by capillary attraction, lured in by the newly-opened Heirloom (with its menu of not just heritage, but endangered vegetables. Cunts.) and the burgeoning sprawl of coffee shops.

And Christ, what am I posting here? Sorry. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a habit of trying to blag insane discounts from high-end shops and if one isn't forthcoming, is quite happy to go to another branch. Even if it's in a different continent. And he goes after the least obvious things; a crocodile-skin-coated chair, handbags and - overheard in a London boutique - "I vant to buy a pullover".

bad_horsey 9:18, reply

Look, just apologise

and maybe you'll get your job back.

babycatboy 12:30, reply

is it ranking roger?

__________ 12:26, reply

No, Rankin' John Major

7zark7 22:59, reply

FOF still recounts how, filming red carpet for a theatre show opening a few years back

the great and the good were arriving but the crowd really went wild when JM arrived. Maybe it wasn't just Edwina he was throwing it out to.

deep_stoat 23:16, reply

The disappointing thing is that, in person, he's a REALLY nice bloke. It was once said that, if he could have shook the hand of every member of the electorate, he would have won by a landslide; and that's probably true.

plasticflamingo 8:34, reply

The old saying that you only miss them when they are gone

rings true. But then there's Blair. And Brown. Anything before Major has thankfully carked it.

stan2a10shun 22:15, reply

It was probably Jerry-built...

plasticflamingo 13:40, reply

So this morning comes the news that

Ride are reforming (no surprise given how Slowdive are having to use wheelbarrows to take the cash from their reunion home). Who next? I was hoping for Northside Northern Uproar but that's looking unlikely now one of them has gone and died.

Just as long as it isn't the Mary Whitehouse Experience.

deep_stoat 10:39, reply

Also deadpoolin'

Jimmy Ruffin: family broken-hearted

Mike Nichols: graduated

soapy_handerton 19:14, reply

There will be

Northern Uproar at that

soapy_handerton 10:46, reply

Shamen you

bad_horsey 10:54, reply

Oh e's good

spank_daley 12:18, reply

In light of his defence of mylene as a single mum

I thought I'd repost this

whitemaninhammersmithpalais 14:42, reply

Allow me, old chap.

humphrey_plugg 14:50, reply

Ta !

Too difficult for me on this phone

whitemaninhammersmithpalais 14:55, reply

Myleene Klass

= sly semen leak

soapy_handerton 17:57, reply

Kleen my arse

(give or take a few letters.)

humphrey_plugg 19:03, reply

It could be pointing at either of them tbh

deep_stoat 15:10, reply

Now that needs a sausage.

humphrey_plugg 15:53, reply

Uncle Whuppity has found true love

qm 15:33, reply

whuppity's finally found EVERLASTING love

__________ 20:07, reply

As seen on Julien Blanc's testimonials page

spank_daley 17:13, reply

Worst up the arse corner ever

curlywurly 17:06, reply

One of them is responsible for a number of deaths

and the other is Manson.

deep_stoat 16:55, reply

Shirley

not?

soapy_handerton 21:35, reply

That's not counting those who are still reading it, because it's so bloody long...

plasticflamingo 15:36, reply

German football team Wolfsburg

Had a manager in the late 90s/early 00s named Wolfgang Wolf.

soapy_handerton 0:02, reply

Words of wisdom from Nik Kershaw

"Accountants are like curries – you don’t know if you’ve got a bad one until it’s too late."

bad_horsey 16:50, reply

near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground

you can have a shit there, mate.

__________ 22:44, reply

German football has always been a rich picking ground.......

....Dynamo Dresden's Sporting Director is Ralf Minge.

majicman 9:43, reply

and who can forget...

__________ 10:33, reply

Kuntz is obviously in on the joke.....

...since being made Chairman of 1.FC Kaiserslautern (also known as 1.Fck, Fck) he was responsible for signing Danny Fuchs and Florian Dick.

majicman 11:06, reply

deep_stoat 10:46, reply

Depending on your perspective

it is either hugely ironic or gloriously appropriate that Julian Dicks now manages West Ham United Ladies. Come on you Irons!

philanderer 17:30, reply

__________ 19:18, reply

Meanwhile...in Switzerland

majicman 22:04, reply

Being in the public eye again has obviously gone to Mel B's head.

At a fundraiser the special surprise guest was Van Morrison. Everyone was well impressed and watched his set in awe, apart form Mel B who talked loudly throughout it, pissing off everyone in earshot (which was pretty much the entire room).

She then wandered over to Harrison Ford's table and hung round waiting to meet Han Solo, but Harrison was clever enough never to turn round and catch her eye so in the end she just walked off in a huff. Good to have you back, Mel.

deep_stoat 12:38, reply

Speaking of Mels

As the awful Mel Sykes seems to be heading off to the jungle thing, I wonder if Paul Danan will try to sell his kiss and tell again. Of course, as keen PB readers will know, they went on one date, and his Mum did the driving. Lucky they didn't properly hook up to be fair, as Mel's reason for divorcing her first husband was that he didn't earn enough...

soapy_handerton 20:00, reply

Camilla Parker Bowels

Has mild IBS.

Prior to a royal visit, police search and seal a selected disabled toilet. CPB usually makes an immediate beeline to the designated thunder-box to blow her mud.

fayekorgazm 15:57, reply

More royal turd info

Many years ago, a friends father who was consultant at a hospital awaiting a visit from the queen, described how they were given very clear instructions by the Palace staff on the logistics involved in the allocation of a toilet for sole Royal use. Two men were always required to stand guard outside. In order for the there to be no potential for Royal embarrassment, a banana was then repeatedly dropped into the regal pan. Some considerable time was spent positioning the men to a point where the splash was inaudible.

This may or may not be true. I sincerely hope it is.

chablis 11:08, reply

She hasn't shit right since Di died.

dawnsyndrome 17:02, reply

Who has?

deep_stoat 20:27, reply

deep_stoat 12:12, reply

"Do you like Millwall puny earth boy?"

qm 12:20, reply

I wish I could take a dump that quickly.

humphrey_plugg 17:17, reply

Jill Dando's last movements caught on video ?

fayekorgazm 22:58, reply

i HATE paula radcliffe

__________ 0:17, reply

Today's threads