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This week’s advertisers are readers who have rallied round to plug their wares and help support the Popbitch newsletter to keep it free for you – so take a look (or a listen) and enjoy! We are delighted to support people who get off their arses to produce their own things, so email us: advertising@popbitch.com
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“Moonglow. It’s such a nice word, like a poem in itself… Also rainbow. Or cunt.” – David Bailey
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|_| |_|08.12.16 ISSUE 811
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* Phil Mitchell’s forwarded mail
* Shit-eating gossip terrorists
* Charts: Clean Bandit still no 1
>> Digital love <<
Addicted to (second) base
In these PR-coated, media-managed times it sometimes feels like the excesses of sex, drugs and rock’n’roll are missing from the modern pop scene. But it’s a totally different story behind closed doors.
For example, if you get squeaky clean girl-group The Saturdays all together in the same room it won’t be long before they start talking in detail on their favourite topic of conversation: fingering.
Sisters are doing it for themselves: now that Cheryl Cole has left Modest Management she’s being looked after by her PA, Lily England.
>> Mail offline <<
Old-skool celebrity pranks
Online trolling may be all the rage these days, but there are still some pranksters trying to piss off celebrities through more old-fashioned methods.
For example, someone has been flooding Danniella Westbrook’s address with broadband sign-up letters recently – all of them made out to “Mr Phil Mitchell”.
The joke’s on the pranksters though because Danniella has since moved out of that house. She was seen by her neighbours doing most of the removals by herself in the middle of the night, singlehandedly dragging her sofa out into the garden at around 4am.
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Have a laugh at our outrageously funny and rude Xmas cards and gifts. Perfect for special friends and the dreaded Secret Santas. Xmas has come early – 25% off with code POP25: https://www.deanmorriscards.co.uk/
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>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which on-again/off-again couple keep breaking up because she (a popstar) is trying to save herself for marriage; whereas he (a model) is a little less bothered about that? The diet of dry-humping will be giving him some royally blue balls.
Nominative Determinism Of The Week (Double Strength Edition): Nevada’s State Wildlife Vet is called… Dr Peregrine Wolff.
>> Sundowner <<
Raise a smile for the Sun
It’s Def-Con Three at the Sun as all-out war is breaking out between CEO Rebekah Brooks and Editor Tony Gallagher.
The Brooks camp feels that the Sun has become a Daily Mail clone, and that an increasingly nasty edge is starting to turn off advertisers (something to which Brooks is very sensitive, seeing as it was an advertising boycott that killed off the News of the World on her watch).
Her big fear is that pressure group Stop Funding Hate could easily pivot from the Mail to the Sun, so Brooks stormed into a features meeting to demand something to soften the Sun’s image – basically imposing the Raise A Smile This Xmas campaign on Gallagher.
Gallagher’s concentration on hard news means that he’s got Murdoch’s ear for the moment, but with the features desk haemorrhaging writers and execs, the fight for the Sun’s soul has begun.
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Do you work in Marketing or PR but have run out of creative ideas? Fear not! This buzz-worthy campaign generator does the job for you http://www.ideamicdrop.com
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>> The Great De-Pressing <<
A special Popbitch report
In the latest issue of Popbitch Magazine we’ve taken a long look back at the bloody and bruising year it’s been for the press, and consider why everything is such an ungodly clusterfuck at the minute.
We’ve decided to share it with you all, in full. Partly because we think it’s important; partly because of something the Pope said earlier this week.
Pope Francis likened the media’s habit of reporting “ugly things, even though they may be true” to coprophilia. After his earlier claim that gossip is “an act of terrorism”, he basically called us shit-eating terrorists.
Yeah? Well, consider the gauntlet thrown down, Your Holiness. If we’re having to swallow a lot of shit at the minute, it’s because there’s a lot of it going around – not because we enjoy doing it.
So grab your spoon, and let’s get stuck in:
http://bit.ly/2gFympg
Peter Thiel went to a “Heroes and Villains” costume party last weekend dressed as Hulk Hogan. Donald Trump went as Donald Trump.
>> Piece by piece <<
Our shit-eating four-play
This is what you have in store…
* Part I: The Newsworthy Penis
Hulk Hogan got his money; Gawker pulled the shutters down – but that’s not the end of the story. The lawyer and the billionaire involved in taking down Gawker have now made journalism 100x more expensive.
http://bit.ly/2h9m0ce
* Part II: Return Of The Gag
We all had a good chuckle at the PJS injunction and the olive oil paddling pool sex party back in April, but the Supreme Court’s ruling in that case is now being used to secure superinjunctions which prevent the legitimate reporting of sexual assault and criminal fraud.
http://bit.ly/2gZwKcT
* Part III: Battle Royal
Prince Harry’s recent swing at the press may have seemed reasonable but, behind the scenes, editors have received some concerning letters from the celebrity side of that story.
http://bit.ly/2gFvLeW
* Part IV: Post-Truth Will Out
After 18 months of trying (and failing) to land a hit on him, Donald Trump is on his way to the White House – and the press is at his mercy more than ever.
http://bit.ly/2gZAPh4
Bubba The Love Sponge (the DJ who shot the Hulk Hogan sex tape) has allegedly also got a sex tape of… General David Petraeus.
>> Two James Arthurs <<
Out of body experience
James Arthur. Once the answer to pub quiz questions about the year X Factor went a bit dubstep; now one of 2016’s best-selling singers – James has left behind the world of gay slurs and diss tracks. He is becoming a Serious Artist.
How can we tell? Because in recent interviews he has taken to that most pretentious of habits: talking about himself in the third person.
Speaking of his appearances on the reality show, he said “James Arthur of X Factor was probably always high.”
He’s also been talking about acting, thinking what he can bring to the stage. Our revised estimate for when he goes full James Franco and releases his first poetry collection? 2018.
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A turban-wearing Noddy Holder-a-like beating the shit out of Roy Wood, plus demented Santababies, Boney M and Yoko… think Rosemary’s Baby at Xmas! Available on Amazon/iTunes, watch and have a giggle – Christmas Every Day by Sarah McGuinness: http://bit.ly/2ha4O47
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>> RedFaced <<
Keeping it in the family
Louise Redknapp is sure of a place in the Strictly final next week. Even so, there’ll be no rush to place a bet on her in the Redknapp household. They know better than to have a flutter on the family.
A few years back Harry Redknapp was wanted by Newcastle to replace Sam Allardyce. It was a prestigious job and he told his son, Jamie, that he was going up to Newcastle to accept. So Jamie and some of his football mates decided to stick a little bet on it at the bookies.
However, on his way up to Newcastle, Harry talked it over with his wife and, in doing so, talked himself out of moving from the South Coast. He didn’t think to mention it to Jamie, however. To say that Jamie was surprised to hear that Kevin Keegan was the new manager is something of an understatement.
An anagram of Deliveroo is… O Evildoer.
>> A new direction <<
The Fuller picture
Another series of X Factor is ending without unearthing a new commercial star, which can’t be great news for Simon Cowell’s label, Syco. Nor can the fact that Sonny Takhar, the label’s president, has just left too.
The Syco company line is that Sonny’s departure was entirely amicable, but gossip at his very lavish leaving do was all about how he’d been given the elbow for failing to sign up any of the One Direction boys on solo deals after the split.
Sonny also appears to have sent a nicely subtle fuck-you to his ex-boss too. It seems his next career move is setting up a rights company to handle music acts. And who has Sonny been citing as his big inspiration for this development?
Simon Cowell’s biggest rival: Simon Fuller.
This year’s X Factor winner will be managed by Professor ‘Jonathan’ Shalit and not Modest Management. (More fallout from the 1D solo deal debacle, perhaps?)
>> Glass half Fuller <<
The curse of the Beckhams
That all said, things haven’t been looking that peachy for Simon Fuller recently either.
What with everyone making such a big deal about Cruz Beckham being signed up with Scooter Braun (the man behind Bieber) Fuller must be feeling a little overlooked. After all, it was Fuller who made Victoria such a star when she was in the Spice Girls. It was Fuller who created Brand Beckham. He still works extremely closely with David – and yet he got passed over for the Cruz gig?
He must be furious, but there’s something of a silver lining. At least he doesn’t have to listen to that piss-weak Xmas single of Cruz’s all holiday.
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>> Hmmms <<
Maps, alpacas, X Factor
X Factor Final: it’s the most open in years, all three acts are in with a shout. Check out the odds here:
http://bit.ly/2fV2ob1
If you need reminding of the musical theory that makes an X Factor winner:
http://bit.ly/2dhytFM
All the apologies from UK rail operators, collated, ranked and ordered:
http://bit.ly/2hoxODX
A map showing what every country in the world is best at:
http://bit.ly/2go7NHv
Anthony Joshua to win the big fight Saturday? William Hill are offering 4/1 odds to new customers (T&Cs):
http://bit.ly/2h9wsk2
Someone’s dad is having a meltdown over alpacas:
http://bit.ly/2go3Tyf
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Thanks to: BC, CM, mount_st_nobody, AM, CW, AM, J, bitch_with_the_accent
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Old Jokes Home:
Had to take my cat to the vet the other day.
Turned out he’d had a massive stroke.
Still Bored?
RIP Greg Lake, who once wrote to the Guardian to answer a reader’s letter about Christmas songs:
http://bit.ly/2gZHtEa
