************************************
QUIZ! QUIZ! Popbitch QUIZ! QUIZ! Next Tues 4 Aug. Spitalfields. Celebrate what would be the Queen Mum’s birthday with us. Say yes to drinking and winning prizes, but no to Nazi salutes! Tickets 5GBP each or 15GBP for a table of four (25% discount). Book your tickets here: http://bit.ly/1DR5leP
************************************
“The eighties are back and I feel I am still relevant” – Sinitta
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| ‘_ \ / _ \| ‘_ \| ‘_ \| | __/ __| ‘_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_|30.07.15 ISSUE 748
Free email every week
Subscribe http://eepurl.com/XSZoP
Email stories hello@popbitch.com
* Froome fans reject dope
* Scandal at Eurovision!
* Charts: It’s Sigma v Little Mix
>> And… Cut! <<
Sharia TV in the UK?
Love Productions are the clever people behind two massive TV shows: The Great British Bake Off and Benefits Street.
There’s a rumour swirling around the company that they’ve got a new show ready to shop around.
It’s a reality show which, if they pull it off, is destined to piss all over the controversy around Benefits Street.
The programme? Contestants live under Sharia law. You’d hope they’ve already given this one the chop. You’d have to be stoned to think it was a good idea.
Hillary Clinton has chosen to host her Hollywood presidential bid fundraiser at the home of Scooter Braun (aka Bieber’s manager).
>> Ex-factor <<
Not one to judge
After what feels like centuries of loyal service, Simon Cowell has finally come good on his threats and put Louis Walsh out to pasture.
It has been a tough year for Cowell – the pressures of fatherhood, the loss of his mother. And it must be pretty depressing having to do that pantomime judge thing yet again. So despite Cowell and Walsh’s longtime friendship perhaps Nick Grimshaw and Rita Ora can introduce a type of entertainment to the show that poor old Louis just can’t.
Who nose?
The barrister representing the abuse claimants against Jimmy Savile’s estate is named… Piers Feltham.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which big-serving tennis player enjoyed a threesome with a tennis fan and his coach at a UK tournament? They got down to it as the sounds of a brass band playing “Sussex By The Sea” drifted in from outside.
Seeing as he’s in the news for being linked to his nanny, can you remember which leading lady Ben Affleck was overheard on set telling “*******, you have *the* finest growler!”?
Heathrow sent a goody box to every MP containing a mug, shortbread and chocolates. Not as a shit bribe, but to demonstrate the importance of air freight. Sure.
>> Biting back <<
Jedward shows his teeth
When doing the promo rounds for Sharknado 3, Jedward popped in to the London Live studio for an interview. Predictably, mayhem ensued. Somehow either John or Edward (no-one could tell the difference) managed to sneak into the newsroom.
John/Edward was bumbling around the room, thanking all the people there for their hard work and telling them to ‘enjoy London’ like some sort of demented royal.
But when the news editor told him to get out of his newsroom, John/Edward did not react well. He marched out, screaming: “YOU’RE ALL REPLACEABLE. YOU’RE ALL REPLACEABLE.”
Where are they now? The Cheeky Girl who didn’t go out with Lembit Opik seems to be working on reception for Network Rail in York.
>> Yewtree 2: Down Under <<
Antipodean and anti-paedo
The British trend for seeking out pension-aged sex offenders and bringing them to justice is catching on globally. The Americans are going hell for leather on Bill Cosby again, and now Australia is joining in on it too.
Maggie Kirkpatrick – better known as lesbian prison guard The Freak in Prisoner Cell Block H, has just been charged over an incident that took place in the 80s.
Jake Gyllenhaal is in talks to play Boston bomb survivor Jeff Bauman in an Oscar-bait film role.
>> Bombasa <<
Car trouble in Kenya
Security for Obama’s visit to Kenya must have been immense. In recent years Kenya has really suffered from Somalia being its neighbour. But how does Al-Shabaab infiltrate? Turns out the easiest way to get explosives in is to bribe a member of the border police not just to turn a blind eye, but to actually sit in the car and accompany it into position.
Recently an Al-Shabaab car was driven all the way into the police HQ in Mombasa. They parked up, the policeman and terrorists got out… but then the car failed to detonate. So was just stuck in the car park.
Coincidentally, a carload of FBI agents had just turned up for a meeting, carrying devices which send out an alert when they get near explosives. A quick search turned up the car bomb. But they couldn’t work out how to defuse it.
So the police drove it off to a quarry to be destroyed. Right through one of Mombasa’s busiest markets.
Four Lions had nothing on this.
************************************
Intrigued by Caitlin Jenner’s journey? Come and explore playing around with gender in a safe space with likeminded people at a workshop in Soho, Sat 22 Aug: http://bit.ly/1ItIX0g
************************************
>> Spedding fine <<
Junior Eurovision secrets
The author of the X Factor/Rita Ora audition story we reported on in last week’s Popbitch was Cory Spedding.
The name may have rung a distant bell to Eurovision fanatics, as Cory Spedding was one of the very first entrants in Junior Eurovision.
Her entry was somewhat anti-prophetic though. The title? The Best Is Yet To Come…
Passenger – not making friends at Somersault Festival. Got pissy with the quiet crowd, shouting “If you’re not singing now, you’re a racist”.
>> Czech mate <<
A mysterious fucker
Last week, we told you that ‘zmrd’ might be the longest swearword in the world not to use vowels. It’s Czech and it translates as ‘fucker’.
This week we learned there’s some heated debate about the word’s etymological origin. There are three contending explanations:
1) It comes from ‘zmrdat’ which means ‘to fuck over’
2) It comes from the conjunction of two words ‘z mrdu’, which literally means ‘from fuck’
3) It comes from ‘z mrdky’ which means ‘from cum’ So far, the Institute for Czech Language has not yet passed a verdict over this issue – but you’ll be the first to know when they do.
Swear vowel-free in Welsh. “Ffwrch” can be translated as “pussy”.
>> George, cross <<
Froome fans reject dope
George Osbourne is out making friends again. The Lego-headed one turned up at the Tour de France to appear on the podium with Chris Froome.
He was dropped off by his driver outside the Team Sky base, where he was roundly booed. He looked a bit shocked, made some bizarre driving gesture, and was booed some more before quickly scuttling off to sit with the French politicians.
According to a recent survey by ad agency Havas, more than twice as many people say they buy CDs as watch music on YouTube.
>> Impaired vision <<
Scandal at the song contest
Now that the FIFA corruption case looks to be on a season break, what next for fans of international corruption?
Well Eurovision is worth a look. Cronyism, an old boys’ network and pissing public money up the wall – all alive and well in the heart of Europe:
FYI: Coming soon! The next issue of Popbitch magazine:
http://bit.ly/1gpCo4C
Dolly Parton is writing a Charles Dickens’ themed musical to be performed at Dollywood this Xmas.
>> Hmmms <<
Carpets, control, Alcazar
Tumblr of the week – Why I Deleted Your Band’s Promo Email:
http://bit.ly/1D9ql5s
Tumblr of last week – (we cocked up the link) Wetherspoons Carpets
http://bit.ly/1Mfifub
Want delicious coffee delivered to your door? Try Pact for 1GBP! Use code POPBITCH2015 here:
http://bit.ly/1P2kM91
You’ve probably heard enough PR guff about Windows 10. Don’t get it just yet:
http://bit.ly/1KApuKS
One of our quiz regulars is crowdfunding for disabled kids:
http://bit.ly/1ILgtRN
A nice recap of Spy Magazine’s coverage of Donald Trump from the 80s and 90s:
https://bit.ly/1gowMYm
************************************
Thanks to: HB, PD, LT, JE, DD, deep-stoat, silencer, OWG, SB, thegingerprince, ourmaninkabul, mike_hunt
************************************
Old Jokes’ Home:
Q/ What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A/ Aye Matey.
Still Bored?
Want to take part in the Popbitch Fantasy Football League this year?
Code: 769225-189856
http://fantasy.premierleague.com
