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Club Trumpicana

 

NEW TEXT HERE Charts: Despacito is No 1 again
Get out and show London tourism some love! Here’s three deals:
1/ 99GBP Kensington hotel, inc wine on arrival and breakfast:
http://bit.ly/2naRyPB
2/ 50%+ off Rockwell at Trafalgar Hotel. 3 courses+bubbly 14.50GBP
http://bit.ly/2naKXEQ
3/ Sail the Thames on a tall-ship at Easter. 30% off ticket/drinks:
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“Tired of gratuitous sex, violence and cartoons?” – Sean Hannity
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* Out on the town with Donald Jr!
* Gary Lineker: Muffin-nobbler
* Charts: Ed Sheeran still No. 1
>> Hack to basics <<
How hard can journalism be?
 

It’s been a big week for people with no experience getting plum jobs in journalism. Not only is George Osborne due to take up the editorship at the Evening Standard, another person with great contacts has an exciting new job.

Emily Clarkson (daughter of Jeremy) has been given her own column in Fabulous, the Sun on Sunday’s supplement mag.

It’s not usually the sort of job you step straight into, but somehow reliable Rebekah Brooks has managed to sort it for her Chipping Norton buddy.

Still waiting on Cheryl’s baby. The first “baby bump” story we found was in the Daily Star, 9 May 2016. Which would make her gestation longer than a llama’s – nearing a sperm whale.
>> Sky’s the limit? <<
Media giants outdo each other
 

No matter how sensitive the story, you can usually rely on journalists to stomp all over it in their size nines. But with the terror attack in Westminster yesterday, we can’t decide who was most tone-deaf.

Was it the Guardian – who took the chance, while the newsroom was scrambling to cover the unfolding story, to let their journalists know there was going to be more redundancies?

Or was it Sky News – who had one senior member of staff post this update to Facebook: “I know it’s awful to say – but calling the shots in the Sky News Gallery was very good fun. Thoughts of course with the dead and injured…”?

In further grim news, Towers of London are recording a new album.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking?
 

Which Hollywood indie favourite, who cheated on his first wife with a model, is spending a fair bit of time visiting one particular strip bar? (Wonder if wife number two knows?)

Want to lose weight but don’t have the willpower? Slimpod works, even while you’re asleep. Give it a try with promo code POPBITCH20 and get 20% off any programme. More info: http://www.thinkingslimmer.com
>> Club Trumpicana <<
Don Jr is the Zodiac killjoy
 

Donald Trump Jnr may be acting tough on Twitter arguing with Sadiq Khan, but he hasn’t always been so brave.

Once when he visited Oxford, he decided he wanted to go to the Zodiac club. First he sent people in to check he could come in. Then he sent more people to sweep the venue before he finally turned up himself, surrounded by security. Don Jr headed straight for the “VIP” section but was so terrified of the people in there, and the general debauchery, that he turned round and walked straight out on his lime green heels. Sad!

Chelsea Clinton, on the other hand, used to go to the Disque Vogue night at the same club and happily dance the night away. (You could always tell where she was on the dancefloor due to the two large security men who would stand motionless on either side of her.)

If anyone’s keeping a list of all the people leaving Radio X, can you add Clint Boon to it? Cheers.
>> Rockefeller bank <<
Cheques and balances
 

weinerbalcony writes:
“I attended high school with a perfectly nice, well-adjusted and wealthy grandchild of David Rockefeller.

“For one of our English classes, we were required to bring in a cheque for $18.75 to pay for a handful of paperback books required for the course. But when our teacher came round to collect the cheques, this kid suddenly got very bashful and said he’d have to bring in a new cheque the following day, as the one he had was for the wrong amount.

“The night before, when he had asked his mother for a cheque for ‘eighteen seventy-five’ she, without reserve, wrote one out for $1,875.”

Congratulations to the contestant on Wheel Of Fortune this week who asked for a ‘K’ when faced with “A STREETCAR NA_ED DESIRE”
>> The muffin scam <<
Lineker: junk-food thief
 

Anyone who thinks Gary Lineker might have turned a corner since his days of stealing people’s crisps on adverts for Walkers, we’re afraid we have some bad news. He is still on the rob.

On Tuesday, at a Starbucks in Barnes, Lineker and friend appeared to be struggling with their bags as they left. They placed them down on someone else’s table to get themselves together, but it was only when they had gone did the gracious table-sharing customers spot that, along with their bags, they’d taken a lemon muffin.

A lemon muffin that belonged to an eight year old girl.

FOR SHAME, GARY LINEKER!

Popbitch’s favourite animal doctor, from Southend’s Companion Care Vets… is Dr Peter Chiwawa.
>> Glasgow miss <<
Milo: laid out by Cable
 

Panto villain and paedo-defender Milo Yiannopoulos came fourth in the recent vote for Glasgow Uni Rector. Which maybe sounds like a minor victory for the bad boy of the internet – but to put it into a bit of context:

Milo got two votes fewer than the former business secretary, Vince Cable – a politician who was directly responsible for trebling the cost of university tuition fees. Meaning that the students actually preferred a guy who has literally cost many of them 18 grand each.

FYI: Vince and Milo both got a mere 10% of the vote of eventual winner, Aamer Anwar.

Michael Gove wears socks with a skull and crossbones motif.
>> Chuck buried <<
You never can tell…
 

Chuck Berry was always the consummate rock star. When he released his autobiography he went on a book tour to promote it and uber-agent Caroline Michel turned up to accompany him on his travels. Chuck had no idea who she was and simply assumed his publishers had sent her to give him a blow job on the plane.

She politely declined, and refused to fly with him.

Chuck’s Johnny B Goode is on the Golden Record on NASA’s Voyager spacecraft. EMI refused permission for Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles to be included.
>> ‘Til death us do Vard <<
The Poundland Posh’n’Becks
 

What with all the stories about Jamie Vardy’s role in Claudio Ranieri’s sacking, we worried the negativity might derail the plans for the Hollywood biopic.

On the contrary though, it seems Jamie and Rebekah have managed to turn the whole thing into a chance to grab a few sympathetic headlines. Their people have been touting stories about Jamie receiving death threats and how Rebekah was “almost forced off the road” by fans.

Thankfully, the indefatigable Mrs V was extremely stoic, back out in public immediately with friendly paps in tow. (The same ones who always seem to keep Karen Danczuk in the news, by complete coincidence…)

FYI: Last we heard of the film, James Corden was tipped to play Jamie, Meghan Markle as Rebekah and “ambitious plans are in place for Danny Boyle and Guy Ritchie to be director.” Not bad for a film by the screenwriter of Goal! and Goal 2: Living The Dream.

According to the Guardian, German footballer Mario Gotze has the great nickname “Pummelfee”. Which translates as “Chubby Fairy”.
>> ‘Vision impaired <<
Putin one over on Ukraine
 

If you’re impressed with the way that Russia is tying American politics in knots right now, Act II is currently taking place with Eurovision.

Remember last May, when Russia had the big favourite to win, but lost out to Ukraine’s trip-hop number about Stalin deporting the Tatars from Crimea? That really put one over on Putin, right?

Well, this year Russia are showing how you play a proper PR masterstroke.

They selected a young singer in a wheelchair. One who’d played a gig in Crimea last year – an action, it turns out, that is against local laws. So the hosts have banned her from the song contest, making Ukraine the bad guys and somehow Russia have become the downtrodden disability-championing goodies.

FYI: Meanwhile…
http://bit.ly/2mvQn05

Media Masters podcast. Heidi Dawson (Editor) BBC Radio 5 Live, on the move to Salford, podcasting and the station’s blokish reputation:
http://bit.ly/2o8V6RL
>> Hmmms <<
CPR, Clunes, piss-tapes
 

The most unsatisfying video in the world:
http://bit.ly/2nMGYlh

A playlist of songs to do CPR to (though maybe ignore Another One Bites The Dust):
http://spoti.fi/2mvZCh0

Martin Clunes really wants to find this dog:
http://bit.ly/2mXYM8O

This celebrity branding expert “reveals the people, products and brands that do it best – from YouTube sensations like Pew Die Pie to taxi-hailing app Uber”. Presumably doesn’t read the news then:
http://bit.ly/2mXKlBG

Is the iPad over?
http://bit.ly/2mTQwpz

Someone’s made the Trump piss-tape in claymation:
http://bit.ly/2nV7ENc

“I guess I can’t be doing so badly, because I’m president and you’re not. You know?”
http://ti.me/2ngoSXl

Thanks to: MC, posh_duckhunter, AN, pigcity, richjohnston, SJ, O-dog, deep_stoat, LEW, JS, ulysses, FB
Old Jokes Home:
I hate getting old. I was at a lap-dancing club last night and as I tucked a tenner into her underwear she whispered, “Come upstairs with me and I’ll give you super sex.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll have the soup.”

Still Bored?
Need a special lift today? Watch orphaned sea otter cubs being fluffed:
http://bbc.in/2mvXEgs

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