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“I believe that most ailments come from having an acidic body” – Elle Macpherson
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|_| |_|30.04.15 ISSUE 736
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* Tenderising Taliban beef
* Remembering Keith Harris
* Charts: Wiz K still no 1
>> One night Stan <<
Collymore’s knicker oil
TV football pundits are incredibly competitive with each other – all jostling to be seen as the most popular, the most important. But at last summer’s World Cup in Brazil, there was only one winner. The one who managed to hang out with the most beautiful Brazilian girls: Stan Collymore.
He would just need to say a few words in Portuguese and that would be it. The magic phrase? “Come here and sit with me, I’m famous.”
The single that sold the highest number of physical copies last week? The UK Eurovision horror – Still In Love With You.
>> Gove machine <<
Ready to lose your lunch?
Michael Gove has been playing a quiet and rather subdued role in the recent election campaign. But from what we hear, that’s a little out of character.
Someone who had the pleasure of knowing him before he met his wife says that Gove was very vocal in bed. He didn’t like a single one of his sexual policies to go unexplained – narrating and describing everything that he was doing, and everything that he planned to do…
Britney is releasing a cover of Tom’s Diner, with Giorgio Moroder. (It’s not as good as it sounds.)
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Some of the people who work with which globally famous sports star really shouldn’t be talking so loudly about putting bets on when he’s coming out, should they?
Is there any celebrity more vacuous than Khloe Kardashian? Her tweets this week – “Pray for Baltimore” and “Sweat is fat crying!!”
Microsoft has updated Office 2013’s dictionary. It now recognises Game of Thrones words like Daenerys and Tyrion. But not Dothraki.
>> Number of the beasts <<
The future of media pt 352
After countless front pages, column inches, TV and global online publicity – Ed Miliband’s interview on Russell Brand’s YouTube channel has had about 550,000 views.
Every weeknight the BBC’s flagship political show, Newsnight, slated for its falling ratings and niche audience, has about… 550,000 viewers.
Incredible fact from Diane Sawyer’s interview – Californian transgender celeb Bruce Jenner outed himself… as a conservative Republican.
>> Taxing matters <<
One rule for the Rich…
Nile Rogers’ We Are Family Foundation gala took place in New York this week. The well-meaning non-profit is staffed and run mainly by volunteers, so it must have been a little galling for them to see who Nile chose to be photographed with on the red carpet – Denise Rich.
Rich (who wrote Frankie for Sister Sledge but is probably better known for getting Bill Clinton to pardon her tax- evading fugitive ex-husband, Marc Rich) chose to give up her US citizenship in 2013, becoming an Austrian citizen instead.
Not only did she save millions in tax by renouncing her US citizenship, but Austria also gives tax breaks to those who spend half their year abroad. Talk about win-win!
Poor Gary Barlow. The grand total of Tony nominations for his new musical Finding Neverland? None.
>> The Moo-jahideen <<
Tenderising Taliban beef
What do you do when your supply of young, wannabe suicide bombers starts to dry up? Well, the favoured tactic in rural Afghanistan is for Taliban commanders to pick out a suitable candidate and then gang-rape them. One man arrested for trying to blow up a police station told his captors that he had been raped repeatedly by local Taliban officials and was instructed to carry out the attack “to wash off his sins”.
As recruitment tactics go it’s pretty grim, but what we really can’t figure out is what their colleagues in the far north-east province of Afghanistan might have been trying to achieve. An intelligence service report described a gang-rape in that region. Of cows.
Sophie Ellis-Bextor DJed the Bugsy Malone premiere this week. Among the tracks she spun: Murder on the Dancefloor by Sophie Ellis-Bextor.
**** Mini Green Duck Special ****
>> Harris screed <<
It’s all about Keith
Until we read Keith Harris’ obituary we never knew what comedy gold truly was. The puppeteer poignantly said “Everybody knows Orville, not everybody knows Keith Harris”. We’re here to put that right: Keith Harris – This is your life.
1. Started out aged six, sitting on his father’s knee pretending to be a puppet called Isiah, “because one eye’s higher than the other” (boom boom!)
2. When his puppet maker first made Orville, Harris hated him, but kept him when the girls in the next door dressing room said he was lovely.
3. Introduced the puppet Cuddles the Monkey to channel his hatred for the bird.
4. When the TV work dried up Harris spiralled into depression and contemplated suicide. By drowning himself in a duck pond.
5. Despite being declared bankrupt twice he heroically turned down the chance to be in Ricky Gervais’ Extras as he thought the script was “pure filth”.
6. Recently tried to get back into TV, suggesting a show where Cuddles and Orville teach children manners. It was rejected.
Post punk band Pale Fountains were bumped from TOTP in 1982. They never quite got over that their replacement was Keith Harris and Orville.
>> Joke Central <<
Duck & run for cover…
Q: What’s green and empty?
A: Orville’s bum.
Q: Whats green and pointless?
A: The Green Party.
“I don’t steal other people’s jokes,” said Keith Chegwin.
“No, he’d never do that,” added Orville from his knee.
RIP Keith Harris – the only bloke on the BBC ever to get away with fisting a young bird.
Other than Jimmy Savile.
SK writes: “Met Keith Harris in Blackpool. Asked for a picture with him. He said no. Miserable bastard.”
>> Puppetry of the penis <<
RIP Keith Harris, old chap
ccbaxter writes:
“A friend told me that Keith Harris, of Orville fame, hit on her when she was a dancer in a pantomime they were in. After a few drinks he got her back to his dressing room, and said ‘There’s someone I’d like you to meet’. He then proceeded to unzip his trousers, remove his old chap and make it talk. Not just talk, but ‘sexy talk’. For at least five minutes.
“She left.”
The registration on Keith Harris’ car was OR V1L.
**** End of Green Duck Special ****
>> Diva Las Vegas <<
Mariah’s priorities
Mariah Carey’s Las Vegas residency starts next week. She shocked a load of people by showing up for the press call looking pretty amazing – but, privately, some of her people are cacking it.
Ever since she split from chancer-husband Nick Cannon they’ve found it increasingly hard to get the star to focus. On small things, mainly – you know, like her vocal exercises and her stage performance (etc…)
But fans will be pleased to hear that Mimi’s commitment to the truly important things (shopping/drinking Champagne) remains undimmed.
CBB Catch-Up 1: Everyone’s favourite gerontophile, Courtney Stodden, is taking her career into her own hands and releasing a solo sex tape.
>> Atomic, bombed <<
Universal derision
BBC2/BBC4 boss Kim Shillinglaw is keeping up the time-honoured tradition of Beeb execs talking impenetrable bullshit.
Her attempt to explain the difference between her two fairly-similar channels?
“BBC2 brings you the universe and BBC4 brings you the atom”.
Glad that’s cleared that one up.
CBB Catch-Up 2: Jeremy Jackson (aka Hobie from Baywatch) was arrested in LA last weekend on suspicion of stabbing a man.
>> Popbits <<
2015’s official earworm
Not long now until Bills by Lunchmoney Lewis gets released here. It’s got Afrojack’s sense of fun, Cee-lo Green’s energy plus a killer piano riff.
FYI: Lunchmoney Lewis’ dad was in 90s reggae band Inner Circle and wrote Sweat (A La La La La Long).
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Help Joe Burgess’ friends raise money for the Air Ambulance in his memory:
http://bit.ly/1DMswqc
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>> Hmmms <<
Tokyo, Grindr, Ramsay
Because there’s nothing funnier than having your joke explained back to you:
http://yesthatsthejoke.tumblr.com/
Crowdfund a Tokyo magazine; get taken to the Cat Cafe:
http://bit.ly/1dtyjdT
Anti-gay Republican legislator outed via sending pictures on Grindr – Mr Randy Boehning:
http://bit.ly/1Fz9Sqz
Kudos to Jay Rayner for highlighting the weird legal wranglings of celebrity chefs:
http://bit.ly/1HRHSyx
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Thanks: fayekorgasm, RM, ccbaxter, Office-Watch, monstris, AP, MLC, SK, J, deep-stoat, LT, ulysses, theabominablehoman, G, kerching
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Old Jokes Home:
I’ve just played the UKIP
version of Cluedo.
It was the immigrants,
all the time, everywhere.
Still Bored?
How the election will play out –
according to Grindr:
http://on.mash.to/1FyjUrQ
