******************************
Never drink bad coffee again! Pact Coffee will send you a 250g bag for just ONE POUND w/ free P&P, a saving of £5.95 (future bags £6.95, delivered when you need them) Simply use code PB2016 on sign-up.
******************************
“I think I am actually humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand” – Donald Trump
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| ‘_ \ / _ \| ‘_ \| ‘_ \| | __/ __| ‘_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_|21.07.16 ISSUE 795
Free email every week
Subscribe http://eepurl.com/XSZoP
Email stories hello@popbitch.com
* Dry-socketing: Hollywood is gross
* Clegg and Hamilton’s secret songs
* Charts: Draaaaaaaaaaaaake. Still.
>> Down under-performing <<
Stalling for a second time
The bad news for Top Gear just keeps on coming.
The first episode of the recent Chris Evans/Matt LeBlanc-fronted series debuted last night in Australia. It was placed in a primetime evening slot on the highest rated channel but only managed to pull 161,000 viewers.
Not only is that beyond dismal for the timeslot and channel, it was absolutely smashed in the ratings by… Peppa Pig.
Happy birthday to Paloma Faith – 18, 21, 30 and 35 today!
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s prolapsing this week?
Which Oscar-nominated actor is a big fan of a sexual practice known as “dry-socketing”? He likes his ladies good and dry down there for added friction. His preferred method of… ahem, ‘dehumidifying’ his lady friends is by plopping a sock on the end of his chap and sending it up there a few times before commencing properly.
*******************************
Jeff Lynne’s ELO comes to Wembley Stadium, 24th June 2017. Popbitch readers can enjoy the best seats in the house with VIP hospitality packages available from £249pp inc VAT). Call Harry Thorne on 0208 795 9540 or more info here
*******************************
>> Royal courtship <<
It’s a small price toupée
Since he ditched his long-time publicist last December, Elton John has had a hell of a time keeping his name out of the papers. First there was that disgruntled security guard who claimed Elton was trying to get his “todger” out. Then the hairdresser who took him to a tribunal over sexual harassment, which lead to an unsuccessful tangle at the Court of Appeal with the Sun on Sunday.
It’s clear he can’t manage this alone – so who has he turned to for advice in these trying times? Paddy Harverson, who until recently was the Communications Secretary to Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall.
Finally, the chance to work for a proper queen!
Police in Croydon claim the district is “the third best place in the country for dogging.”
>> Raking over old Cole <<
Politics: not a grimy business
It’s a good job that the youth vote naturally skewed towards Remain because David Cameron had absolutely no idea how to court the kids.
A few weeks before the vote, one voice was heard echoing around the halls of Number 10 saying: “We’ve got Lily Cole on board, but what we really need is a grime artist. Does anybody know any grime artists?”
Around 10 million of the world’s 15 million puffins live in Iceland, where raw puffin heart is eaten as a delicacy.
>> Eyes on the prize <<
Tayloring your relationship
Since the phone-hacking scandal, tabloids have had to clamp down on using private investigators to get celebrity information – but private investigators have since found a lucrative new stream of clients: celebrities themselves.
The hottest new person to put on your payroll is a PI. Not to get back at the tabloids, but to gather information on fellow celebrities instead – something which is especially helpful when setting up your latest celeb romance.
It takes a bit of explaining so (using lightning-rod-of-the-moment, Taylor Swift, as our purely hypothetical example) we’ll tell you all about it here.
Men in Ancient Greece men bummed each other so much that brides in Argos wore false beards on their wedding night to help their husbands adjust. Hence the term “beard”.
>> Long-armed and dangerous <<
Trump’s small hand-me-downs
After Spy Magazine branded him a “short-fingered vulgarian” back in the 80s, there’s been a lot of talk about Donald Trump’s tiny hands – but new information has since come to light which suggests it might be an optical illusion.
Melania Trump’s dad (Mr Knavs) gets hand-me-down clothes from The Donald, but Mr Knavs had to take two of Trump’s leather jackets to a shop in Slovenia for some alterations – because the sleeves were too long.
So maybe the reason Trump’s hands look so tiny is because they’re attached to the end of such weirdly long arms?
What is it about hotel magnates and naming their sons? Trump’s son with Melania = Barron. Conrad Hilton’s son and heir = Barron.
>> Tax Shun Heroes <<
Popbitch Magazine: Issue 26
The July edition of Popbitch Magazine is out now, and is filled to the brim with loads more exclusive stories and silliness – including:
* A brief history of celeb sex dwarf deaths
* Tax dodging: the dickheads who do it, and the films it helped fund
* The Popbitch Guide to the New Conservative Cabinet
* PLUS: Max Clifford’s secret safe, the wit and wisdom of Johnny Borrell, crazy Russian cinema and much, much more…
Previews and downloads here
*******************************
Brexit Britain – celebrate or drown your sorrows with a fine selection of European wines. The Popbitch Mixed Case Offer includes a Gareth Bale, a Dmitri Payet, a Sophie Loren and a Ken Clarke. Curious? Take a look and buy a case.
*******************************
>> Spinal Tap II <<
Hamilton: The Musical
Reports and rumours about Lewis Hamilton’s secret R&B album have been circling since at least 2012 – with various collaborators and even Hamilton himself dropping hints about its existence for years now. So where is it?
Well, it seems like some of it sneaked out last year, but the American TV show 60 Minutes – apparently unaware that they were sat on the pop music scoop of the century – resigned the clips of Hamilton playing a bemused Charlie Rose previews of his jams to their online-only ‘Overtime’ show.
Want to see Lewis Hamilton in the studio? Of course you do.
Lewis has been hanging out with Leon Anderson, most famous so far for a Sun sting in which he was accused of getting drugs for the Fake Sheikh, as a dry run for the Tulisa story.
>> Hankering <<
We miss Nick Clegg
Lewis Hamilton isn’t the only one with a secret pop career. The Times’ Red Box reports that, back before the 2015 general election, Nick Clegg recorded an £8,000 shot-for-shot remake of Carly Rae Jepsen’s video for I Really Like You – taking the part made famous by Tom Hanks.
The video has been (wisely, if regrettably) shelved, but if anyone thinks that it’s an obscene waste of party funds, relax. Nick Clegg is the Lib Dem’s fourth biggest donor – having handed over £14,300 this year alone, which more than covers.
And therefore means that Nick Clegg has basically paid to film his very own Carly Rae Jepsen parody video.
Calum Best is signed up to star in a new film from the people behind Strippers v Werewolves. Thrillingly, it’s about London gangsterzzzz…
>> Parlez-vous Popbitch? <<
Sorry: still the hardest word
Refusing to admit wrongdoing and dodging giving an apology is a tricky art to master, but we’ve been given two great new lines this week – ones that will no doubt prove to be very useful for years to come.
“I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative” – Taylor Swift’s rephrasing of the classic “No comment”
“It would really take me too long to engage in a fully global itinerary of apology to all concerned” – Boris Johnson’s latest reworking of “Sorry, not sorry”
Melania Trump: take note(s).
*****************************
Media Masters Podcast: What happens when you appoint a 28 year-old PR guy as editor of a daily newspaper? City AM did just that. Hear how it worked.
*****************************
>> Hmmms <<
Clicks, coffee, Nic Cage
If you haven’t yet played the Southern Rail game, get on it.
Russian Eurovision dude Sergey Lazarev’s new song.
Trump v Clinton, measured in terms of Facebook likes.
Nic Cage pillowcase, anyone?
Shots of espresso in one go needed to kill you? 110-120.
Donald Trump Jnr’s extraordinary insight into a Trump presidency.
Want to join Popbitch’s fantasy football league. Use this link and get auto-added.
************************************
Thanks to: S, ANM, kerching, AMM, G, poshduckhunter, misterman, HN, TJ, J, whitemaninhammersmithpalais
************************************
Old Jokes Home:
I went to the doctor for a check up. He said, “How many times a week do you masturbate, roughly?”
“Never”. I answered. “I always do it gently.”