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Xmas party coming up? Clients or staff to entertain? The Popbitch Quiz Team can put on the perfect private or corporate event. Gossip, trivia, an accordion and play-doh. What more could you need? Email stuff@popbitch.com for more info.
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“I have this thing where I’m sort of in a relationship with my little dog” – Tulisa
“Even if I order an Indian, I have to have pizza” – Tulisa
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|_| |_|01.09.17 ISSUE 799
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* David Bowie’s Greek chic
* The return of Rebecca Black
* Charts: Bieber v Chainsmokers
>> QT patootie <<
A touch of foot in mouth
It can be a tricky task keeping things fresh and exciting in the bedroom, so it’s nice to see that Quentin Tarantino has started to branch out beyond his well-known foot fetish and is experimenting with some new sexual experiences.
Now, as well as having a lady stick her toes in his mouth while he tugs away, he likes to have a second lady present to massage his face.
Remember Japanese game show Takeshi’s Castle? In Spain it is titled “Humor Amarillo”. The direct translation of which is “Yellow Comedy”.
>> Essex education <<
Not much chance of a reem job
Celebrities will often talk about how selfish and self-destructive cocaine once made them, but very few talk about the other, more practical dangers it can pose.
A stewardess for a large airline recently got a pretty grim lesson in the side effects after becoming a bit friendly with one of the members of the TOWIE cast out in Dubai. He got himself so gakked up that he lost control of his more delicate functions and ended up soiling his bedsheets in a rather spectacular fashion.
(The exact word used to describe the sheets was “awash”)
Nominative Determinism Of The Week: The Daily Mail’s astrologer Jonathan Cainer died from a heart attack… after taking too much cocaine.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
A smartphone video is apparently being shopped around from a party at a TV chef’s country house showing which hard-partying celebrity so off her face she decides she wants to shave her head, a la Britney in 2007?
Thankfully her friends managed to talk her out of it.
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Tonight – find out how your car can earn you up to GBP3,000 a year with easyCar Club, the Airbnb for cars:
http://bit.ly/easycar_club Hear from real easyCar Club members at our community event today, 5:30pm in Wandsworth. FREE food and drink! RSVP: http://bit.ly/eccparty
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>> Who’s who? <<
The Doctor and the Dame
Before our summer break, we told you a cute little story about Matt Smith trying to fly under the radar when he’s out and about. Apparently his big trick at festivals is to go with his face painted like a tiger, as he finds people are more inclined to say “That guy with the tiger face looks a bit like Matt Smith, doesn’t he?”
But full face-paint seems like an awful lot of effort to go to if you want to go unnoticed. Perhaps he should take a leaf out of David Bowie’s book? When Bowie wanted to walk around New York without being pestered, he would take a Greek language newspaper out with him, so anyone who stopped to say hello would see it and then second guess themselves.
ELO’s Best Of Collection was number one last week with sales under 8,000 making it the lowest-selling chart-topper in UK history.
>> Brand Beckham <<
Like father, like son
Brooklyn Beckham may have inherited his parents’ good looks, but it seems he’s been afflicted with their stage presence too.
Enlisted as a global ambassador for the Huawei Honor 8, Brooklyn appeared at the smartphone’s launch in San Francisco earlier this month. After showing the crowd a “cool” video in which he skateboards, plays keepy-uppy and shaves his friend’s head, Brooklyn was asked to say a few words.
What did he say? “It’s the best camera I’ve used on a camera.”
Shortly followed by, “Err, on a phone. Sorry.”
Ann Coulter in full swivel-eye mode this morning: “I hear Churchill had a nice turn of phrase, but Trump’s immigration speech is the most magnificent speech ever given.”
>> Sofa, so good <<
Cushioning the blow
Now the Guardian has completed its latest round of redundancies they have finally been able to unveil the semi-secret sofas we told you about a while back – the ones that have languished in the basement for months.
The sofas cost a whopping 36K, and were therefore kept out of sight so as not to rub anyone’s noses in it – but they weren’t quite the big secret that senior staff thought they were.
For months, it’s been a bit of an in-joke for Guardianistas to head down to the basement to enjoy a little bit of private ‘recreational’ time on them.
Fingers crossed they don’t need to fork out for any dry cleaning for the stains that resulted from such illicit use. It might be the thing that finally brings the shutters down.
Odessa battles Kyiv to host 2017’s Eurovision. Odessa Governor (and ex-President of Georgia) Mikhail
Saakashvili is campaigning hard.
>> Local interest <<
A regional round-up
What with the unending political shitshow unfolding both here and abroad, this year’s silly season has been a distinctly unfunny one.
It’s a shame, because there’s been plenty of great local news over the summer which has gone largely under-reported because of Trump, Corbyn, Clinton and Brexit.
So here’s some of the best.
Pensioner’s Huge Cock In Front Garden Is Tourist Attraction:
http://bit.ly/2ct4vmH
Man Caught On Camera Having A Poo In A Bag In Middle Of Skegness Street:
http://bit.ly/2bTa2hm
Sex Pigs Halt Traffic After Laser Attack On Pokemon Teens:
http://bit.ly/2bVRPE6
According to a new biography by Washington Post journalists, Donald Trump has started more than 1,900 lawsuits in the last 30 years.
>> Pap smears <<
Blake’s making frenemies
It’s not news to tell you that, for decades now, celebrities and paparazzi have worked in close association. Some photo agencies’ entire business models are based on taking “candid” shots of stars which have been entirely set up by the celebs themselves (who then take a cut of the profits the paps make from selling to the media).
But US paps are getting irked by the entitled behaviour of the new Hollywood set though. Not only do modern celebs expect paps to pay for their own airfare and hotels, they are demanding ever higher percentages of the photos’ licensing fees.
Then, to really top it off, the actors turn both barrels on the paps in the press. Some who have been involved in exactly these sorts of arrangements have been giving blistering interviews recently, complaining about how they just can’t get any privacy.
Their least favourite right now for this? Blake Lively.
Biggest animated film in North Korea currently? Tangled.
>> Popbits <<
Music for the masses
* Remember Friday by Rebecca Black? Well, Black is back and she’s sounding almost EXACTLY like Katy Perry.
* Kiefer Sutherland has a country album out and the lead single, Not Enough Whiskey, is honestly not as appalling as you’d expect.
* Craig David has continued his good run of singles – which bodes well for his new album, Following My Intuition, which is out at the end of the month.
Nawty sleb spot – Danny Dyer in Stratford John Lewis buying something from men’s accessories. “He was incredibly loud, but very polite”.
>> Northern droll <<
Keeping up with the Smiths
Craig Gill, the drummer from The Inspiral Carpets, now runs music tours of Manchester. Last Saturday he gave two ‘Morrissey and The Smiths’ tours. The morning one had 85 people on it, and highlights of the tour include Strangeways Prison, Salford Lads Club, Morrissey’s childhood home and the Southern Cemetery.
Comedy moment of the tour? This joke from Craig:
“What does Morrissey have in his sandwiches?
“I don’t know, but Marr might!”
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On this week’s Media Focus Podcast, master inquisitor Matthew Stadlen reveals the art of the celebrity interview. Listen to it here: http://bit.ly/2bUckkG
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>> Hmmms <<
Wombats, winkies, Jeppers
A Virtual Anus Simulator – for all your wireframe buggery needs:
http://en.inkei.net/anus/v/
Steven Seagal eating carrots with Belarusian dictator:
http://bit.ly/2ct8xvk
Nice New Yorker piece on Carly Rae Jepsen, “Queen of Making a Triangle by Placing Arm on Hip:”
http://bit.ly/2bEkK0f
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Thanks to: T, spank_daley, MS, R, flobbit, bad horsey, The Earl Of Essex, Blessed_Brian, opus, JS, AA, NW, tinks, major_bloodnok
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Old Jokes Home:
Sigmund Freud walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Sigmund, why the long penis? …I mean FACE!”
Still Bored?
Need a good read for the weekend? The latest issue of the Popbitch magazine is out now! Download here:
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