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“I’m not going to sit on the fence, I’m going to go for a draw here today” – Jamie Redknapp
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|_| |_| 24.11.16 ISSUE 809
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* Meowing through letterboxes
* Liberian ice-cream gets political
* Charts: Clean Bandit hanging on
>> Friends in dry places <<
Standing alongside the banks
Now that we’ve finally shaken ourselves free from the grasp of the political elite and the corrupt mainstream media – here’s a fun little story…
Remember a few years back, when Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng had a christening ceremony for their daughters on the bank of the River Jordan? Well, you’ll never guess who was standing shoulder to shoulder with Tony Blair, Google’s Larry Page and Queen Rania of Jordan? Self-styled people-of-the-people, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump!
Drain the swamp! MAGA! (etc)
In true Trump style, Ivanka tweeted “Went swimming in the Dead Sea with my husband and our buoyancy was even greater than expected!”
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
The Sun have been going in hard on Wayne Rooney these last few weeks, but it’s not as if you’d ever get any News UK staffers behaving in an inappropriate way on a work trip, would you?
(Oh, except for the time that one of their best-known showbiz hounds was taken on a PR trip to Ibiza to cover the opening of the Pushca Meets Trade club. He turned up at check-in with an unexpected blonde on his arm, for whom the club had to book an extra flight. Upon arrival he disappeared completely, only turning up at the club he had been taken to cover to buy some gear, before disappearing off again. The rest of the party didn’t see him until the airport for the flight home.)
A Czech lesson for Boris Johnson: the word for bollocks is “phe!” You could also use “kecas!” which is closer to bullshit.
>> Cats and dogs, pt I <<
A stalk on the wild side
Celebrity stalking is back in fashion, and shows no signs of getting any less weird.
Hackney resident Mark Revill has been up in court this week, on charges of stalking Keira Knightley. Mark admitted to sending the actress pictures of cats winking, compiling a USB mixtape of “cat-themed” music and creeping up to her front door to make meowing noises through her letterbox (forcing her husband to open the door and chase him off down the road).
For Keira’s sake, we do hope that this is the end of it – but, Keira, if you’re reading: if you want to prevent this sort of thing from happening again, leave some lemon rind in your flowerbeds. Usually does the trick.
Spotted last night at Stewart Lee’s show – Elisabeth Murdoch with a big group of friends.
>> Cats and dogs, pt II <<
Aussies doing it doggy style
It was quite a week for weird animal-themed court cases. Also up in the dock was Jenna Louise Driscoll, a 27 year old woman from Brisbane.
She was charged with a string of offences including biting a child, stabbing a woman with a fork and having sex with her dog. Three times.
The court heard how her lover had asked her to send him a video of the “dirtiest thing she could think of” – and boy, did she deliver. She sent him pictures and video of her having sex with their dog.
Before telling him in increasingly forlorn texts that the dog was now hiding under the bed and she couldn’t coax him out: “He won’t do it I can’t get him to do it, what’s wrong with me”?
According to chief UKIP-botherer Michael Crick, one third of all UKIP’s MEPs have either now quit the party or been expelled.
>> Radio Mike <<
Zero hours research
“Move over 1Xtra! Radar Radio is the real home of the UK’s future taste-makers…”
In a long, gushing piece about the radio station in this week’s Guardian, Radar founder Ollie Ashley got the chance to do a lot of PR for his radio station. It was weird, though, that they found no space to explain where Radar Radio gets its money.
It’s been funded by Ollie’s dad, Mike Ashley. The same Mike Ashley whose employment practices at Sports Direct (which helps pump money into Radar) are often criticised on their front page.
Mauricio Pochettino’s Spurs press conference today – hacks asking if he has any advice for Mrs May on how to get out of Europe quickly.
>> TV Betting <<
IACGMOOH explained
Evictions start in the jungle tomorrow, but who should you be backing to win it? Every year we trot out the stats:
* 2/3 winners have been male
* Age is not really a factor
* TV stars do best (but sports stars are also popular)
* Last year’s Top 3 were all from other reality shows
Going on the data alone, Adam Thomas and Scarlett Moffatt would be smart money. Adam is on 13-8; Scarlett’s 2-1 – but it’s worth nothing that with IACGMOOH, the bookies’ favourite often doesn’t win.
So if you want a tip for an outsider… Wayne Bridge.
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>> Cold comfort <<
Election humour in Liberia
In Monrovia, capital of Liberia, there’s a popular ice-cream shop near the airfield, Nice Cream.
Their most popular flavour is The Obama (a dark chocolate) but they’ve just added a new one – a bright orange mango recipe – which is getting a lot of attention.
It’s called The Trump.
New Hampshire is the only US state where Google searches for “Trump Policies” outnumbered searches for “Melania Trump nude” in the 30 days before the election.
>> Art Nouveau <<
Cool Britannia goes cold
So much for the raucous, rebellious firebrands of the Young British Art scene. Everything has gone and got a little bit sedate with the YBA set.
The menu at Gavin Turk’s new opening was entirely vegan, including a vegan jelly for dessert (which ended up being piled up in front of Gavin at the end of the night because guests all refused to touch it).
Jay Joplin also threw a bit of a party in honour of the latest Anself Kiefer show at the White Cube. The drink of choice for people at the free bar? A tee-total cocktail of tonic water and angostura bitters, which apparently tastes “just like booze”.
Donald Trump’s daughter with Marla Maples, Tiffany, was named after the store right next to Trump Tower, Tiffany & Co.
>> Queen’s English <<
The poetry of Freddie
It’s been 25 years to the day since Freddie Mercury died, and the world of pop remains all the poorer without him.
Peter Freestone was Freddie’s personal assistant for the last years of his life and remembers that one of the things he had to do was always keep paper and pen to hand.
“On a flight across America, Freddie said ‘Write this down: “Cunt stains on my pillow”.’ I immediately said that he couldn’t use that word and, so we tried some others. Some days later, the song became Life Is Real.”
60% of apps in the Google Play app store have never been downloaded.
>> Nanny state <<
Desmond is child careless
Daily Express proprietor Richard Desmond may have had his tongue spleen-deep in Nigel Farage for the last few years, but Dirty Dick actually has a lot more in common with David Cameron than he probably realises.
Desmond was recently spotted in Majorca enjoying a meal with his wife, kids and nanny. They were obviously known to the staff as they were kissing and hugging waiters and generally treating the place like a friend’s living room, their kids running wild.
And when it came to leave, he strolled along the promenade seemingly unaware that he had left his son, Valentine, at the restaurant.
The nanny had to dash back to pick him up.
Over the past two years, 76 Indians have died taking selfies. (For comparison: Pakistan nine deaths, USA eight and Russia six.)
>> Light entertainment <<
Lincoln was the place to be
Kerry Katona turned on the Lincoln Xmas lights last week.
It was quite a coup, as last year they had a Gary Barlow tribute act slated to do the big switch-on but he had to pull out (meaning they ended up getting a Gary Barlow tribute act tribute act in to do it).
But don’t worry if you missed out, it wasn’t A-list all the way. Entertainment came from an Olly Murs tribute act.
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Media Masters Podcast: This week with Alan Murray, Chief Content Officer at Time Inc. Listen here: http://bit.ly/2gjUXap
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>> Hmmms <<
Pangolins, priests, pranks
Smuggled pangolins to be saved by giant rats:
http://bit.ly/2ggvcYe
The interestingly-named son of Withnail & I’s Bruce Robinson makes records:
https://youtu.be/MUZQbwtZdeM
A compilation of videos of Rihanna getting pranked by her friends:
http://bit.ly/2fbtgV5
Every year the orthodox priest calendar gets steamier. 2017 is the year of the PILF: Priests I’d Like To…
https://www.orthodox-calendar.com
The Lovehoney Sex Toy Advent Calendar – 240GBP of sexy gifts for 120GBP:
http://bit.ly/2ggxQ0m
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Thanks to: SG, TB, NE PC, NP, monstris, Chewbacca’s Dad
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Old Jokes Home:
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.
Although I laugh slightly louder.
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