Mott In Our Name

Fair enough. We all have our limits. But it seems as if we don’t just owe him an apology; we owe you all an apology – because the story wasn’t strictly accurate.

According to someone else, who’s been told the story by Carling himself, Carling didn’t ask Diana to shave her growler at all.

He asked her to shave her “mott”.

That leaves label boss Ashley Tabor with a hole he’ll be eager to fill – but who will take the position?

Bell Pottinger made their name defending the indefensible – yet now that they’re facing financial ruin and potential closure, where are the ungrateful shitbags they’ve represented over the years?

Oscar Pistorius. Rolf Harris. Rebekah Brooks. Asma al-Assad. Alexander Lukashenko. BAE. Trafigura. All too good to return a favour, are you?

So the palace security convoy that Harry used to use when going to pick up his gear can probably expect to be a little bit busier once the baby arrives.

The Beeb should maybe tread a little more lightly. It didn’t escape our notice that the first episode of their new rival show, The Big Family Cooking Showdown, featured the Swedish Marks family – including mum, Jessica.

Or as we know her better (from her previous adverts in Popbitch) Jessica Andersson: proprietor of Jessica’s Recipes Bag, a professional meal-planning service.

It’s bound to attract the brightest and best, what with Murdoch’s fantastic track record in the digital world. Past glories include MySpace (bought for $580m in 2005; sold for $35m in 2011) and FiredUp.com – an auction site that was aimed at taking down eBay.

Known internally as FuckedUp.com, News UK bosses spent so much money on hiring Bruce Willis to front an advert for the site that they had no money left to spend on airtime afterwards; a miscalculation that meant virtually no-one ended up seeing the ad.

They spent what was left on a huge billboard outside their Wapping HQ to advertise the site and surrounded the billboard by flames – a disruptive, maverick gimmick to capture people’s attention. Which it did. So much so that the fire brigade was called out to the site virtually every day until it was eventually taken down.

“The clerk, seeing Kevin Spacey as an applicant in person, said: ‘Ah, Mr Spacey. We’ll hear from you first. Tell me. Which establishment are you representing?'”

“Everyone present, including the star, fell about laughing.”

Still, sad though it is, he did at least avoid the strange fate of two of Steely Dan’s former drummers – who both died, Spinal Tap-style, in bizarre accidents.

Jim Hodder drowned in his swimming pool, while Jeff Porcaro died after spraying his garden with insecticide.

Recently, while strolling along in West Hollywood, Janice took time out of her day to berate a group of skaters in their late teens/early 20s. They were just hanging out, minding their own business, doing tricks on their boards, but something about them really seemed to rankle her.

Unprovoked, she was heard shouting “Those skaters are terrible! They can’t skate! I can skate better than them!” before going on to abuse them more specifically about their individual failings.

She then headed into local gay bar Mickeys.

Life imitates arts as an Edinburgh junkie called Mark Renton is done for heroin possession
[See on The Scotsman]

Another really interesting musical Web VR experiment, this time from Google and Song Exploder
[See on WebVR]

Local News Of The Week
[Read on Bristol Post]

Hieronymus Bosch pinãtas
[See on Hyperallergic]

Half-and-half scarves for fans who hate half-an-half scarves
[See on Half And Barf]

Still Bored?
Cute Animal Alert! Linton Zoo in Cambridgeshire have three new Eastern Quolls – and they are your new favourites…
[See on Twitter]