“Not Now, Carlos…”

An Evening With Sarah Millican: Come along and hear Sarah chat with Emma Kennedy about her life and her new book. Thursday 12th October at Logan Hall, University College London WC1. Get 10% off tickets (with a copy of her brand new book, How To Be A Champion) with code POPBITCH

[Book at How To Academy]

“I am a goddamn tornado” – Marilyn Manson

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* Yentob’s smelly menu!

* Austin’s soiled wares!

* Charts: Sam Smith is still No.1

>> Acting up <<

Willis & Hardy: method men

It must be tricky when you’re consistently cast as an ass-kicking action hero not to let it go to your head.
Bruce Willis, for example, has played so many army men in films that he genuinely believes he is good at war and could fight like some sort of super-soldier if he ever needed to.
Tom Hardy believes the same thing about himself too – but he has gone one further. Hardy has been telling people that he has actually been recruited by the SAS on a sort of ad hoc basis. Obviously they don’t need him on day-to-day duties, but he claims that they’ve hired him to be on call if shit ever goes down.

The Olsen twins say “prunes” when they are having their picture taken in order to get the correct pout.

>> Sniffty business <<

Alan’s causing a stink

A few years back, Alan Yentob was courting a director that he wanted to make films for the BBC. The plan was to take him out and sweeten him up over a nice dinner, but Alan turned things weird almost immediately (in perfect Yentob style) by demanding that the waiters bring him a new menu because he didn’t like the way his smelled.

Puerto Rico has the highest concentration of Walmarts in the world.

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

Which well-loved TV star didn’t do much to endear herself to one runner who brought a plate of biscuits to the set floor? The star picked up a handful and threw them at the poor messenger, screaming “I’M OFF GLUTEN!”

Thriva have launched two new tiers to their home blood-testing health trackers, priced £24, £49, £69. Get tested for cholesterol, liver function, HbA1c (diabetes), iron and more. The Popbitch office bit the bullet and tried it, and got a clean bill of health! Have a go yourself and get 50% off first Baseline (£49) or Advanced (£69) with code PBSEPT

[Try on Thriva]

>> Job lot <<

Happy birthday, Gwynnie!

A belated happy birthday to Gwyneth Paltrow. As she seems a little happier to laugh at herself these days, let’s celebrate the occasion with a little story.
Many years ago, a crewmember on the film that Gwynnie was shooting was tasked with calling her to the set. When knocking on her trailer door didn’t get any results, he decided to pop his head round the door in case she was asleep, or listening to music, or something.
She was in there alright, but she wasn’t asleep. She was giving her then-boyfriend Ben Affleck a rather enthusiastic blowjob.
Too stunned to say anything, the silence was eventually broken by Affleck, who said – very simply:
“Not now, Carlos…”

Part of the reason Ben Affleck was keen to flop his dick out in Gone Girl was because there was a rumour going round Hollywood that Matt Damon’s was bigger than his.

>> Swing dancing <<

A little bit of magic

Debbie McGee is claiming that, far from being scandalised, her deceased husband Paul Daniels would have loved to see her kissing another man on Strictly Come Dancing.
And while we defer to her greater knowledge of her husband’s tastes, we know of a few people who worked with the Daniels-McGee double act who’d maybe quibble with one detail. As far as they’d seen, it was exclusively women that Paul used to line up for the pair of them to enjoy.

Tess Daly had two 40th birthday parties. Six years apart.

>> Brief encounters <<

Reality star connects online

Reality TV stars all seem to follow the same boring, well-worn monetisation paths: club appearances, clothing line, branded protein shake. Not Celebrity Big Brother runner-up Austin Armacost though. He’s found himself a different way to exploit his fame.
Austin’s willing to sell you his used underwear. He reassured one happy purchaser that his pants were “3 workouts used” and he could even “send some nicer pairs next time if you want”.
With this sort of attention to customer service, he’ll have a Kardashian-style empire before too long.

Stella McCartney held a lock-in at The Cow last Thursday. A star-studded crowd included Foo Fighters, Kylie Minogue and Reece Witherspoon. Reece had to leave early to do Radio 2 breakfast show.

>> Cock tales <<

Notes on a scandal

Earlier this week we hosted our very first Popbitch gossip salon – dragging a dozen or so sources into the cellar of Planet Of The Grapes and plying them with booze until they got a little indiscreet.
The finer details from the night are a little sketchy as stories were flying faster than we could take notes, and it’ll be a while before we can verify everything in such a way to satisfy our lawyer.
However, one nugget we feel confident we can share is this. We’re not sure who said it, or if we’ve jotted down their quote exactly, but if this is what gets us sued out of existence, so be it:
“Richard Madeley’s son’s dick is huge but his son says his dad’s dick is UNBELIEVABLE”.

Huge thanks to Ron De Jeremy rum for providing the drinks for our inaugural Popbitch Drinking Den event. Nothing loosens the lips quite like Ron Jeremy. If you want to try his range of premium rums for yourself, we can tell you they go perfectly with ginger beer, lime and filthy gossip… #askyourdad (#oryourmum)

[Browse on the Whisky Exchange]

>> Plane stupid <<

Further adventures in online

Who’d have thought that News International’s aborted digital businesses would provide such a rich seam of stories?
Another misguided step that Murdoch made into the world of online was a project called World Wide Learning, a digital course focused on teaching Chinese bankers how to do business to Western standards.
Those standards couldn’t have been too high though, because the whole thing got shuttered after the beancounters noticed more had been spent on company airfares between London and Beijing than they’d ever hope to reclaim in course fees.

Soho House has opened up membership to people who live in cities which don’t have a club. (FYI: in April 2017, Soho House secured £375m debt refinancing from Permira Debt Managers…)

>> Rennergade <<

Internet privates-y

It’s not just female stars who live in fear of their intimate photos being leaked. Boys are now in the crosshairs too – with talk of a ‘Male Fappening’ starting to swell.
Jeremy Renner’s laywers in particular have been very busy this month after a self-shot softcore wank vid which supposedly featured their client was doing the rounds in certain corners of the internet.
Everything seems to have been fully shut down now, but it wasn’t easy. Lawyers not only had to learn a whole new set of codewords and ciphers that refer to Jeremy Renner, sneaky leakers were running these secret codes through Google Translate to add a further level of cloaking.

Doug Liman (the director of Bourne Identity)’s father was the chief counsel in the US Senate’s Iran-Contra investigations.

>> Labouring the point <<

Welcome to the new elite

Corbynite new media company Novara showed the MSM they mean business by throwing a big party in Brighton this week to clash with traditional Labour backers The Mirror’s own bash.
Highlights included: MP Ian Lavery running to the ATM for £100 to buy cans for his retinue, Emily Thornberry throwing shapes on the dancefloor, and Lavery joining Momentum founder Jon Lansman for a “stage invasion” in the Horse Meat Disco DJ set.
Novara’s editor has since been waxing poetic about the event’s success, pontificating about how it demonstrates an obvious shift in the power dynamic between establishment and new mass social base.
Or, as another writer put it a little more succinctly: “Cool Britannia is back on the fucking cards.”

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[Visit thinkingslimmer.com]

>> Hmmms <<

Line-dancing, goats, ARSE

Last chance to book for the Popbitch Quiz! Next Tuesday, Oct 3rd, at Smiths of Smithfield. £5pp

[Book at Popbitch]
Local news of the week

[Read on Eastern Daily Press]
Want to spend 8 days in Paris with Chilly Gonzales?

[Apply at the Gonzervatory]
Dark web drug suspect arrested on the way to beard-growing contest

[Read on InfoSecurity]
Media Masters Podcast: this week with political columnist Iain Martin

[Listen/Download at Media Focus]
Great interview with Marilyn Manson in which he reveals he has Hot Love by T Rex as his ringtone

[Read on the Guardian]
Goat yoga

[See on YouTube]
Move over Mandy Boylett – there’s a new shit Brexit karaoke star in town

[Listen on YouTube]
Fund Australian space exploration with a stylish ARSE T-shirt

[See on Space Australia]

Thanks to: AM, GL, PK, CM, yama, MB, Csidewolf, GM, RL, danceswithmustelids, AD, deep_stoat, J, M, PBVIP, kerching, poshduckhunter

Old Jokes Home:

Did you hear about the man who took an airline company to court for misplacing his luggage?
He lost his case.
Still Bored?

Hammer House of Horror Live: The Soulless Ones. Vampires come to Hoxton Hall in Hammer’s first immersive theatre production. 3/4/5/6/7th Oct, 7.30pm. Popbitch readers can get reduced tickets for £29.50 (down from £48.50) with code SEEITFIRST

[Book at Hoxton Hall]

Fancy Another?