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An Evening with Alastair Campbell. On Brexit, Corbyn, Blair, May and much more. Your chance to come and ask a question… Weds 16th Nov, 6.45pm, London, WC1. Discount with code POPBITCH. Tickets/info: http://bit.ly/2er7Hhc
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“I don’t like to analyse myself because I might not like what I see” – Donald Trump
“If you’re a single-digit millionaire like Hulk Hogan, you have no effective access to our legal system” – Peter Thiel
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|_| |_|03.11.17 ISSUE 807
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* Chimcognito: Cheryl in disguise!
* Benny’s plastic baby
* Charts: Little Mix no 1
>> Hungover achiever <<
A brief history of party time
Microsoft had to announce that Stephen Hawking had pulled out of delivering a keynote speech at their Future Decoded event in London on Tuesday – citing ‘unforeseen circumstances’.
What could these circumstances have been? Well, we don’t want to guess, but seeing as Hawking made it along to the Mirror’s Pride Of Britain awards bash the night before, perhaps he’d done one too many shots with Olly Murs and Alesha Dixon?
Olly Murs, on halloumi: “It’s addictive stuff. It’s too good. They should just stop inventing it.”
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which noted British talent had to remove a full chapter from an early draft of his memoirs (on legal advice) because it was all about how he had lost his virginity – to his sister?
Spotted yesterday on the Heathrow Connect train: John McDonnell, the shadow chancellor. He was reading a book called Rethinking Capitalism.
>> Rugby balls <<
Strictly come jazzing
Former Strictly star Ben Cohen is back in the headlines again after a rather fruity video has emerged online of him treating himself to a little tug.
Currently keeping a low profile in Dubai with his girlfriend (Kristina off of Strictly) the pair of them have had their PRs spew out some heavy-handed warnings to the press that they will be reported to IPSO if anyone dares invade their privacy while they’re there.
Trouble is, Ben and Kristina have a very loose definition of what should and shouldn’t remain private. Just so we’re clear though:
Interview and photo spread explaining what happened to the umbilical cord at their baby’s birth = Hello! feature
Pictures of them sulking together in Dubai = Hello IPSO!
Tony Blair lives next door to Claudia Winkleman.
>> Cuck tales <<
Cumberbitches get twisted
More details have emerged in the ongoing conspiracy being pushed by Benedict Cumberbatch’s super fans (the Cumberbitches) that his wife is pregnant by another man and that poor Benny will have to raise the child as his own.
The photos that the Cumberbitches have been waving around as proof that Sophie Hunter is having an affair are not of her and her secret ‘boyfriend’ but of a BBC Wales employee and his wife (who does, to be fair, look remarkably like Hunter).
After months of harassment and threats of being ‘outed’ to the press as Sophie’s lover, the man in question contacted the tabloids himself to explain that none of this was true.
The hacks reassured him they had no intention of printing such obvious horseshit, but wondered if he’d maybe like to sell his story about what it’s like to be stalked by the internet’s most fearsome erotomaniacs?
How do the Cumberbitches explain Benedict’s first child? Easy. It’s a lifelike plastic doll that he’s forced to carry around. Obviously.
>> Chimcognito <<
Cheryl’s sapphic skullduggery
Just as we thought the rumours about the secret, decade-long lesbian relationship between Cheryl Cole and Kimberley Walsh had all but sputtered out, we suddenly had cause to believe in Chim again.
Kimberley uploaded a picture to Instagram of her Halloween costume – and it’s provided Chim Shippers with some of the most convincing evidence of their love to date.
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POPBITCH POPQUIZ – END OF YEAR QUIZ Smiths Of Smithfield, Weds 30th Nov. Last Popbitch quiz of 2016 – let’s put an early end to this shit-tip of a year with trivia, music, arts, crafts and stupid party games. Tickets are a fiver. Come along! http://bit.ly/2fHbNU9
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>> Northern uproar <<
Alan Bennett’s diaries
Alan Bennett’s latest memoir, Keep On Keeping On, contains a rather charming diary entry detailing a slice of dialogue between Alan and his long-term partner, Rupert.
31st August
R., having spent most of the evening (and yesterday’s) watching Wuthering Heights, turns to me at the finish
and says: ‘You’re rather like Heathcliff.’
Me (gratified): Really?
R: Yeah. Difficult, Northern and a cunt.
Nominative Determinism Of The Week: The Director of Governance at the ForViva Group is… David McGovern!
>> Wonderwall <<
Will Guardian go pay-to-play?
Hushed discussions are taking place around the Guardian about whether the execs are finally planning on putting a paywall up around the site.
Usually implementing such a thing would lead to a dramatic drop-off in traffic, but the Guardian needn’t worry too much about that.
If what editors have been overheard saying is correct (that as many as 85% of the stories that the Guardian publishes on its site get practically no views at all) they’re already well ahead of the curve…
Owen Jones’ taste in knitwear is getting him a new nickname among media wags: “The Anne Diamond of anti-capitalism.”
>> Formula fun <<
Swear like a millionaire
Formula 1’s authorities have updated the F1 code for what fines drivers will now get for swearing. Dropping the big ones (cunt, fuck, wanker) lands a $10K fine, but there are a couple of other tiers for milder offences.
Call someone arsehole, bastard or shithead and you’ll only get a bill for $5K.
For the potty mouth on a budget there’s a $2,500 tier. For the price of one wanker you can get a tit, a dickhead, a knobhead and a prick.
Will this system work? Seeing as Sebastian Vettel picks up around $2.3 million a race, he could call Charlie Whiting a tit 1,800 times in the final two GPs and still turn a profit.
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US Election Party, Tues 8th Nov, at Dinerama in Shoreditch: 8pm-5am. See the end of the world in style. Food, booze, multi-channel coverage, games, a quiz and more. Advance tickets only. Get yours here: http://bit.ly/2e9xMRZ
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>> Sky’s the limit <<
Jude the (very) obscure
No matter what they do, poor Sky Atlantic just can’t seem to get people to watch their own dramas. Despite stellar reviews, big budget ad campaign and Jude Law’s naked bumcheeks, The Young Pope launched with only
140k viewers.
No such trouble in Italy, where it premiered to almost a million, but the Sky brand in Britain can’t seem to break out beyond being seen as a platform for watching sport and US imports.
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Congratulations to JL who won last week’s Halloween competition. The answer to “What do ghosts eat for dessert?” is, of course, “I scream”
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>> Hmmms <<
Cubs, Peanuts, transition
Think you know London? What about a pre-Christmas quiz outing on a Routemaster bus?
http://ThisBus.com/CapitalQuiz
Chicago Cubs win their first World Series for 108 years. This David Axelrod piece is rather brilliant:
http://bit.ly/2eYBpuL
Film-makers! Anyone interested in a project about how and why a globetrotting DJ happily transitioned to become a woman?
http://www.thewhygene.com
Media Masters Podcast – biz journo William Taylor left his job to start Fast Company magazine… then sold it for $340m. Hear him explain how he did it:
http://bit.ly/2fhFYie
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Thanks to: DM, deep_stoat, ABP, DH, JM, Smillsy, NB, SG, monstris, JS, mount_st_nobody, AM, PD, SA, D2011
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Old Jokes Home:
Q/ What’s the best cheese to hide a horse with?
A/ Mascarpone
Still Bored?
Vinnie Jones is now offering “high-quality carpets to clients ranging from Bradley Cooper, Dennis Wise, Dave Bassett, and Robbie Williams to Jose Mourhino (sic), Ian Wright, Ronnie Wood and Jonathan Ross”
https://www.deaconjones.co.uk
